The Wisdom of Others - Community

The following editorial, by Tris Reid-Smith, appeared in the November 10th edition of Gay Times:

"Does the gay community really exist? Obviously it does - just like we are all part of a community where we live, whether we bother to speak to our neighbours or not. We have shared interests and shared needs and what effects one of us often effects all of us.

"The better question to ask is whether out gay (or LGBT if you prefer) community lives up to its potential or our expectations? Often it does - just look at the leading role queer activists played in protesting the Pope's visit to Britain and making it clear that his homophobia was not welcomne. But that doesn't mean gay people are incapable of being selfish, apathetic and dishonest,

"Saying that such behaviour proves there is no gay community or gives you an excuse to opt out of it is selfish too. I don't say that lightly as it is often decent people who have made an effort to give something back that are the most disillusioned. But when you're knocked down you have to get up and carry on - that's not rewarding those people who have treated you unfairly, it's proving them wrong."

To quote Chumbawumba's 'Tub Thimping':

"I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down!"

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The Wisdom of Others - History, Identity, Words (rant warning!)

Gary Bowen, (writing in Feinberg, 1998:63-66) offers the following observations on where we should draw from in our struggle to identify ourselves:

"...Spirit gives to each of us Visions of who we are which we must manifest in the material world to the best of our ability. (p64)

"It is extremely important to remember that 'transexual' and 'transgendered' are terms that have arisen out of the dominant [white and westernised] culture's experience with gender, and are not necessarily reflective of a wide variety of people, cultures, beliefs and practices relating to gender. (p63-4)

Bowen tells us that the term 'twin-spirit' has negative connotations in some Native settings, having a similar meaning to 'mulato', or translating as 'ghost-haunted'. The correct Native term for a F2M is apparently 'kurami', whilst the term for a M2F is 'winkte'.

"Spirit is not divided in itself, but is an integrated whole... there are seven cardinal directions: east, west, north, south, up, down and center, as the Native viewpoint embraces dimensions not normally noticed by the dominant [white and westernised] culture. (p65)

I am grateful to Bowen for these insights into the words we use for ourselves and those which are applied to us by others. I am less impressed, however, by the undertone his writing has of counter-bigotry. His choice of 'get your hands off my culture' language, whilst understandable, is unhelpful, I feel. So too is his assumption that his own Native culture holds exclusive rights to certain spiritual insights, such as the above described view of the cosmos.

Bowen says:

"There are many 'magpies' who are drawn to latch onto the bright, shiny aspects of Native culture, who misappropriate Native culture, customs and artifacts in the belief that they are 'honouring' Native people by imitating them without understanding them. It is better for non-Native people to follow our example by looking to their own ancestors and reclaiming their own transgendered spirituality... white people need to reclaim their own sacred people instead of appropriating ours." (p66)

I feel that Bowen is belittling pink-skin culture and the historical experiences of us pink-skins here. It is a fact that the majority of 'white, westernised' peoples abandoned their heritage long before they endeavoured to impose their mish-mashed culture(s) on others. Tracing our ancestors is a very difficult task for most of us pink-skins. Understanding them is even harder. I believe, because Spirit tells me so, that I am Celtic in origin, yet science tells me I am Viking by blood. Parts of my spiritual community attempt 'Reclaiming' - but so fragmented and distorted are our pink-skin histories that it is unclear whether what they come up with is anything like that which they seek. Too, I partially subscribe to the 'Seven Daughters of Eve / seven tribes' theory or evolution, and know full well that the colour of my skin has more to do with the climate of where my, originally nomadic, ancestors settled than who I am and how I identify myself. Where am I to look for my ancestors, my language and my sacred Trans people?

I reserve the right, then, to collect those bright and shining terms and ideas which call to me in Spirit, which come to me in my own Visions, and to consider them to be my very own because of the Truth they speak about Me and who I am.
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The Wisdom of Others - I'm Okay, You're Okay

"The way in which individuals express themselves is a very important part of who they are. It is not possible to force all people to live outside of femininity and masculinity. Only androgynous people live comfortably in that gender space. there's no social compulsion powerful enough to force anyone else to dwell there...

"Why would we want to ask anyone to give up their own hard-fought-for place on the gender spectrum? There are no rights or wrongs in the ways people express their own gender style. no-one's lipstick or flattop is hurting us. No-one's gender expression is any more 'liberated' than anyone else's" - Feinberg (1998:53).

It strikes me that submissives are often subjected to bigotry by the various (fractured) liberation movements. Female submissives are certainly berated for playing into the hands of 'male-dominated' society, or of betraying the 'women's liberation' movement, when they express their self-defined gender and sexuality. I have not myself witnessed it, but I suspect gay male submissives, for example 'cubs', are equally oppressed by those not in the same headspace as them.

As a Dominant and Mistress I feel that I must (and I will) defend the rights of submissives and bottoms to express their gender and sexual identities at least as vigorously as I defend my own.


Bibliography

Feinberg,L.(Ed.), 1998), Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink and Blue, Boston (USA): Beacon Press
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The Wisdom of Others - Loving and Supportive Relationships

Regular readers will know that recently I have bveen reading 'Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue', edited by Leslie Feinberg. Much of what Feinberg and his fellow writers in this volume have written speaks to me, so I am sharing here via a number of entries.

Cynthia Phillips has this to tell to us:

"She was so matter-of-fact telling me that I was not shocked or upset about it; I just accepted it as a part of someone I was in love with. I felt that Linda was such a fine person that anything she did could not be a bad thing. I always have looked inside a person and have not been concerned about appearance. So when I looked into Linda's (Jim's) soul I saw someone who had the qualities I desired in a person I planned on spending my life with." (p41)

Feinberg adds:

"Our significant others are not observers of 'our' oppression. They are not 'related' to our movement. All our significant others are partners in the life-changing experience of trans-consciousness and struggle." (p46)

For my own part, whilst I have not been blind to appearances, how someone looks is no longer the primary factor in deciding who I chose to sleep with and care about. It has never been a factor in who I 'choose' to love -- when I love I do so instinctively, without rationalising or being able to consciously select the objects of my affection.

I am eternally grateful for the support I have received from all of my allies -- my partners and friends, lovers and loved ones. Your willingness to let me be and to help me be the person I am is the greatest of treasures.
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The Wisdom of Others - The Need for Unity

I have been reading 'Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue', edited by Leslie Feinberg. This slim but very significant volume of Trans wisdom has been having a considerable effect on my thinking. I want to share some of what I have learned here.

The book's main message is that unity is the way forward in the fight for our rights as human beings. All non-mainstream societies need to work together to shift the balance of power away from a monopoly serving the majority to a society where people who are differenced and diversified are truly recognised, honoured, and imparted the same rights as the majority. The book whole-heartedly condemns the 'in-fighting' and condemnation of differenced people sometimes seen in LGBT society. I find myself agreeing with most of what is presented in this book.

Feinberg observes:

"All of us in this society are wounded. But we don't always know where each other's injuries are located. That means we may thoughtlessly hurt each other. Everyone who has been treated injustly or been disrespected in this society is full of justified anger. I believe we need to take care not to unleash that rage on each other" (p55)

"...None of us can ever be free while others are still in chains. That's the truth underlying the need for solidarity. Trans liberation is inextricably linked to other movements for equality and justice."(p48)

"..Non-one who has pitched in to build and defend women's and lesbian, gay, bi liberation is a 'traitor' because of who they love , or because they have transitioned..."

I'm not currently actively involved in my local LGBT community. I have never publicly identified as a Lesbian, though in my head I did in the past, for a brief period before working out it wasn't where I was at, so I won't be condemned for 'switching allegiances', at least not by that branch of our community. I;ve not contributed much either, though, so can I legitimately claim the rights others have unknowingly fought for on my behalf?

Feinberg quotes a Chinese proverb:

"The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it" (p61)

I am increasingly drawn to becoming 'a person who does'. How I shall achieve this remains to be seen, but one way, I think, may be to become involved in developing an LGBT branch within the Equality and Diversity policy of my workplace. I have fears about doing so - whilst students may be given their liberties as a result of such action, staff may remain suppressed and vulnerable to attack. I do not know if I am prepared to take risks in this regard.

Recently though I have 'trail blazed' for another sector of my workplace community, those suffering work-related mental health issues. I didn't ask to be a trail blazer. All I wanted was to be allowed to work in peace and to the best of my ability. At times I have resented my role as guinea pig and ground breaker. I am told much has been achieved in this real because of me. If I can, then, do so much when not trying, how much more could I achieve on a battlefield of my own choosing? Yet too, I am cautioned by experience of the need to 'choose your battles carefully'. Thus, what I will eventually undertake to do for my community remains to be seen. What occurs shall be reported here, in time.
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Labels, labels everywhere...

I just learnt that some people born with female genitalia refer to themselves as 'Male to Male', "in recognition of the fact that they had not ever felt female in their lives" (Feinberg, 1998:43). I don't know why this came as a surprise to me, it makes sense in context.

Other words you might see used when looking into the concept of gender identity include: tomboy, butch, femme, female cross-dresser, male cross-dresser, transexual, transgender, male-to-male, female-to-male, male-to-female, transman, transwoman, drag queen, drag king, F2M, M2F, third sex, twin spirited, intersexual...

Words are very powerful--they can include or they can exclude, they can praise or they can condemn, they can comfort or crush. The words we choose to apply to ourselves and to others are the most important of all. Think of the language of 'personal ads'--each term paints a picture of who we are and what we want and expect of our lives and of those we opt to share them with.

My own self-definition has proven quite fluid. I have gone from 'wiccan' to 'pagan' to 'witch'. I have gone from 'bisexual' to 'pansexual' to 'humano-sexual/humano-romantic'. My gender identity is unresolved. I am content to live in a female body, but I know that is not the entire sum of my being. I fairly often express my 'inner gay male' as well as my 'inner bisexual female' and my 'inner gender-neutral pansexual'. I would presently consider myself to be 'pangendered'. I am not wrongly identified as female, I am just not completely accurately described by that term alone.

There are days when I very definitely see men with 'gay man's eyes' rather than with 'bisexual female's eyes'. It is fascinating to me to observe that my inner gay male appreciates a completely different set of men to those my female bisexual self. (He likes and craves muscle men; she finds muscular men vulgar and unappealing. He likes moderately hairy men; she likes men without body hair. He likes men who sport 'buzz cuts'; she likes long haired men). This 'split vision' has occurred with increasing frequency since I began writing M/M Romances. It's also interesting to me to note that my inner male is gay rather than bisexual or pansexual; when I lust after a woman it is my female aspect that is involved, never my male aspect.

Do our labels serve any real purpose? Only if you subscribe to the idea that a lover or a soulmate can be located by giving a proscriptive list of ideal qualities for the person you think you 'WLTM' and discarding all other applicants. Personally I am open to all sorts of relationships, I don't want to exclude someone from my radar who might just prove that addage of 'opposites attract', for example. 'Close fits' are definitely welcome to apply.

Contemplating the Wisdom of Others #2 - Am I a Tranny?

Okay, not PC... I'm an ignorant tart who isn't sure what PC term might best be applied to myself. Sorry about that.

It's a serious question, though, prompted by reading Leslie Feinberg's book, Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink and Blue.

Does the fact that I, on occasion, deliberately sport 'masculine' attire make me Trans? I wear the clothes...

1. to amuse myself and because I like how I look in them
2. to turn someone else on
3. to try and identify myself to and with others in the GBLT community
4. as a form of Cosplay, connecting with a fictional bisexual character I admire (Ianto Jones from Torchwood).

I used to have two cross-dressing partners. One was heterosexual, and may or may not have been 'bi-gendered', as Feinberg terms it. The other was Bi-sexual and gender ambivalent (he wanted to partially transition, to become a shemale). So I have been the partner of TransPersons too.

Labels, everything seems to be labels! I'm with Captain Jack Harkness (or Harkness-Jones, as he is in my own fanfiction Alternate Universe), we're too hung up on labels. But as humans we inevitably(?)use labels to socialise ourselves, and to separate ourselves from others socially too. We make judgements on which people we identify with and which people we, linguistically at least, vilify.

Leslie Feinberg comments on all of this in Trans Liberation, and I want to share some of the thoughts and ideas Leslie presents here (The following constitutes excerpts from a speech given by Leslie to the Ninth Annual Texas 'T' Party, which I understand is a convention for heterosexual cross-dressers and their partners):

"Misconceptions have been a barrier between our communities. In order to have any real dialogue, it means we must all listen carefully to each other... Many of us have been taught to identify ourselves by what we are not. But it's not a satisfying definition and almost always hurts the people we are defining away from. I believe we should strive for positive self-definition and also defend each other's self-identification as we do our own." (p22)

"We, as cross-dressers--gay, bisexual, lesbian and straight--and our partners, have a stake in challenging restrictive attitudes towards human behaviour and self-expression. And I believe that combating every form of prejudice against lesbian, gay and bisexual love has an importance for us here, as well." (p25)

"...cross-dressing has always been socially synonymous with gayness. I think this misconception is based on the fact that uni-gender lesbian and gay cross-dressers were socially visible and organized at a times when most bi-gender, heterosexual cross-dressers were isolated or members of 'underground' organizations." (p26)

"I understand the rage you must feel when someone claims that your identity is an expression of shame--that you are gay and won't admit it. And I have thought a lot lately about what it must feel like to have one person in the world who loves you. Who you yearn for sexually. And who you fear will spurn you and leave you if they mistakenly think that your sexuality has changed--that you must be gay." (p26)

I find this passage especially interesting. Feinberg is speaking to heterosexual cross-dressers, but the same understanding should likewise be extended to those of us who identify as bisexual, I feel. It is quite common for gays and lesbians to hold the same misconception about us, too.

"...you are revealing twin aspects of your gender expression...your sexuality has not changed." (P27)

Perhaps we bisexuals are revealing twin aspects of our sexual expression...our gender has not changed?

"We have all been wounded in the ways we negotiate sex and intimacy; we fear communicating our needs and desires. Greater freedom to conceive the limitless potential of human sexuality, without shame, is an important and necessary contribution to all of humanity." (p28)

Well yeah, I'd agree with that, except that 'gender' and 'sexuality' seem to have become interchangeable terms in this last passage, which they are NOT. My body is Female, my gender is under consideration, my sexual orientation is humano-sexual (pansexual), my emotional identity is humano-romantic ...and sometimes I cross-dress / cosplay...

Am I Trans? I am HUMAN. That's my biggest subset and I'm sticking with it. Though I don't mean to put barriers between myself and non-humans or hurt their feelings by defining myself away from them, okay? LOL.


Bibliography
Leslie Feinberg, (1998), Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink and Blue, Boston: Beacon Press.
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Blue Gillespie performing at Sex, Wales and Anarchy

EXPLICIT LYRICS

This is Blue Gillespie, fronted by Gareth David-Lloyd (the talented actor, singer and songwriter who played Ianto Jones in Torchwood). This is my favourite BG song, and I have the joyful memory of Gareth singing it at the gig at Manchester's Ruby Lounge (affectionately referred to as 'the tit gig'), where the delightful man was wearing less...



This performance was at Sex Wales and Anarchy (1), apparently, which is an annual event Gareth devised to promote unsigned talent in Wales. The song is called Bam Bam.

Buy Blue Gillespie stuff off Amazon UK and see them on You Tube, My Space, Twitter and Facebook and on their own website.

Review - Both Sides Now, by Dhillon Khosla

Both Sides Now: One Man's Journey Through Womanhood by Dhillon Khosla




This is a terrifically interesting autobiography. Dhillon, the author, documents his transition from the wrong body (female) to the right one (male), but there is far more here than this journey. Dhillon gives us much anecdotal information in the form of flashbacks about his life before transitioning, revealing the 'clues' there had been in his early life and the reactions he had to the things in his life which were incongruous with his real gender identity. It's also a story of immense interest and depth of the life of a man.

I'd love for this to be compulsory reading in schools, except my own experience tells me that 'compulsory' reads lead you to loathe the texts concerned (I still cannot bear Lord of the Flies, for example, and where I would have loved Animal Farm if I had found it for myself the joy of it was lost on me when I was required to analyse it cover to cover).

Anyone who has questions about their own gender or who is contemplating transitioning would find this book a fascinating revelation and likely learn immensely from it. Too, though, women who have always wondered what it is like being a man would find this book equally revealing. Dhillon writes beautifully and I am very grateful for his sharing his experiences with his readers. Please do read it!



View all my reviews

Interesting Observations on Bisexual Visibility

This was posted anonymously at Bialogue, citing Feministing.com. I want to share it.

Holding My Boyfriend's Hand: On Becoming Invisible Again

After over a decade of dating mostly butch/masculine women, I am dating a man again. I am a queer high femme, and I "pass" easily through straight society. I am never gay-bashed, just street harassed.

Dating a man again does not fuck with my sense of self, nor does it somehow alienate me from my queer family. I've always identified as a femme attracted to male energy, and that energy inhabits a wide spectrum of bodies and presentations. I am queer. My queer chosen family and friends understand that who I date does not negate my queerness, and they care more for my happiness then the gender of who I date. My male lover is queer and knows how my attractions work. He likes the boys as well as the girls, and frankly, we enjoy these parts of each other.

Coming out, I felt the pain of rejection from LGBTQ folks. I remember going to lesbian bars in multiple cities and having my intentions questioned. Walking down a long, dark alley to one bar, one of the hottest butches I have ever seen leered and asked, "you here to watch, straight girl?" I escaped to the mecca of San Francisco only to have bouncers demand "you know this is dyke night, right?" If this happened today, I would saucily sashay my way past the bouncers, toss a line to the butch, and walk right in, but I wasn't there a decade ago.

I mistakenly thought that even if it wouldn't be easy, it at least wouldn't be that big a deal to date a man again - but the invisibility is back. As my boyfriend and I walk up to see a movie, I give the butch-femme couple in front of us the smile of shared community. They glare at me with "we-don't-need-your-patronizing-smile-of-acceptance-straight-girl" faces, and a part of me goes cold. I know that smile - I would give it to people as I walked next to my butch, waiting for a gawk at her presentation from the straights around us so that I could glare back. I loved the feeling of community when I smiled at other obviously queer couples.

I went home this weekend with my new boyfriend. My mother's joy hurt. My ex had nursed my mother through multiple painful events, mowed the lawn when she couldn't, gotten drunk with her, but all of this was wiped away by bringing a man home. And she should love him too - he is amazing and wonderful and smart. But she should love him for him, not for his gender.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to go back to wearing rainbow buttons, and frankly they don't work with my knee-high boots or strappy sandals. I've made it clear to my mother that I have not changed and that women lovers will always be a part of my life. But some part of me is still waiting to get into the dyke bar. I hate being invisible again, and I hate being in a world that defines my sexuality by the person whose hand I am holding. Even all of my sauciness can't lead me to easy answers or fast retorts, and I'm struggling to find how to be here and queer even while holding my boyfriend's hand.

Contemplating the Wisdom of Others #1

I've been reading up... I want to understand myself better, and think that reading what others have written about their experiences of being Bisexual and Polyamorous will help me with that process. I believe in the Internet and the World Wide Web's ability to improve communication and enhance our understanding of things, so I incline to share what my research reveals to me.

Something that comes across strongly in what I have read so far is the Bisexuals experience some difficulties from the Gay and Lesbian communities as well as the Heterosexuals. It's not something I have experienced myaelf, since I have never been a part of the Lesbian community and therefore cannot be perceived of as 'switching sides' or 'betraying' my 'true' identity.

Let's be straight, I AM PANSEXUAL, or bisexual, if you prefer that more familiar term. I'm not on my way to becoming a Lesbian. This isn't a journey, it's a destination reached.

I used to think, when I first romantic love and sexual attraction for another woman, that I perhaps was a Lesbian. It bothered me, though, because I didn't 'feel' like a Lesbian--however that was meant to feel? I liked men. My woman liked men too. We liked each other even more. That didn't gel with what I imagined Lesbians would feel. That's because I never was a Lesbian; neither was my woman, but it took time to realise what we each were.

This has been said of the Bisexual experience:

"Because our society is so polarized between homosexuals and heterosexuals, the bisexual closet has two doors...

The sexologist Kinsey has created a 0-6 scale in which people are rated as to their homo/heterosexuality. I think of myself as off the scale. To me, the Kinsey scale has as much relevance as if everyone were evaluated on a spectrum of whether they were more attracted to people with brown eyes or green/blue eyes. Gender is just not what I care about or really notice in a sexual partner (pp4-5).

"I can barely imagine what it's like to be a lesbian or a straight woman, to be attracted to women because they are female--and that is sexy--or to men because they are male."

Jane Litwoman

The assertion, (reportedly especially popular amongst homosexuals), that bisexuality , and by implication bisexuals, do not exist is patently faulty--I am stood here before you and I am neither heterosexual nor homosexual. Or am I both?

I actually define myself as humano-sexual or pansexual, but your word for me would probably be bisexual. I am an impossible thing according to some of you. I am a mythological being--a unicorn, a dragon, an angel.

In truth, sexuality isn't the standard I apply to myself. I LIKE sex. I fucking love to fuck! I am an eleven on a scale of one to ten when it comes to my desire for sexual activity. If I want sex I am not thinking about gender. I can foind sexual pleasure and fulfilment with a man, a woman or a piece of plastic (and most other materials).

I am humano-connective, or humano-romantic. I LOVE humans, the persons inside the bodies everyone else seems to be obsessed with. I am pan-romantic. I am beyond labelling.

"Sexuality is also based on clan and tribal customs, and sometimes that tribal opinion has changed as a result of generations of governmentally approved and financed missionary activity. (p37)

"I acknowledge my openness to express affection with someone I love. I will not prevent an honest friendship to manifest itself sexually, no matter what sex the person is. (p38)

Joe Rios

I am finding that several of the authors were near to my own present age at the point when they came out. Is there something to this, or do people my age simply understand and express themselves more easily than other age groups? It would be interesting to discover if hetero- and homosexuals blossom around the same age. Is it a 'Croning' thing, perhaps?

"...I am coming to expand my consciousness far beyond genital sex and straight romantic love and to feel the ways in which eroticism energises and empowers my life. I am now validating my bonding with women more, and as I love women more, I love men in a new and better way. I can love them as human beings rather than as superior beings from whom I am to derive my existence. (pp40-41)

"Although life would be easier if all women lived in a lesbian utopia and all men were villains, as a bisexual I perceive people as individuals rather than as ,e,bers of a group. I will not reject a good man just because he is a man, and I will not tolerate mistreatment from a woman just because she is a woman." (p42)

Laura Johnson

Bibliography

Hutchins, L. (Ed) and Kaahumanu, L. (Ed.), (1995), Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out, Alyson Publications Inc.
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