The more sexually vulgar I could be the better. I loved to shock, be controversial and say things to put people off me. I had an almost obsessive need to have sex with any man I could find. I just wanted to have sex with someone who had not had to force me, hold me down, make me cry and cause me pain. I wanted to be in charge for a change.
I've been there. I still am there sometimes. I control people by how and when I disclose things. I like to shock, to shake up their happy little pictures of who I am. I don't make things up, though. I don't have to. I really have dated five people at once/ I really am a witch. I really am bisexual. My manipulations involve who I disclose what to, and at which moment I do so.
I've come to realise lately how important 'control' is to me, mainly because my life has been taken out of my hands so much lately. Maybe that is why D/s relationships interest me.
Haydn's wish to "put people off me" rings true too. It's a defense mechanism, I believe. If you've been abused you don't really want people to touch you, either physically or emotionally, and most definitely you don't want to risk being hurt by their touch. So we develop ways of making ourselves revolting to others, either through looks or mannerisms, by what we say or what we do, by making ourselves seem eccentric or plain old crazy. Been there and still doing that.
If you recignuse the kind of person Haydn speaks about, ask them some day if they have been abused in the past. We can't be other than we are, but I will tell you that if you try, if you look past the front and make contact with the interior person, you will find a friend--or maybe even a partner--so loyal and loving that you may never get rid of them.
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