Coming out is an ongoing thing... You are always coming out.
Learning this was both a relief and a terror for me. A relief, because I am now reassured that I am, apparently, 'doing it right'; a terror because I was thinking that you come out and then it's done and you can get on with your life. Not so, though.
I hadn't thought about it, but every time you start a new job, make a new friend or join a new social circle you face the debate of whether to come out to these relative strangers.
It's important to choose carefully who you come out to and when. Consider the 'why' too.
Speaking personally, I have some issues with the concept of 'Coming Out'. Heterosexual people don't feel obliged to announce their orientation to all and sunder. It's not ever their opening gambit to say "Oh, by the way, you know I am straight, right?". Some attendees expressed similar feelings. I was prompted to ponder whether we might someday have no need to announce ourselves? I truly hope we are headed for that day.
There may be people you don't need to come out to.
For example, one person explained that she is out to her work colleagues, but doesn't feel the need to be out to her clients. Someone did disclose that they had experienced difficulties when they came out at work; there was a debate amongst managers as to whether she could be allowed to continue working in the area she was in once she disclosed her orientation. I feel it's important to note that this attendee still felt that coming out at work was the right thing for her to do and that in the long run it was beneficial in her particular circumstances.
Collect your allies
Be aware of who you can enlist to help you or back you up when you come out. Maybe you have a relative who is gay and out, so you can slip in comments such as "I'm so like Aunt Alice you know..." Or have your sibling or friend, or someone else influential with the person(s) you are about to come out to at hand when you broach the subject.
You have to realise that your partner, if you have one, may not be able to be out.
They might lose not only their relatives but also their whole social and cultural network if they come out. Ostracisation is a very horrible thing to be faced with. This leads me to the question, though, of how you respond to the fact of one of you being out and the other not? Is it a viable situation in the long term? Will 'guilt by association' out your closeted partner eventually anyway, and if it does how will you respond to that as a couple?
There are lots of ways to come out
You can go for the formal bit of sitting your audience down and discussing everything with them. Alternatively you might get a friend who knows drunk and let them tell all your other friends. Or maybe you could wait until your kids out you - it's inevitable that they will. If you like taking risks you could just bring your partner home with you or take them to a family gathering, or disclose to your colleagues that the mysterious 'Ryan' or 'Kevin' you've been talking about, your supposed partner, is actually this person, and her real name is Jenny.
Signs of 'being gay'
You are probably giving yourself away in a variety of subtle ways anyway; the people you are considering telling may have worked it pout for themselves already.
Your close relatives or friends might even be hinting that they know, or fishing to see how you respond to things like "She's pretty, isn't she?".
Too, a few people did mention that they seem somehow to be wearing a neon signs above their heads declaring them to be gay. Other gay people, even strangers, approach them with 'a nod and a wink', indicating they are recognised to be part of the tribe. I've experienced this myself, not as being part of the 'gay tribe', but as being part of the 'witchy tribe'. Numerous pagans have 'given me the nod', spoken about our faith unprompted or invited me to participate in tribal events without me saying anything about my being a witch. This has prompted me to wonder whether those who approach us in this way could somehow be reading our proclivities in our auras? An interesting thought!
Lots of gay people used to be in a heterosexual marriage
Lots of people also use this fact to question whether you are gay once you come out to them. People get married for all sorts of reasons: peer pressure, family pressure, a desire to have children, the thought that maybe they can 'get over' their feelings for others of the same sex... the list is probably endless.
When divorce happens the reasons given for break down of the marriage include: "irreconsilable differences", and even "associating with unsuitable parties".
Gay parents--like many parents in general--may feel isolated.
In Manchester and its environs at least, there is an informal network that can be accessed, where families can join up to enjoy social activities like visiting a theme park in a group or kicking a ball around in the park together.
There's more protection in schools for gays nowadays.
This was, as an educator, a perception that surprised me, knowing how many teen suicides still occur as a result of orientation-related bullying. What people seemed to be saying, though, was that things are much easier for youngsters now than they were when they were teens.
One of the attendees revealed that a ten year old had recently come out to her son at school. Another attendee spoke about her child's friends expressing that: "Your Mum's great". Personally, I also wondered what reactions people get when they attend 'parents evening' with their same-gender partners.
Being out to your neighbours
It seems that if you are out in your local community you suddenly become 'representative' of the whole tribe; how you are perceived reflects on the rest of us. No-one mentioned that you may also be stereotyped until people around you learn better, but I'm guessing this is also true. A couple of people did mention that they had experienced straight people keeping their kids away from them...
So you're out now...What next?
Mix! Get out and about. You can't meet someone if you are not going to the right places. Find out where people gather and get in there. The 'scene' can be daunting, so maybe joining one of the many smaller social groups that are sponsored by the LGF (or similar organisations in your area) will be a good first step if you are shy or nervous. (The Manchester 'hotspots' for meeting gay women are 'Vanilla' and 'Coyotes', apparently. I believe Taurus is popular with the bisexual community, but that one needs confirming as yet).
The general theme of the meeting seemed to be:
"Work out what you want and pursue it".
Coming out is different for everyone
Sometimes it's easier than you expected. Sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes you do lose people from your life when you come out. Other people will surprise you with their positive and supportive responses. If you already have allies and friends it's easier then to bear those times when someone does reject you because you came out to them. There is a 'tribe' and it probably pays to get to know them by joining the groups you feel are appropriate to your circumstances. The tribe is less scary than you might think and far more willing to embrace and support you than you might be imagining.
Queer or Gay?
The majority of the women present at the meeting identified as being 'gay'. The term was used in preference to the word 'lesbian', which seemed to be a disapproved of term, rather un-PC. It was mentioned that a friend of one of the attendees had expressed that they were 'omni' or 'queer', because these terms were more inclusive of various orientations. I was disappointed to realise, though, that the term 'Omni' was not really familiar or properly understood by some who were present.Following my experience of attending the Stepping Stones meeting I realise that my choice to identify as 'Omnisexual' is right, and I can also claim the term 'Queer' when describing myself to others in the various tribes that fall under this over-arching umbrella term.
Stepping Stones on Facebook
The following is the description the group gives of themselves on Facebook:
"Stepping Stones is an informal peer support group for women who identify as lesbian, bisexual or who are exploring their sexuality.
"The group provides a safe and welcoming space for women who are new to the area, ‘coming out', have just come out of a relationship.
"The group chooses and organises discussions around such things as sexual health, homophobia and coming out and also invites guest speakers, which have previously included legal issues and health and well being.
"The group is for women aged from 18 years old, with no upper age limit..."
I did find the group very welcoming. If you are nervous or shy you can arrange to meet a representative in advance of the meeting to help you settle in, as I did. The meeting space used was very informal and extremely comfortable. Tea and coffee was available and the kitchen area was very clean and tidy. There was a good range of ages present, though I was quietly made aware that there is another similar group for older women too... The majority of the discussion was carried by a small subgroup of attendees, but it was very easy to contribute if you chose to. Lots of people simply listened, you don't have to speak if you prefer not to. I am really glad I decided to take a step onto my first Stepping Stone and I look forward to meeting people there again soon.
.
.
