Polyamoury 1 - Myths and Truths

Recently I watched a programme on Channel 4 about polyamoury, entitled "I Love You. And You. And You. And You". It was better than I'd expected, knowing how biased C4 can be sometimes.

For those of you who haven't heard the term before, polyamoury is defined differently by pretty much everyone who gets involved in it. I used to be in a polyamorous relationship, but I'm not nowadays. When I was, I defined polyamoury as loving more than one person and being honest about it and about what goes on because of that multiplicity of affection. The show last night did use one of the phrases that best explains the 'Why?' of polyamoury - "Love isn't Finite".

It is possible to love more than one person at the same time. In fact pretty much everyone does it, especially if they happen to have kids. Note that the key word is Love, not lust of sex or f*ck. We love our relatives (usually), our partners, our children, our best friends. Sometimes love has a sexual aspect and sometimes it is non-sexual. Even in polyamorous situations it's not beneficial for the observer to assume that everyone is having sex with everyone, since that usually is not the case.

Managing the situation of loving more than one person at a time, when that love is or wants to be sexual, is usually the tricky part. The non-Poly solution is usually to have an 'affair', or to 'cheat'. In a stable poly relationship the concepts of cheating or having an affair are rendered meaningless, because in order for those terms to apply something must be being kept secret and hidden from the person not involved in the additional sex acts. Poly folks don't do sexual secrets. They don't do 'sneaking around'.

There is an assumption that Poly people are promiscuous. That's usually not true. Of course some poly people are 'swingers' in the same way that some mono people are 'swingers'. If you think about it, though, how promiscuous are you going to get when taking on an extra sex pal involves a frank conversation beforehand with all the people you are already in a relationship with and the acquisition of their permission and blessings ? Just run it through your mind - "Honey, I'd like to start seeing X..." In the current relationship you are in, would you be able to say it easily ? Or at all ?

Genuinely poly people don't keep their relationships secret from their partners. Sadly, though, they usually have to keep their relationships secret from society. In the tv show I mentioned, one man spoke quite movingly about the fear that he might lose his kids if his poly status became known to society. He and his partners had chosen to hide their relationship from their kids, and the additional female in the group was only known to the kids as 'the babysitter'. I actually had very mixed emotions about this deception and felt very sorry for the fact that that family felt they needed to maintain that facade.

Poly people are no more likely to be sexual predators than non-poly people. There is no reason to assume that poly people will involve their children in their sexual activities or expose them to a moral climate which will be injurious to them. The reverse is usually the case, in fact. Poly people have to be honest with each other for poly to work. They also have to be very supportive of each other, empathetic and caring. If they are parents, poly people are going to share those qualities with their children as well as their partners. A child who is raised in an atmosphere of honesty, mutual supportiveness, empathy and care has to benefit from that experience, right ?

You have to be grown up to be successfully poly. Poly people aren't angels. They still have feelings of jealous, envy, anger, tetchiness... but the climate of a poly relationship lends itself to talking about those things rather than letting things fester. You'd drive each other crazy otherwise.

I am no longer a practising polyamourist. I have a very loving sexual relationship with just one person. I adore that person. I like to think that my having been poly, and my partner knowing about that before we got together, has benefitted our situation. Because of societal issues it's not easy to say "Actually, I used to have multiple partners (and may want that again)". It's not easy to accept that about someone, either. It takes consideration and rationalisation before you can move past the 'Ulp' feelings. My personal take on it is that poly breeds honesty, and honesty breeds trust. It takes a lot of mutual trust to survive being mono.