Loving Wishes

I don't have much time these days to update my various blogs, but I especially want to wish my beloved boyfriend a very happy and enjoyable Christmas. I adore you, babe.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Apologies that I haven't made any fresh entries to my blogs recently. I'm experiencing a busy time in my life and can't fit everything in that I'd like to. Since blogging is a hobby and not an essential, it's suffering. Back on board as soon as I can. Thinking of you.

Why 'Gender Irrelevant' ?

It occurs to me that I haven't as yet explained the title of this particular blog. I am very keen on words, so the titles of my blogs are supposed to be meaningful. The title for this one reflects me feeling that gender really is irrelevant when it comes to matters of the heart and soul.

I'm bi-sexual, so I know that what gender someone is doesn't affect my capacity to love them or to be in love with them. I've never been a 'girly girl', but a person with a range of interests, some of which are genderised by the society I live in most of the time.

If you are bi-sexual or bi-curious and you haven't had chance to live in a bi-sexual society, by the way, I heartily recommend BiCon ! I had some wonderful experiences there when a friend persuaded me to go a few years back. I long to go again, and will as soon as I have a bigger bank account than I do presently.

Domestic Violence

I'm not sure if this entry belongs here, or on my Bullying blog ? This blog is the one that carries the content warning, so maybe here is the right spot, since sexual behaviours are mentioned as well as emotional issues.

There was a thing on television yesterday about the effect witnessing domestic violence has on children. All of a sudden someone has realised it has an effect. Woohoo for them ! (*sarcasm*) Shouldn't that have been d*mn obvious to people ? What I experienced as a child still effects my relationships and interactions with others now, in adulthood

I am presently seeing a counsellor. Part of what I have been discovering is the effect on me of witnessing and experiencing domestic violence as a child. If you don't feel safe around your parents, your primary carers, you are going to struggle feeling safe around anyone else too. Not feeling safe makes you do and feel odd things about other people and about yourself.

There's a theory that says people who are abused as children (that happened to me too) often end up involved in the BDSM scene, which I did. A number of people I met on the BDSM scene had experienced similar things in childhood. I don't know if there really is a link, though.

So, good thing that someone 'official' has realised that children can suffer from domestic violence, not only directly but also indirectly. Bl**dy obvious to those of us who've been there.

Bi = Invisible ?

Fair warning - this is a hobby horse of mine. I feel that bi-sexuals are very poorly served, not only by the media, but also by what should be their own community. Effectively, in the West, bi-sexuality is inclined to be socially and culturally 'invisible'.

What prompts me to say this ? Let's take a look at just one media example, for a start - Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Who's bi there, you may well ask ? Well actually it's Willow. No, she isn't 'gay', she's bi-sexual, despite how her relationship with her female partner is portrayed. Yet the character even refers to herself as 'gay' ! Before she took up with a woman, though, she had a relationship with Oz... you know, the werewolf bloke, yet Willow seems to have amnesia about that time in her emotional life. Grrrr.

What annoys me about this is not only that bi-sexuality isn't given an airing, but that the character inaccurately portrays being gay as some sort of lifestyle choice too !

This cultural amnesia seems to extend to some real life bi-sexuals as well. I have some theories why this is, not least of which is that the poor visibility of bi-sexuality is perpetuated through our social associations. Socially, we tend to cling to the gay / lesbian movements like they are a life raft. This isn't helpful, though, because these two groups aren't interested in adopting us. We aren't 'them' any more than we are 'hetro', no matter how much you might choose to subsume your reality in order to fit in.

Wake up, people ! If you are in the wonderful state of consciousness and being which allows you to love and be sexual with all genders, please be bold enough to own being bi-sexual, not a homosexual or a hetrosexual who occasionally strays ! Admit and own your position firmly on that fence !

Polyamoury 1 - Myths and Truths

Recently I watched a programme on Channel 4 about polyamoury, entitled "I Love You. And You. And You. And You". It was better than I'd expected, knowing how biased C4 can be sometimes.

For those of you who haven't heard the term before, polyamoury is defined differently by pretty much everyone who gets involved in it. I used to be in a polyamorous relationship, but I'm not nowadays. When I was, I defined polyamoury as loving more than one person and being honest about it and about what goes on because of that multiplicity of affection. The show last night did use one of the phrases that best explains the 'Why?' of polyamoury - "Love isn't Finite".

It is possible to love more than one person at the same time. In fact pretty much everyone does it, especially if they happen to have kids. Note that the key word is Love, not lust of sex or f*ck. We love our relatives (usually), our partners, our children, our best friends. Sometimes love has a sexual aspect and sometimes it is non-sexual. Even in polyamorous situations it's not beneficial for the observer to assume that everyone is having sex with everyone, since that usually is not the case.

Managing the situation of loving more than one person at a time, when that love is or wants to be sexual, is usually the tricky part. The non-Poly solution is usually to have an 'affair', or to 'cheat'. In a stable poly relationship the concepts of cheating or having an affair are rendered meaningless, because in order for those terms to apply something must be being kept secret and hidden from the person not involved in the additional sex acts. Poly folks don't do sexual secrets. They don't do 'sneaking around'.

There is an assumption that Poly people are promiscuous. That's usually not true. Of course some poly people are 'swingers' in the same way that some mono people are 'swingers'. If you think about it, though, how promiscuous are you going to get when taking on an extra sex pal involves a frank conversation beforehand with all the people you are already in a relationship with and the acquisition of their permission and blessings ? Just run it through your mind - "Honey, I'd like to start seeing X..." In the current relationship you are in, would you be able to say it easily ? Or at all ?

Genuinely poly people don't keep their relationships secret from their partners. Sadly, though, they usually have to keep their relationships secret from society. In the tv show I mentioned, one man spoke quite movingly about the fear that he might lose his kids if his poly status became known to society. He and his partners had chosen to hide their relationship from their kids, and the additional female in the group was only known to the kids as 'the babysitter'. I actually had very mixed emotions about this deception and felt very sorry for the fact that that family felt they needed to maintain that facade.

Poly people are no more likely to be sexual predators than non-poly people. There is no reason to assume that poly people will involve their children in their sexual activities or expose them to a moral climate which will be injurious to them. The reverse is usually the case, in fact. Poly people have to be honest with each other for poly to work. They also have to be very supportive of each other, empathetic and caring. If they are parents, poly people are going to share those qualities with their children as well as their partners. A child who is raised in an atmosphere of honesty, mutual supportiveness, empathy and care has to benefit from that experience, right ?

You have to be grown up to be successfully poly. Poly people aren't angels. They still have feelings of jealous, envy, anger, tetchiness... but the climate of a poly relationship lends itself to talking about those things rather than letting things fester. You'd drive each other crazy otherwise.

I am no longer a practising polyamourist. I have a very loving sexual relationship with just one person. I adore that person. I like to think that my having been poly, and my partner knowing about that before we got together, has benefitted our situation. Because of societal issues it's not easy to say "Actually, I used to have multiple partners (and may want that again)". It's not easy to accept that about someone, either. It takes consideration and rationalisation before you can move past the 'Ulp' feelings. My personal take on it is that poly breeds honesty, and honesty breeds trust. It takes a lot of mutual trust to survive being mono.