The Down Side of Christmas

I am very aware that Christmas brings with it a high rate of suicides. Please, if you are down over the holidays, don't choose this option. No matter what you are feeling right now, you are an important part of the universe and very much needed here.

I especially want to tell those who are low because of gender issues that you are very loved, no matter what you have heard or what treatment you have received from bigots or from those in your family who cannot see you for the beautiful person you really are. You deserve to live and to have the chance to find love and acceptance. Please don't take away that right from yourself.

If you are in Manchester you can start your search for help at the LGF in Manchester.

If you are LGBT and in need of help and are in London try here: 020 7837 7324 (daily 10am -11pm)

If you are in Wales the LGBT Cymru Helpline is 0800 840 28069

Or try here at the Gay and Lesbian Humanist Association.


I have Seasonally Affected Disorder, OCD Hoarding, Depression and Anxiety issues. I know how horrendously down this time of year can get people because I've been there myself. The black dog loves to come nipping at my heals at this time of the year, and I did ring the Samaritans on Boxing Day once.

In the UK dial 08457 90 90 90. In the Republic of Ireland dial 1850 60 90 90.

Or visit the Samaritans website for more info


If you are not in Britain, the Befrienders website tells of help available worldwide.


Stay safe and cling to hope. If you're alive something can always be done. Blessed Be.

How Do I Know I am Bisexual (or Humanosexual, Omnisexual, Pansexual or anything the hell else you want to call it) ?

This entry was sparked by a conversation I had with a fellow Romance Author. I commented how I realised I was Bisexual and not gay, and it made me think to share it with you, my reader(s), here.

My first (consensual) sex was with another woman. I was utterly in love with her (still am). I had never, previously to this, found a guy who I liked or loved enough to want to be sexual with him. I wondered, then, if I was a lesbian? I decided to wait a while before trying to answer that for myself.

A little time passed and I realised that actually, whilst I adored my woman and was completely happy to be monogamous with her, I also had interest in and fantasies about various men (mostly actors). I concluded I must, therefore, be bisexual rather than 'simply' gay. More time passed and I fell in love with a man, then another... then other people... One day I wake up and realise I have five 'significant others' of various sexual orientations and gender identities. That's when I learnt about polyamoury, from the inside.

I can and often do feel romantic towards/Love/fuck more than one person at a time, with the same intensity and 'gaga' blissfulness that other people love their one 'true' love. I count myself very lucky.

My Top Ten of Male Totty

The following, in no particular order, are the most beautiful men I know of:

Gareth David Lloyd (Lead singer of Blue Gillespie, also played Ianto Jones in Torchwood)

The blond model off the cover of Evangeline Anderson's book 'Slave Boy' (If anyone knows this man's name please leave me a message / comment).

Hugh Jackman (Wolverine in the X-Men movies)

John Barrowman (Singer, also plays Captain Jack Harkness in Torchwood)

James Marsters (Spike in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Captain John Hart in Torchwood)

Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker, the original Star Wars Trilogy)

John Constantine, Hellblazer (Graphic Novels / Comics character from DC Comics)

Crying Freeman (From the Crying Freeman Graphic Novels and comics)

Dhillon Khosla (Author)

Brandon Lee (The Crow in the movie of the same title, son of Bruce Lee, Martial Artist)


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My Top Ten of Female Totty

I love all of these beautiful women, so in no particular order:


Diana Rigg (Emma Peel from The Avengers)

Louise Jameson (Leela from Doctor Who)

Alex Kingston (Riversong from Doctor Who, Moll Flanders)

Elizabeth Sladen (Sarah Jayne from the Sarah Jayne Chronicles and Doctor Who)

Jodie Prenger (Singer)

Kirsten Vangsness (Penelope Garcia from Criminal Minds)

Pauley Perrette (Abby from NCIS)

Jeri Ryan (Seven of Nine from Voyager)

Angelina Jolie (Lara Croft et al)

Jessie Blackwood (Authoress)
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Gender Binary, US Health Care and Intersexed Babies

The segment which follows Leslie's fifth chapter in Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink and Blue is 'Portrait' by Cheryl Chase. The article criticises policies in the USA which on the one hand criticise African cultures for ignoring, promoting and approving of genital mutilation of girls whilst not addressing the genital mutilation of USA citizens carried out in response to the cultural desire of parents (and others) who want to know 'Is it a girl, or a boy?'

Cheryl tells us that:

Since the late 1950s in the United States, it has been standard to treat the birth of a child with unusual genitals as a 'social emergency', and to remedy the discomfort of parents and doictors by genital surgery on the infant. Motivated in part by a fear that the children might grow up homosexual, doctors performed cosmetic genital surgery on about 1 in 2,000 children. The vast majority medically unnecessary, these surgeries remove clitoral tissue, excavate vaginal cavities, or move or extend urethras. Outcomes are poor in functional, cosmetic, and emotional terms. Surgeries are often repeated, sometimes over a dozen times."

Cheryl Chase also claims that "surgeons assign nine out of ten intersex infants they see as girls" and, citing Suzanne Kessler, also asserts that "genital ambiguity is 'corrected' because it threatens not the infant's life but the culture the infant is born into".


I was aware this sort of thing went on, but even Chase's article doesn't give us real figures for how often it occurs. I suspect there are no figures recorded. Until we, the adults, stop asking "Is it a boy or a girl?" the mutilations will continue and the world will be the poorer for it. Diversity is the catchphrase my own government uses when talking about Equality. I want my government to mean what it says and to accept that the 'gender binary' is a lie, a myth, an unreality, and recognise that gender comes in diverse forms too.
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'Gender Binary' and Single Sex Wards in Hospitals

I am, ostensibly at least, female. I have female genitalia and mostly (65% or so) female attitudes and sensibilities. As such, I was all in favour when my government announced that it's initiative to have all hospital wards segregated into single gender wards in the near future.

For me, being in hospital is scary enough, without fearing assault from my fellow patients, sexual or otherwise. Recently I was close to being admitted and the receiving ward was mixed gender. I was very anxious that I might have to spend even a small amount of time in this mixed ward.

Today I read 'I Can't Afford to Get Sick', from Leslie Feinberg's book, Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink and Blue. Yes, this is a rant about the costs of health care in the USA, but it also protests the treatment received by Transpersons when they enter the US health care system.

Feinberg reveals:

"When my fever first spiked, I did not have a doctor to call. As a transgender adult, I had only sought treatment in life-and-death situations. Moments when I was weakened and scared because of illness were times I least relished a stranger examining my body; I felt vulnerable to potential hostility."

As an obese person I can relate to this. I too find physical examinations, especially gynaecological ones, incredibly intimidating, and I am always trepidatious that I will be ridiculed or spoken down to by the staff attending me. Sometimes this has been the case, my fears are the children of experience.

Feinberg asserts that:

"...prejudice and hatred nearly killed me because I didn't fit into the rigid female or male ward system."

Sie adds that even well-meaning medical staff sometimes get it wrong because they are ignorant of the past experiences which may have caused their trans patients to protect their gender identity when being admitted. Sie also tells us that birth gender is still used to determine which ward trans patients are placed on, however inappropriate that is. Frankly, it sucks. That there is no nice clear way to resolve the issue is sad; I cannot accept Feinberg's suggestion of assigning people to wards based on what ails them as being a better alternative, unfortunately, because I would still be afraid of having to sleep in a mixed ward. Hell, I'm afraid of sleeping with strangers, whatever gender they are because, contrary to popular belief, it's not just men who sexually or physically assault women, and it's not just women who are subjected to such assaults either.

If you think you know a solution, please share!
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The Wisdom of Others - Community

The following editorial, by Tris Reid-Smith, appeared in the November 10th edition of Gay Times:

"Does the gay community really exist? Obviously it does - just like we are all part of a community where we live, whether we bother to speak to our neighbours or not. We have shared interests and shared needs and what effects one of us often effects all of us.

"The better question to ask is whether out gay (or LGBT if you prefer) community lives up to its potential or our expectations? Often it does - just look at the leading role queer activists played in protesting the Pope's visit to Britain and making it clear that his homophobia was not welcomne. But that doesn't mean gay people are incapable of being selfish, apathetic and dishonest,

"Saying that such behaviour proves there is no gay community or gives you an excuse to opt out of it is selfish too. I don't say that lightly as it is often decent people who have made an effort to give something back that are the most disillusioned. But when you're knocked down you have to get up and carry on - that's not rewarding those people who have treated you unfairly, it's proving them wrong."

To quote Chumbawumba's 'Tub Thimping':

"I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down!"

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The Wisdom of Others - History, Identity, Words (rant warning!)

Gary Bowen, (writing in Feinberg, 1998:63-66) offers the following observations on where we should draw from in our struggle to identify ourselves:

"...Spirit gives to each of us Visions of who we are which we must manifest in the material world to the best of our ability. (p64)

"It is extremely important to remember that 'transexual' and 'transgendered' are terms that have arisen out of the dominant [white and westernised] culture's experience with gender, and are not necessarily reflective of a wide variety of people, cultures, beliefs and practices relating to gender. (p63-4)

Bowen tells us that the term 'twin-spirit' has negative connotations in some Native settings, having a similar meaning to 'mulato', or translating as 'ghost-haunted'. The correct Native term for a F2M is apparently 'kurami', whilst the term for a M2F is 'winkte'.

"Spirit is not divided in itself, but is an integrated whole... there are seven cardinal directions: east, west, north, south, up, down and center, as the Native viewpoint embraces dimensions not normally noticed by the dominant [white and westernised] culture. (p65)

I am grateful to Bowen for these insights into the words we use for ourselves and those which are applied to us by others. I am less impressed, however, by the undertone his writing has of counter-bigotry. His choice of 'get your hands off my culture' language, whilst understandable, is unhelpful, I feel. So too is his assumption that his own Native culture holds exclusive rights to certain spiritual insights, such as the above described view of the cosmos.

Bowen says:

"There are many 'magpies' who are drawn to latch onto the bright, shiny aspects of Native culture, who misappropriate Native culture, customs and artifacts in the belief that they are 'honouring' Native people by imitating them without understanding them. It is better for non-Native people to follow our example by looking to their own ancestors and reclaiming their own transgendered spirituality... white people need to reclaim their own sacred people instead of appropriating ours." (p66)

I feel that Bowen is belittling pink-skin culture and the historical experiences of us pink-skins here. It is a fact that the majority of 'white, westernised' peoples abandoned their heritage long before they endeavoured to impose their mish-mashed culture(s) on others. Tracing our ancestors is a very difficult task for most of us pink-skins. Understanding them is even harder. I believe, because Spirit tells me so, that I am Celtic in origin, yet science tells me I am Viking by blood. Parts of my spiritual community attempt 'Reclaiming' - but so fragmented and distorted are our pink-skin histories that it is unclear whether what they come up with is anything like that which they seek. Too, I partially subscribe to the 'Seven Daughters of Eve / seven tribes' theory or evolution, and know full well that the colour of my skin has more to do with the climate of where my, originally nomadic, ancestors settled than who I am and how I identify myself. Where am I to look for my ancestors, my language and my sacred Trans people?

I reserve the right, then, to collect those bright and shining terms and ideas which call to me in Spirit, which come to me in my own Visions, and to consider them to be my very own because of the Truth they speak about Me and who I am.
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The Wisdom of Others - I'm Okay, You're Okay

"The way in which individuals express themselves is a very important part of who they are. It is not possible to force all people to live outside of femininity and masculinity. Only androgynous people live comfortably in that gender space. there's no social compulsion powerful enough to force anyone else to dwell there...

"Why would we want to ask anyone to give up their own hard-fought-for place on the gender spectrum? There are no rights or wrongs in the ways people express their own gender style. no-one's lipstick or flattop is hurting us. No-one's gender expression is any more 'liberated' than anyone else's" - Feinberg (1998:53).

It strikes me that submissives are often subjected to bigotry by the various (fractured) liberation movements. Female submissives are certainly berated for playing into the hands of 'male-dominated' society, or of betraying the 'women's liberation' movement, when they express their self-defined gender and sexuality. I have not myself witnessed it, but I suspect gay male submissives, for example 'cubs', are equally oppressed by those not in the same headspace as them.

As a Dominant and Mistress I feel that I must (and I will) defend the rights of submissives and bottoms to express their gender and sexual identities at least as vigorously as I defend my own.


Bibliography

Feinberg,L.(Ed.), 1998), Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink and Blue, Boston (USA): Beacon Press
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The Wisdom of Others - Loving and Supportive Relationships

Regular readers will know that recently I have bveen reading 'Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue', edited by Leslie Feinberg. Much of what Feinberg and his fellow writers in this volume have written speaks to me, so I am sharing here via a number of entries.

Cynthia Phillips has this to tell to us:

"She was so matter-of-fact telling me that I was not shocked or upset about it; I just accepted it as a part of someone I was in love with. I felt that Linda was such a fine person that anything she did could not be a bad thing. I always have looked inside a person and have not been concerned about appearance. So when I looked into Linda's (Jim's) soul I saw someone who had the qualities I desired in a person I planned on spending my life with." (p41)

Feinberg adds:

"Our significant others are not observers of 'our' oppression. They are not 'related' to our movement. All our significant others are partners in the life-changing experience of trans-consciousness and struggle." (p46)

For my own part, whilst I have not been blind to appearances, how someone looks is no longer the primary factor in deciding who I chose to sleep with and care about. It has never been a factor in who I 'choose' to love -- when I love I do so instinctively, without rationalising or being able to consciously select the objects of my affection.

I am eternally grateful for the support I have received from all of my allies -- my partners and friends, lovers and loved ones. Your willingness to let me be and to help me be the person I am is the greatest of treasures.
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The Wisdom of Others - The Need for Unity

I have been reading 'Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue', edited by Leslie Feinberg. This slim but very significant volume of Trans wisdom has been having a considerable effect on my thinking. I want to share some of what I have learned here.

The book's main message is that unity is the way forward in the fight for our rights as human beings. All non-mainstream societies need to work together to shift the balance of power away from a monopoly serving the majority to a society where people who are differenced and diversified are truly recognised, honoured, and imparted the same rights as the majority. The book whole-heartedly condemns the 'in-fighting' and condemnation of differenced people sometimes seen in LGBT society. I find myself agreeing with most of what is presented in this book.

Feinberg observes:

"All of us in this society are wounded. But we don't always know where each other's injuries are located. That means we may thoughtlessly hurt each other. Everyone who has been treated injustly or been disrespected in this society is full of justified anger. I believe we need to take care not to unleash that rage on each other" (p55)

"...None of us can ever be free while others are still in chains. That's the truth underlying the need for solidarity. Trans liberation is inextricably linked to other movements for equality and justice."(p48)

"..Non-one who has pitched in to build and defend women's and lesbian, gay, bi liberation is a 'traitor' because of who they love , or because they have transitioned..."

I'm not currently actively involved in my local LGBT community. I have never publicly identified as a Lesbian, though in my head I did in the past, for a brief period before working out it wasn't where I was at, so I won't be condemned for 'switching allegiances', at least not by that branch of our community. I;ve not contributed much either, though, so can I legitimately claim the rights others have unknowingly fought for on my behalf?

Feinberg quotes a Chinese proverb:

"The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it" (p61)

I am increasingly drawn to becoming 'a person who does'. How I shall achieve this remains to be seen, but one way, I think, may be to become involved in developing an LGBT branch within the Equality and Diversity policy of my workplace. I have fears about doing so - whilst students may be given their liberties as a result of such action, staff may remain suppressed and vulnerable to attack. I do not know if I am prepared to take risks in this regard.

Recently though I have 'trail blazed' for another sector of my workplace community, those suffering work-related mental health issues. I didn't ask to be a trail blazer. All I wanted was to be allowed to work in peace and to the best of my ability. At times I have resented my role as guinea pig and ground breaker. I am told much has been achieved in this real because of me. If I can, then, do so much when not trying, how much more could I achieve on a battlefield of my own choosing? Yet too, I am cautioned by experience of the need to 'choose your battles carefully'. Thus, what I will eventually undertake to do for my community remains to be seen. What occurs shall be reported here, in time.
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Labels, labels everywhere...

I just learnt that some people born with female genitalia refer to themselves as 'Male to Male', "in recognition of the fact that they had not ever felt female in their lives" (Feinberg, 1998:43). I don't know why this came as a surprise to me, it makes sense in context.

Other words you might see used when looking into the concept of gender identity include: tomboy, butch, femme, female cross-dresser, male cross-dresser, transexual, transgender, male-to-male, female-to-male, male-to-female, transman, transwoman, drag queen, drag king, F2M, M2F, third sex, twin spirited, intersexual...

Words are very powerful--they can include or they can exclude, they can praise or they can condemn, they can comfort or crush. The words we choose to apply to ourselves and to others are the most important of all. Think of the language of 'personal ads'--each term paints a picture of who we are and what we want and expect of our lives and of those we opt to share them with.

My own self-definition has proven quite fluid. I have gone from 'wiccan' to 'pagan' to 'witch'. I have gone from 'bisexual' to 'pansexual' to 'humano-sexual/humano-romantic'. My gender identity is unresolved. I am content to live in a female body, but I know that is not the entire sum of my being. I fairly often express my 'inner gay male' as well as my 'inner bisexual female' and my 'inner gender-neutral pansexual'. I would presently consider myself to be 'pangendered'. I am not wrongly identified as female, I am just not completely accurately described by that term alone.

There are days when I very definitely see men with 'gay man's eyes' rather than with 'bisexual female's eyes'. It is fascinating to me to observe that my inner gay male appreciates a completely different set of men to those my female bisexual self. (He likes and craves muscle men; she finds muscular men vulgar and unappealing. He likes moderately hairy men; she likes men without body hair. He likes men who sport 'buzz cuts'; she likes long haired men). This 'split vision' has occurred with increasing frequency since I began writing M/M Romances. It's also interesting to me to note that my inner male is gay rather than bisexual or pansexual; when I lust after a woman it is my female aspect that is involved, never my male aspect.

Do our labels serve any real purpose? Only if you subscribe to the idea that a lover or a soulmate can be located by giving a proscriptive list of ideal qualities for the person you think you 'WLTM' and discarding all other applicants. Personally I am open to all sorts of relationships, I don't want to exclude someone from my radar who might just prove that addage of 'opposites attract', for example. 'Close fits' are definitely welcome to apply.

Contemplating the Wisdom of Others #2 - Am I a Tranny?

Okay, not PC... I'm an ignorant tart who isn't sure what PC term might best be applied to myself. Sorry about that.

It's a serious question, though, prompted by reading Leslie Feinberg's book, Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink and Blue.

Does the fact that I, on occasion, deliberately sport 'masculine' attire make me Trans? I wear the clothes...

1. to amuse myself and because I like how I look in them
2. to turn someone else on
3. to try and identify myself to and with others in the GBLT community
4. as a form of Cosplay, connecting with a fictional bisexual character I admire (Ianto Jones from Torchwood).

I used to have two cross-dressing partners. One was heterosexual, and may or may not have been 'bi-gendered', as Feinberg terms it. The other was Bi-sexual and gender ambivalent (he wanted to partially transition, to become a shemale). So I have been the partner of TransPersons too.

Labels, everything seems to be labels! I'm with Captain Jack Harkness (or Harkness-Jones, as he is in my own fanfiction Alternate Universe), we're too hung up on labels. But as humans we inevitably(?)use labels to socialise ourselves, and to separate ourselves from others socially too. We make judgements on which people we identify with and which people we, linguistically at least, vilify.

Leslie Feinberg comments on all of this in Trans Liberation, and I want to share some of the thoughts and ideas Leslie presents here (The following constitutes excerpts from a speech given by Leslie to the Ninth Annual Texas 'T' Party, which I understand is a convention for heterosexual cross-dressers and their partners):

"Misconceptions have been a barrier between our communities. In order to have any real dialogue, it means we must all listen carefully to each other... Many of us have been taught to identify ourselves by what we are not. But it's not a satisfying definition and almost always hurts the people we are defining away from. I believe we should strive for positive self-definition and also defend each other's self-identification as we do our own." (p22)

"We, as cross-dressers--gay, bisexual, lesbian and straight--and our partners, have a stake in challenging restrictive attitudes towards human behaviour and self-expression. And I believe that combating every form of prejudice against lesbian, gay and bisexual love has an importance for us here, as well." (p25)

"...cross-dressing has always been socially synonymous with gayness. I think this misconception is based on the fact that uni-gender lesbian and gay cross-dressers were socially visible and organized at a times when most bi-gender, heterosexual cross-dressers were isolated or members of 'underground' organizations." (p26)

"I understand the rage you must feel when someone claims that your identity is an expression of shame--that you are gay and won't admit it. And I have thought a lot lately about what it must feel like to have one person in the world who loves you. Who you yearn for sexually. And who you fear will spurn you and leave you if they mistakenly think that your sexuality has changed--that you must be gay." (p26)

I find this passage especially interesting. Feinberg is speaking to heterosexual cross-dressers, but the same understanding should likewise be extended to those of us who identify as bisexual, I feel. It is quite common for gays and lesbians to hold the same misconception about us, too.

"...you are revealing twin aspects of your gender expression...your sexuality has not changed." (P27)

Perhaps we bisexuals are revealing twin aspects of our sexual expression...our gender has not changed?

"We have all been wounded in the ways we negotiate sex and intimacy; we fear communicating our needs and desires. Greater freedom to conceive the limitless potential of human sexuality, without shame, is an important and necessary contribution to all of humanity." (p28)

Well yeah, I'd agree with that, except that 'gender' and 'sexuality' seem to have become interchangeable terms in this last passage, which they are NOT. My body is Female, my gender is under consideration, my sexual orientation is humano-sexual (pansexual), my emotional identity is humano-romantic ...and sometimes I cross-dress / cosplay...

Am I Trans? I am HUMAN. That's my biggest subset and I'm sticking with it. Though I don't mean to put barriers between myself and non-humans or hurt their feelings by defining myself away from them, okay? LOL.


Bibliography
Leslie Feinberg, (1998), Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink and Blue, Boston: Beacon Press.
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Blue Gillespie performing at Sex, Wales and Anarchy

EXPLICIT LYRICS

This is Blue Gillespie, fronted by Gareth David-Lloyd (the talented actor, singer and songwriter who played Ianto Jones in Torchwood). This is my favourite BG song, and I have the joyful memory of Gareth singing it at the gig at Manchester's Ruby Lounge (affectionately referred to as 'the tit gig'), where the delightful man was wearing less...



This performance was at Sex Wales and Anarchy (1), apparently, which is an annual event Gareth devised to promote unsigned talent in Wales. The song is called Bam Bam.

Buy Blue Gillespie stuff off Amazon UK and see them on You Tube, My Space, Twitter and Facebook and on their own website.

Review - Both Sides Now, by Dhillon Khosla

Both Sides Now: One Man's Journey Through Womanhood by Dhillon Khosla




This is a terrifically interesting autobiography. Dhillon, the author, documents his transition from the wrong body (female) to the right one (male), but there is far more here than this journey. Dhillon gives us much anecdotal information in the form of flashbacks about his life before transitioning, revealing the 'clues' there had been in his early life and the reactions he had to the things in his life which were incongruous with his real gender identity. It's also a story of immense interest and depth of the life of a man.

I'd love for this to be compulsory reading in schools, except my own experience tells me that 'compulsory' reads lead you to loathe the texts concerned (I still cannot bear Lord of the Flies, for example, and where I would have loved Animal Farm if I had found it for myself the joy of it was lost on me when I was required to analyse it cover to cover).

Anyone who has questions about their own gender or who is contemplating transitioning would find this book a fascinating revelation and likely learn immensely from it. Too, though, women who have always wondered what it is like being a man would find this book equally revealing. Dhillon writes beautifully and I am very grateful for his sharing his experiences with his readers. Please do read it!



View all my reviews

Interesting Observations on Bisexual Visibility

This was posted anonymously at Bialogue, citing Feministing.com. I want to share it.

Holding My Boyfriend's Hand: On Becoming Invisible Again

After over a decade of dating mostly butch/masculine women, I am dating a man again. I am a queer high femme, and I "pass" easily through straight society. I am never gay-bashed, just street harassed.

Dating a man again does not fuck with my sense of self, nor does it somehow alienate me from my queer family. I've always identified as a femme attracted to male energy, and that energy inhabits a wide spectrum of bodies and presentations. I am queer. My queer chosen family and friends understand that who I date does not negate my queerness, and they care more for my happiness then the gender of who I date. My male lover is queer and knows how my attractions work. He likes the boys as well as the girls, and frankly, we enjoy these parts of each other.

Coming out, I felt the pain of rejection from LGBTQ folks. I remember going to lesbian bars in multiple cities and having my intentions questioned. Walking down a long, dark alley to one bar, one of the hottest butches I have ever seen leered and asked, "you here to watch, straight girl?" I escaped to the mecca of San Francisco only to have bouncers demand "you know this is dyke night, right?" If this happened today, I would saucily sashay my way past the bouncers, toss a line to the butch, and walk right in, but I wasn't there a decade ago.

I mistakenly thought that even if it wouldn't be easy, it at least wouldn't be that big a deal to date a man again - but the invisibility is back. As my boyfriend and I walk up to see a movie, I give the butch-femme couple in front of us the smile of shared community. They glare at me with "we-don't-need-your-patronizing-smile-of-acceptance-straight-girl" faces, and a part of me goes cold. I know that smile - I would give it to people as I walked next to my butch, waiting for a gawk at her presentation from the straights around us so that I could glare back. I loved the feeling of community when I smiled at other obviously queer couples.

I went home this weekend with my new boyfriend. My mother's joy hurt. My ex had nursed my mother through multiple painful events, mowed the lawn when she couldn't, gotten drunk with her, but all of this was wiped away by bringing a man home. And she should love him too - he is amazing and wonderful and smart. But she should love him for him, not for his gender.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to go back to wearing rainbow buttons, and frankly they don't work with my knee-high boots or strappy sandals. I've made it clear to my mother that I have not changed and that women lovers will always be a part of my life. But some part of me is still waiting to get into the dyke bar. I hate being invisible again, and I hate being in a world that defines my sexuality by the person whose hand I am holding. Even all of my sauciness can't lead me to easy answers or fast retorts, and I'm struggling to find how to be here and queer even while holding my boyfriend's hand.

Contemplating the Wisdom of Others #1

I've been reading up... I want to understand myself better, and think that reading what others have written about their experiences of being Bisexual and Polyamorous will help me with that process. I believe in the Internet and the World Wide Web's ability to improve communication and enhance our understanding of things, so I incline to share what my research reveals to me.

Something that comes across strongly in what I have read so far is the Bisexuals experience some difficulties from the Gay and Lesbian communities as well as the Heterosexuals. It's not something I have experienced myaelf, since I have never been a part of the Lesbian community and therefore cannot be perceived of as 'switching sides' or 'betraying' my 'true' identity.

Let's be straight, I AM PANSEXUAL, or bisexual, if you prefer that more familiar term. I'm not on my way to becoming a Lesbian. This isn't a journey, it's a destination reached.

I used to think, when I first romantic love and sexual attraction for another woman, that I perhaps was a Lesbian. It bothered me, though, because I didn't 'feel' like a Lesbian--however that was meant to feel? I liked men. My woman liked men too. We liked each other even more. That didn't gel with what I imagined Lesbians would feel. That's because I never was a Lesbian; neither was my woman, but it took time to realise what we each were.

This has been said of the Bisexual experience:

"Because our society is so polarized between homosexuals and heterosexuals, the bisexual closet has two doors...

The sexologist Kinsey has created a 0-6 scale in which people are rated as to their homo/heterosexuality. I think of myself as off the scale. To me, the Kinsey scale has as much relevance as if everyone were evaluated on a spectrum of whether they were more attracted to people with brown eyes or green/blue eyes. Gender is just not what I care about or really notice in a sexual partner (pp4-5).

"I can barely imagine what it's like to be a lesbian or a straight woman, to be attracted to women because they are female--and that is sexy--or to men because they are male."

Jane Litwoman

The assertion, (reportedly especially popular amongst homosexuals), that bisexuality , and by implication bisexuals, do not exist is patently faulty--I am stood here before you and I am neither heterosexual nor homosexual. Or am I both?

I actually define myself as humano-sexual or pansexual, but your word for me would probably be bisexual. I am an impossible thing according to some of you. I am a mythological being--a unicorn, a dragon, an angel.

In truth, sexuality isn't the standard I apply to myself. I LIKE sex. I fucking love to fuck! I am an eleven on a scale of one to ten when it comes to my desire for sexual activity. If I want sex I am not thinking about gender. I can foind sexual pleasure and fulfilment with a man, a woman or a piece of plastic (and most other materials).

I am humano-connective, or humano-romantic. I LOVE humans, the persons inside the bodies everyone else seems to be obsessed with. I am pan-romantic. I am beyond labelling.

"Sexuality is also based on clan and tribal customs, and sometimes that tribal opinion has changed as a result of generations of governmentally approved and financed missionary activity. (p37)

"I acknowledge my openness to express affection with someone I love. I will not prevent an honest friendship to manifest itself sexually, no matter what sex the person is. (p38)

Joe Rios

I am finding that several of the authors were near to my own present age at the point when they came out. Is there something to this, or do people my age simply understand and express themselves more easily than other age groups? It would be interesting to discover if hetero- and homosexuals blossom around the same age. Is it a 'Croning' thing, perhaps?

"...I am coming to expand my consciousness far beyond genital sex and straight romantic love and to feel the ways in which eroticism energises and empowers my life. I am now validating my bonding with women more, and as I love women more, I love men in a new and better way. I can love them as human beings rather than as superior beings from whom I am to derive my existence. (pp40-41)

"Although life would be easier if all women lived in a lesbian utopia and all men were villains, as a bisexual I perceive people as individuals rather than as ,e,bers of a group. I will not reject a good man just because he is a man, and I will not tolerate mistreatment from a woman just because she is a woman." (p42)

Laura Johnson

Bibliography

Hutchins, L. (Ed) and Kaahumanu, L. (Ed.), (1995), Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out, Alyson Publications Inc.
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Hyphenation

Apparently I;ve been adding a hyphen where there shouldn't be one... The word, it seems, is 'Bisexual', not 'Bi-sexual'. The reason given for this is as follows:

Bisexuality is not Bi-sexuality

Bisexuality is not a combination of heterosexuality and homosexuality. We're not half formed or half committed. We're whole.

We are not bi-sexual, we're bisexual! The word is in the dictionary - it's not two words put together. Pretending the word "bisexual" doesn't exist is a tiny, trivial way of denying our legitimacy, but it still is one. After all, if what we have is two sexualities then maybe we should pick one and stick with it?

But in reality there's no indecision, no uncertainty, no halves. And what's more, bisexuality isn't a bridge between Gay and Straight. So, perhaps there's no need for hyphens. Incidentally, even people who write "bi-sexuals" don't use "bi-sexuality". Time for some consistency, perhaps?

Have you ever met a bisexual who prefers to be a bi-sexual? No, us neither - and we've met plenty who hate it. That hyphen makes the stress longer, the pause audible. It's a chance to dwell on the syllable "sex" straight after. But it's not all about sex, and we don't have two competing natures.

From: The Bisexual Index

So, that's me told, apparently.

Mythbusting

I am eternally grateful for those humans who seek to correct misconceptions and mythbust the nonsense people pick up and take to be 'wisdom'. One such is this website:

The Bisexual Index

These wonderful folks give us the following insights:

Bisexuals...
...aren't confused
...aren't greedy
...needn't be 50:50
...aren't gender binary
...are Queer
...need a community
...can be faithful
...can have 1 partner
...don't always alternate
...don't have it easier
...might not be 'fluid'
...aren't a phase
...might be 'barsexuals'
...aren't spreading HIV
...might be your partners
...aren't everyone
...are real

Invisible Men (and Women)

This is an extract from a BBC site: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A543872

I present it here for consideration by my readers.

The huge majority of straight people retain a great deal of ignorance about bisexuality, often viewing it as homosexuality minus the personal integrity of complete honesty. They cling to stereotypes that bisexual people are untrustworthy, dishonest, promiscuous, insatiable, and generally up to no good. A few straight people immediately cast any bisexual persons they know into the traditional role of villain. They may change their mind if they get to know the person better, or they may not...

If the straight community is rife with ignorance and reliance on stereotypes, the gay community's reaction can be much more variable. Some gay people understand bisexuality very well and treat bi people and their differences with respect. Others fall back on the same old stereotypes. There are also a few gay people who think of bisexual folks in the gay community as spies or traitors whose real allegiance is to the straight mainstream culture.

It seems that a few gay people are engaged in a game of transference, where they take the stereotypes for homosexuality and mentally move the most onorous to bisexuals. Bisexual people have even been accused of being responsible for AIDS, for instance, as if it were a given that bisexual people are promiscuous and dishonest about their HIV status while gay people are the opposite. Some gays also assume that bisexual people have no interest in gay rights, and may argue that bi people should be relegated to the sideline of the gay rights movement so their differences do not cloud the 'real' issues...

In a sense, bisexuality is a relatively invisible orientation. A person who assumes everyone is straight or gay can get away with it much of the time. But this is changing. While bi people have always been active in the fight for gay rights, the past two decades have marked a change. Most gay rights groups now acknowledge the existence of bi members in their group, sometimes by adding the word bisexual or the letter B to their name.

Bisexual people are also coming out in increasing numbers. As with homosexuality, they are finding that straight and gay people who have multiple bisexual friends and acquaintances are more accepting and less prejudiced. There is, after all, strength in numbers.

Finally, there is a growing awareness that bisexual people have a unique perspective on gender roles, gay rights, and other issues pertaining to sexual orientation. While the mass media may not have caught on in most areas, more and more individuals are recognising that bi people are neither gay, nor straight, nor something in between. They are themselves, and they are worthwhile in their own right.

To view complete article on original website:
H2G2

Bi History - Bi-sexual Visibility Day

Thursday 23rd September is International Celebrate Bi-sexuality Day. I plan to celebrate my sexuality on this day by attending the event BiPhoria has organised in Manchester, and in any other way I can think of meantime. I'll write how it goes here afterwards too.

First observed in 1999, Celebrate Bisexuality Day is the brainchild of three United States bisexual rights activists: Wendy Curry of Maine, Michael Page of Florida, and Gigi Raven Wilbur of Texas.

http://september23.bi.org/
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Bi History

*Rant Warning*

Okay, I've been looking at the Stonewall website today...There's a section there labelled: 'History of lesbian, gay and bisexual equality'. Having read this, though, I am left with several questions, not least of which is 'Do Bi-sexuals have any History?'. Stonewall seems to think not. There are plenty of references to social changes and campaigning brought about through Gay and Lesbian action, but not a whisper regarding bi-sexuals, or of how historical changes have affected us or been affected by us.

Invisible again? Dismissed as irrelevant or less important than Gays or Lesbians? It has me angry, but it genuinely has me asking, too... Have Bi-sexuals impacted on society enough to change attitudes and legislation? Is our invisibility, our absence from historical reference, our own fault? Answers and comments very much invited.

Writing Lyle

I spoke about writing Lyle over on my Mistress Moreish blog. I want to share some of what I learnt here too though. The character of Lyle is a transgendered male. He was born into a female body and he wants to change so that his body matches his identity. For Lyle gender is anything but irrelevant.

Lyle starts his story at the point where he has been living as a man for a little over two years, and has just started taking hormones to help change his body to that of a male, which is who he is. Lyle is gay. Our story takes him through his first proper date as a man, with another man, Gil.

I researched this section of the story very carefully. I found a lot out about how Lyle might feel, what he would want and not want in a lover and how the practical aspects of making love would affect his experience. I also found out a lot about how TG persons feel about the way they are portrayed in the media and in fiction.

I'm very grateful to the TG persons and fellow authors who helped me write this entry to the Haven Falls website. It was very challenging and it taught me some things both as a writer and as a supporter of people of ALL genders and gender identitites.

What did I learn? Well I hadn't realised previously what side effects Transmen experience from taking hormones. I had guessed at how they might feel about physical contact, but was glad to confirm I had gotten it right. I found out about the preferred language for addressing the issues and the persons involved and about which areas of the topic of transitioning are most charged for those participating in the process. I found out what the various options for surgery are for Transmen, that not all TG people do transition, and that transitioning is costly in both financial and, more importantly, emotional and social terms. I hope people feel I do justice to the topic and that I am portraying Lyle faithfully and sympathetically. Feedback about my writing is always welcomed, especially if you cvan offer constructive criticism or advice on how to do it better next time.

(In)Frequency of my Blogging

It's scary how time flies. If you read my blogs you'll know that I don't just blather on. Writing here daily isn't a goal for me. Writing daily has become a goal for me though. I've got a couple of newer blogs now, including the one I use for commenting in my aspirations of becoming a professional author. That one is at:

http://katisha-mistressmorish.blogspot.com/

There you can read about my exploits at Haven Falls, where I am writing the fictional tale of a transgendered male,Lyle Ashley Tate. You can also find out about the other writing projects I am currently invilved in.

I also now blog about learning to write. You can find that on at:

http://katisha-theartisanauthor.blogspot.com

Here I'm writing about the craft and art of being a writer, including citing references and quoting bits from others who have written on the subject. The aim there is to helpo myself retain the things I learn and to assist others who are learning to write too.

So, new blogs to follow and new paths being trodden. I'll be keeping this blog up to date (as much as I ever do anyway) and sharing what I learn about writing and life from portraying Lyle in Haven Falls. I;m also contemplating writing a book featuring a TG character and / or a bi character soon. Will keep you posted.

Going on an Outing - Part One

I've been contemplating my own state of 'OUT'-ness over the last month or so. This was prompted by the approach, and then passing, of PRIDE.

I have four lots of 'OUT'-ness to deal with. I am Pansexual. I am Polyamorous. I am Pagan. I experience some Mental Health difficulties (damn shame that condition of being can't be made to start with a P too, isn't it?). You might think I have a fifth and maybe even a sixth 'OUT'-ness to deal with, as I am also an avid science fiction and fantasy fangirl and gamer-geek.

The other week I accidentally 'Outed' myself as Bi / Pansexual to some of those people I know on FaceBook whilst talking about my excitement about the approach of PRIDE. No-one has reacted at all. I experienced a few minutes of “Oh my God!” about it, then realised that people I've Friended on FB probably either already know, have guessed, or don't care.

In truth, I couldn't be sure who I am 'out' to and who I am not 'out' to, and about what. I've stopped being too precious about things. If a moment comes in a social situation where I can react as my true self or I can react in a closeted way I now usually speak as Trueself. Occasionally I even challenge bigotted or ignorant behaviours or talk in public, if I feel safe in the environment in question.

Readers of my fiction and fanfiction should know of my sexuality, assuming they pay attention to my Biography setion, since my writing blog and my fanfiction blog both mention that I am Pansexual / Bi-sexual and Polyamorous. Anyone familiar with this blog will be aware of it too, now if not before...

The place I am mostly not 'out' in is at work. Having said that though, I am 'out' as polyamorous to immediate colleagues (okay, I get a certain frisson of amusement and naughtiness from outing myself in regard to being Poly), and 'out' as Bi (because Pansexual usually means nothing to the lay person and I don't especially want to have to explain the intimate truths of my sexual orientation to people, not even those I trust and / or love) to one person at work, only very recently, though. I am 'out' as Pagan / Wiccan to a number of my students, who have recognised the pentagram I wear for what it is and have asked me about it because they think of themselves as either Pagan or Wiccan.

The other place I am not 'out' as is with my blood relatives. This isn't to say they don't know, just that I never confirmed their 'worst suspicions / fears'. If he was paying attention, one of my nephews knows now, because I have him on FaceBook.

My siblings have gone through various stages of suspicion, mainly I think guessing me to be a lesbian (I can't blame them for guessing wrong, since I thought that myself once long ago). I confused their assumptions when I (publically) got myself a boyfriend, though. Of course, I suspect, they never considered I might be Bi, but assumed their earlier guess had simply been wrong, since they'd never known me to come home with a girlfriend and now I had come home with a boyfriend.

My sister has already repeatedly expressed her disappointment in me as a relative, so I doubt she would take any direct confirmation of my orientation and outlook well, especially since her partner is 'Christian', with a capital C, and they already think I need 'saving' because I am out to them as Pagan. (Gods help me if the 'W' word were ever to come up!). That 'outing' I did myself; my sister asked what the necklace I wear all the time meant – it's a pentagram and I explained it's meaning to her, which led to a fun hour or so. (I hadn't known they were 'Christian' until that day – they hadn't 'outed' themselves as that until then).

My brother seemed less phased than my sister when I told them both (in an indirect way) I am Polyamorous. (I suspect my sister didn't actually believe my story of having had multiple partners at the same time, who all knew about each other – after all, I am too fat and ugly and geeky for anyone to be interested in me sexually, right? Wrong).

I've started 'outing' myself on various levels to a handful of 'mundane' friends recently too. So far it's not proven too traumatic. Of course I can't hear their thoughts when I tell them, or when they go away and have time to think about it. I'm at a relatively early stage in regard to deliberately and specifically 'outing' myself, so maybe I just haven't experienced all of the associated fallout yet.

So why am I proceeding down this path? I'm not exactly sure, except that I want more freedom to be Trueself. I also, frankly, want to expend less energy on thinking about who knows what about me and what their consequent opinions of me might be. If people leave my life because they can't be comfortable around that person maybe that's okay? Maybe it's best for both them and me? Other people will come into my life because they meet Trueself. The best people will stay in my life because they are happy to know Trueself, or have known her longer than those who choose to run away from her and actually Love her.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for today on the topic. If you have a reaction or an opinion (other than feeling I need 'saving' – which I promise you I don't) leave me a message.

Terrific Evening Out

My beloved 'wife' went to the Blue Gillespie gig in Manchester with me last night. This was the very first time since we got 'married' that we went out as an OUT couple anywhere beyond the Village. It was terrific. I got to enjoy the band and my beloved both at the same time ! Blue Gillespie are amazing 'live' and I am still squee about the whole evening.

Very appropriate that this gig should be our first 'public appearance', since it is thanks to Gareth David-Lloyd's performance in Torchwood that we got back together and agreed to 'tie the knot'. Ianto's explanation of his relationship with Captain Jack to his family finally allowed ny 'wife' to realise what I meant to her and that labelling is irrelevant, it's love that always beats the darkness.

Feeling

I haven't found a gay / LGBT writer's site to post this to, so I am inflicting it on the world via this blog. Hope you like it.


maribou fingertips dancing on skin
sea-reflected light on a wooden deck
scent of sun-dried cotton shirts
taste of salt from a raging cock
rustling of wind in fresh-washed hair
heat of your hand on my back in the night
stream trickling away a mountainside
of fear and hurt


xxx

Erotica, Porn and Authorship

Firstly I wanted to say that, having been reviewing my blog, I feel the introductory passage below the title may give a false impression that I disapprove of sexual writings. I very much don't! It's just that you won't find any on this particular blog.

I actually do write erotica and porn, and support others who do likewise. I just publish elsewhere than here. I also write poetry, science-fiction and fantasy stories. If you would like a taste of the sort of stuff I do publish (and there is a lot that I write and don't publish) you can check me out at FanFiction and Writers' Dock, where I write under the name of 'Krekta'.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to congratulate my best friend, Jessie Blackwood, on the acceptance of one of her manuscripts and the forthcoming publication thereof. It's a great story, babe !

Re-Branding

I've avoided the spikey topic of 'labelling' and of gay-bi-het politics for a long while here. I guess really I prefer to be in denial about the existence or importance of gender politics, because I am so content with my own definition of my sexual self.

My definition has changed since I started this blog, back in 2006, though. Then I considered myself 'bi-sexual'. That was because I didn't know any other ways to express my orientation. Nor had I examined my sexual experiences closely enough to realise that I am actually a polyamorous, omnisexual (aka pansexual) homosapien.

I knew it back in 2006, or I would not have titled this blog the way I did. Gender truly is irrelevant to me when forming attachments with people, or indeed when choosing whether to make love with them or not. In the past I have had both TG and TS partners, as well as enjoying more 'mainstream' connections. I just didn't know all of the 'correct' (PC/popular) terms for who I am. I probably still don't.

For both political reasons and communicational and emotional convenience I am still prepared to subscribe to the label of 'bi-sexual', though. There aren't any omnisexual support groups or social groups I am aware of. The public (including the homo-public) have little understanding of the term 'bi-sexual', let alone 'omnisexual'. (I suspect that mostly Joe and Jane het, in their ignorance, would probably think I was into animals as well; I'm not, though I have been friends with those who claimed to be before now. That's a whole other posting though !)

As for 'pansexual', being a witch, I find it hard to use the word because it connects for me to the worship of Pan. I have no problem with that, except it's a bit specific, since I worship all sorts of gods, thought forms and concepts. I am not willing to risk putting noses out of joint with the rest of them by constantly referring to Pan when talking about my sexual and emotional identity.

I suppose I should also say at this stage that I do believe the 'bi' is the default setting on humans, and it is nurture and social pressure that leads to the drawing of boundaries and the whole thing of being expected to carve your sexual orientation in stone.


If you are wondering what has provoked such musings on my behalf, I am currently wading my way through Marjorie Garber's 'Bisexuality and the Eroticism of Everday Life'. It's a quite academic text, and 607 pages it's not exactly 'light' reading, but it has me thinking a lot more about gender politics and sexual identity than I have for a long time.

Curse or not, to quote Ianto Jones, (my favourite bi-sexual character of the moment, from 'Torchwood'), 'I read'.