I often mention that I am polyamorous. Someone just asked me what that means, so I decided to say here.
This is what polyamoury is for me, there are lots of other versions though.
It means I have learnt by experience that I can be utterly devoted to and in love with not just one person at a time, but several. I am also willing to put in the considerable effort needed to keep more than one partner a time happy and content and in love with me in return, and to give them opportunities to do the same for me.
It also means I am honest with people -- sometimes painfully so -- and expect them to be brave and truthful and willing to try new things. For me, 'good' polyamoury requires that everyone you are having a relationship with knows about everyone else you are having a relationship with. Sometimes they love the people you love too, and that's when it really gets great.
It's not 'cheating' the way I do it, because everyone knows what's happening and has agreed to be involved. Everyone is faithful to the 'tribe of hearts' and supports everyone as best they can, both practically and emotionally.
Having said all that, I am semi-single at the moment and always willing to consider having new people come into my life in a romantic and sexual context.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Monday, March 02, 2015
What We Call Ourselves and Others
A very interesting day today, doing training on Trans* with the LGF (soon to be the LGBTF).
We started with a briefing on the official modes of address** now to be used within the organisation. The point was made that we shouldn't assume anyone's gender, and it was discussed how to handle telephone calls especially, where voice may suggest gender, but can't be taken as at all conclusive. That we should ask which pronoun** someone wants to use was made clear.
Would you understand that question if asked, though? I'd personally prefer to ask you what title you use - Ms, Miss, Mrs or Mr? Would I be getting the right info though? Do these options cover all bases?
The guidance given to LGBTF staff is to either use a person's [self-selected] name, or 'they'.
(A good quick guide to alternative pronouns can be found here).
Another clear message was never to refer to "The Op", as there are a range of operations trans persons may go through, and not all trans persons "go for the op". Some trans people either don't want to or cannot, due to various health or social issues. Other rude, invasive, irrelevant or prurient questions were also outlined as No-Nos.
We discussed what 'Trans*-inclusivity' means to the organisation. Intersex was mentioned and a reasonable explanation given as to why the organisation has opted to include intersex people within the term 'Trans*'.
All non-binary people are now going to be welcome into any of the LG(BT)F's gendered groups, though there will necessarily be some exceptions, mostly depending on the specific focus of some groups.
It was made very clear as the training progressed that we will endeavour not to promise Trans-inclusion for groups, events or services if we can't deliver them, because to do so is one of the quickest ways to upset and alienate Trans* users. If we can't provide a Trans* aspect somewhere we need just to say so.
My personal feeling is that should be true of the 'B' in LGBT, too.
The Medical and Social aspects of transitioning were explained. The medical process is fairly straight forward, but the culture shock involved in transitioning can be enormous; for example, it was explained how trans women are often horrified to discover they are less heard and less valued in their new gender identity. Likewise, many trans men find it hard to deal with expectations of self-confidence and assertiveness, often having been bullied in the past.
It was also mentioned how capacity for providing treatment is not sufficient to deal with current and future demand. This is set to become a huge challenge, as already waiting lists are frequently twice as long as the target time of 8 months.
The legalities of transitioning and of being Trans* were outlined. One of the earliest required steps to transitioning is changing your name, and apparently twelve documents evidencing your name change are required before you can proceed further along the route to obtaining a Gender Recognition Certificate (if indeed you want one). Especially noteworthy is the fact that you DO NOT have to tell an employer about having changed identity or having lived under another name in the past, though there could be complications associated with providing references. The online system for obtaining a DBS check already accomodates those who have, or are in the process of, transitioning.
There was loads more too, but I think this gives a good flavour of what we were taught today. The presenters were excellent and were able to speak directly from personal experience. The training was intensive and left me, personally, with lots to contemplate.
We started with a briefing on the official modes of address** now to be used within the organisation. The point was made that we shouldn't assume anyone's gender, and it was discussed how to handle telephone calls especially, where voice may suggest gender, but can't be taken as at all conclusive. That we should ask which pronoun** someone wants to use was made clear.
Would you understand that question if asked, though? I'd personally prefer to ask you what title you use - Ms, Miss, Mrs or Mr? Would I be getting the right info though? Do these options cover all bases?
The guidance given to LGBTF staff is to either use a person's [self-selected] name, or 'they'.
(A good quick guide to alternative pronouns can be found here).
Another clear message was never to refer to "The Op", as there are a range of operations trans persons may go through, and not all trans persons "go for the op". Some trans people either don't want to or cannot, due to various health or social issues. Other rude, invasive, irrelevant or prurient questions were also outlined as No-Nos.
We discussed what 'Trans*-inclusivity' means to the organisation. Intersex was mentioned and a reasonable explanation given as to why the organisation has opted to include intersex people within the term 'Trans*'.
All non-binary people are now going to be welcome into any of the LG(BT)F's gendered groups, though there will necessarily be some exceptions, mostly depending on the specific focus of some groups.
It was made very clear as the training progressed that we will endeavour not to promise Trans-inclusion for groups, events or services if we can't deliver them, because to do so is one of the quickest ways to upset and alienate Trans* users. If we can't provide a Trans* aspect somewhere we need just to say so.
My personal feeling is that should be true of the 'B' in LGBT, too.
The Medical and Social aspects of transitioning were explained. The medical process is fairly straight forward, but the culture shock involved in transitioning can be enormous; for example, it was explained how trans women are often horrified to discover they are less heard and less valued in their new gender identity. Likewise, many trans men find it hard to deal with expectations of self-confidence and assertiveness, often having been bullied in the past.
It was also mentioned how capacity for providing treatment is not sufficient to deal with current and future demand. This is set to become a huge challenge, as already waiting lists are frequently twice as long as the target time of 8 months.
The legalities of transitioning and of being Trans* were outlined. One of the earliest required steps to transitioning is changing your name, and apparently twelve documents evidencing your name change are required before you can proceed further along the route to obtaining a Gender Recognition Certificate (if indeed you want one). Especially noteworthy is the fact that you DO NOT have to tell an employer about having changed identity or having lived under another name in the past, though there could be complications associated with providing references. The online system for obtaining a DBS check already accomodates those who have, or are in the process of, transitioning.
There was loads more too, but I think this gives a good flavour of what we were taught today. The presenters were excellent and were able to speak directly from personal experience. The training was intensive and left me, personally, with lots to contemplate.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Working within my Community
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Regular readers will be aware that I am Bisexual. I've started volunteering at Manchester's Lesbian and Gay Federation. I am loving it.
I have never been as involved in 'gay life' and 'the scene' before and it is quite a novelty to me as a result. There's so much going on, too!
First weekend in March there is 'Sugar and Spice', a celebration of International Women's Day. I plan to be there, with bells on (possibly quite literally).
Earlier this week I attended 'Stepping Stones' and learnt a lot as part of Gay History Month.
Bisexual history can be found here.
I also gave thought this week to who amongst the lesbian and female bisexual icons might have inspired me. It took me a while to come up with some names, but here's my list:
- Josephine Baker, a fabulous dancer from our earlier history
- Frida Kahlo, a talented Mexican artist whose works I am fascinated by, who was married to Diego Rivera, but numbered Josephine Baker amongst her female lovers
- Jodie Foster, a very talented actress
- Alice Walker, author of 'The Color Purple'
- Sarah Waters, author of 'Tipping the Velvet', 'Fingersmith' and a number of other fabulous period novels
- Jessie Blackwood, author of 'Per Ardua', 'Life Begins at Forty' and more; also my Best Friend!
- Margarethe Cammermeyer, the highest ranking US military official to come out while in the service and campaigner for gay rights in the military
- Angeline Jolie, actress and celebrity and very beautiful woman
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Catfish
Watching 'Catfish' and pondering. . .
I've been very lucky with my online relationships and the people I managed to fall in love with after knowing them online first. They have all, so far, proved to be at least 85% who and what they said they were. We had our own rules about online behaviours versus real life behaviours and in general stuck to those rules and got it all to work. I'm not still with any of these people, but I have met all but one of them in the flesh and we eventually parted friends.
It startled me at first, then, to learn that some people make up completely fake facebook identities and then have romantic and sexual lives with others via the internet, with 'real' people.
I'm not talking about people who lie about their marital status when online (I tend to assume a man is married if he is trying to talk with me sexually... sad and judgemental of me, I know, but based on experience).
I need to make it clear at this point that I am not talking about people who are transgendered or transitioning either, because using a a name that's the gender you feel you are isn't what I am talking about here. Nor am I talking about roleplaying characters online, because in that situation both parties KNOW that they are players acting out roles.
What I am talking about is people making up fake profiles . . . Let's say for example 'Lily' the budding pop star and Beauty Pageant competitior, . . . and then interacting online with people as this fake identity whilst never fessing up that Lily doesn't actually exist and is 'just words on a page'. . . Meanwhile, the person(s) they are talking to may have fallen in love with / proposed cohabitation to / asked to marry 'Lily'
As a roleplayer and BDSMer, I do kind of get it, but I also know the difference between 'IC' (In Character) and 'OOC' (out-of-character) and I try to keep those borders well patrolled.
My exception is the names (pseudonyms and nomme de plumes) I am known by online, but people generally know where the names fit in and why they are in use. The names are also false because I don't believe in giving my real personal details to faceless megacorps whose data security has already, several times, been proven to be too weak and not fit for purpose. That issue alone is enough to justify using 'pen names' online, for me! ;. . . Also, despite my relatively high vigilance when online, someone (non-malicious, thankfully) managed to discover my real name and location by back-tracking through my online presence after just a couple of days of chatting to me. I was able to close that particular loophole, mercifully (the heads up was much appreciated 'Tallulah', big hugs to you!), but took it for the 'warning from the Universe' I believe it was.
If you are 'playing' anyone right now, please stop. Many truly lonely and distraught people are more honest online than they feel they can be in their real lives (which is a whole 'nother issue) and by playing them you are embedding very real harm in their (already very hard) very real lives. It may not have started for you as anything more than 'a bit of fun', but leading someone on in the way described is a malicious act even though it's just an amusement for you.
I've been very lucky with my online relationships and the people I managed to fall in love with after knowing them online first. They have all, so far, proved to be at least 85% who and what they said they were. We had our own rules about online behaviours versus real life behaviours and in general stuck to those rules and got it all to work. I'm not still with any of these people, but I have met all but one of them in the flesh and we eventually parted friends.
It startled me at first, then, to learn that some people make up completely fake facebook identities and then have romantic and sexual lives with others via the internet, with 'real' people.
I'm not talking about people who lie about their marital status when online (I tend to assume a man is married if he is trying to talk with me sexually... sad and judgemental of me, I know, but based on experience).
I need to make it clear at this point that I am not talking about people who are transgendered or transitioning either, because using a a name that's the gender you feel you are isn't what I am talking about here. Nor am I talking about roleplaying characters online, because in that situation both parties KNOW that they are players acting out roles.
What I am talking about is people making up fake profiles . . . Let's say for example 'Lily' the budding pop star and Beauty Pageant competitior, . . . and then interacting online with people as this fake identity whilst never fessing up that Lily doesn't actually exist and is 'just words on a page'. . . Meanwhile, the person(s) they are talking to may have fallen in love with / proposed cohabitation to / asked to marry 'Lily'
As a roleplayer and BDSMer, I do kind of get it, but I also know the difference between 'IC' (In Character) and 'OOC' (out-of-character) and I try to keep those borders well patrolled.
My exception is the names (pseudonyms and nomme de plumes) I am known by online, but people generally know where the names fit in and why they are in use. The names are also false because I don't believe in giving my real personal details to faceless megacorps whose data security has already, several times, been proven to be too weak and not fit for purpose. That issue alone is enough to justify using 'pen names' online, for me! ;. . . Also, despite my relatively high vigilance when online, someone (non-malicious, thankfully) managed to discover my real name and location by back-tracking through my online presence after just a couple of days of chatting to me. I was able to close that particular loophole, mercifully (the heads up was much appreciated 'Tallulah', big hugs to you!), but took it for the 'warning from the Universe' I believe it was.
If you are 'playing' anyone right now, please stop. Many truly lonely and distraught people are more honest online than they feel they can be in their real lives (which is a whole 'nother issue) and by playing them you are embedding very real harm in their (already very hard) very real lives. It may not have started for you as anything more than 'a bit of fun', but leading someone on in the way described is a malicious act even though it's just an amusement for you.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Very Sad Announcement
It is with enormous sadness that I come to report the death of my partner, AB. He will be sorely missed. He was a generous, kind, attentive and tender man. Blessed Be, dear one xxx
Monday, April 22, 2013
I am currently reading a marvellous fan fiction by Kryptaria and BootsnBlossoms, over on AO3, called In Name Only.
I wanted to make comment here about this particular fic, as I know how the Comments one leaves on stories can get lost. The premise of the story is a bit too complex for me to try and explain here (go read it) (and the Meta from BootsnBlossoms), but it involves an exploration of the Dominant/submissive dynamic and I feel it is a topic important enough for me to address further, here.
Here's what I wrote in the Comments to this marvellous fiction:
Posted Mon 22 Apr 2013 05:42PM EDT
I whole-heartedly support the right for non-heterosexual people and people who wish to partake of BDSM to determine and police their own course of actions. I utterly oppose the tendency of certain cohorts of Vanilla people to judge us and find us 'terrible'. It's as bigoted and backward as considering other people 'terrible' for having non-white (pink) skin.
I also whole-heartedly support the civil authorities in opposing human trafficking and paedophilia, which involve the NON-CONSENSUAL subjugation of others.
Too, I oppose the forces in this world that non-consensually make soldiers and rape victims out of children, even where those forces are the civil authorities.
Herein endeth the Rant.
I wanted to make comment here about this particular fic, as I know how the Comments one leaves on stories can get lost. The premise of the story is a bit too complex for me to try and explain here (go read it) (and the Meta from BootsnBlossoms), but it involves an exploration of the Dominant/submissive dynamic and I feel it is a topic important enough for me to address further, here.
Here's what I wrote in the Comments to this marvellous fiction:
Krekta on Chapter 7
Posted Mon 22 Apr 2013 05:01PM EDTI could slap Bond (even if he killed me before my hand ever met his stupid face), he's ruining a very beautiful submissive with no care at all. He's stupid and ignorant and selfish and self-absorbed and it's as close to unforgiveable as it can be whilst allowing that half those things are why he is good at his job.
I feel the need to comment on my comment, having read the Meta from BootsnBlossoms. It's not a failure in your writing, BootsnBlossoms, that I am so angry at Bond. Quite the opposite actually. You see, whilst you have been in Bond's place, I have been in Q's.I have the utmost respect for your work with abused people, because I have been there too. Imagine the conflict of being a victim of abuse (which Q isn't), but also being someone who welcomes (craves) a (consensual) Dominant/submissive relationship; that's where I have spent my life.Q has struggled through, to find not only acceptance but to become a valued member of the Marketplace, and in comes Bond crushing him, killing all his hard-won self-confidence and self-worth, and putting him back almost to square one. Back to reviling himself for his honest feelings and emotional and sexual needs.Bond is doing what he thinks is in Q's best interests. He is trying to 'save him from himself', believing him a victim. It's how the majority of Vanilla people think when they hear about BDSM of any sort. I'm not confusing the fantasy of story and the reality of life here when I say "We don't need none of your goddamn rescuing!". I;m speaking up for myself and my peers, who as _consenting adults_.I could go on and on, but I'll not. Your writing is brilliant, that's why it is stirring such strong emotions in me. Seeing Q so filled with doubt that he starts seeing his life as a delusional fantasy land is ripping my heart out for him, though. Please give this an ending that _both_ participants would consider Happy, even if some readers may never understand that's what it is.*Moved to tears*
Posted Mon 22 Apr 2013 05:23PM EDT
I'm here again!shaded_sun said:"I've changed my perspective, since I read Boots' meta thoughts on Bond. (I should have really read it before reading this chapter. ) I can see that it's very difficult for Bond to change the point of view of a lifetime - human trafficking, abuse, all the terrible aspects. I guess I have been somewhat blinded by my fanfic (generally BDSM-friendly) rose-tinted glasses. If you've seen what Bond has most likely seen in his line of work, I can definitely understand how it'd take more than a few days to think outside of that mindset and even longer to *believe* that those people chained, kneeling, at the Bistro and the restaurant and the shibari demonstration, that they are not the same as the trafficked slaves he's more familiar with. Thanks for the thinky-meta post, Boots! :)"I wanted to make it clear that in no way whatsoever do I intend to minimise the horribleness of human trafficking or child abuse. Nor do I want to deny the character of Bond his experiences and outlook.Trafficking and paedophilia are illegal, immoral and wholly unacceptable behaviours.Being Dominant or submissive (or Sswitchy) are states of mind (and spirit) which are as worthy of defense as are being homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, heterosexual or etc. and should not be considered illegal, immoral or unacceptable.
Posted Mon 22 Apr 2013 05:42PM EDT
I whole-heartedly support the right for non-heterosexual people and people who wish to partake of BDSM to determine and police their own course of actions. I utterly oppose the tendency of certain cohorts of Vanilla people to judge us and find us 'terrible'. It's as bigoted and backward as considering other people 'terrible' for having non-white (pink) skin.
I also whole-heartedly support the civil authorities in opposing human trafficking and paedophilia, which involve the NON-CONSENSUAL subjugation of others.
Too, I oppose the forces in this world that non-consensually make soldiers and rape victims out of children, even where those forces are the civil authorities.
Herein endeth the Rant.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Why John Isn't Gay
Thanks go today to TSylvestris for writing a story with purpose, in the form of the short fanfic 'Why John Isn't Gay', and writing it so well.
The author TSylvestris is right; realising that love isn't neatly sortable by gender - not your own nor that of your soulmate(s) - is a tough journey, and can be a lengthy and challenging one. Personally I concluded most recently that I am simply 'humano-sexual'. I love people for their souls, not for the flesh-clothing they are wearing or for how they accessorise or label that flesh. It's taken over half a lifetime to work it out, though. I guess the next bit is learning to love myself for the soul I have, too, regardless of my own flesh-clothing, labels and accessories...
I'd like to sign-post people to the ''You Will Rise Project' as well as to the Trevor Project and to It Gets Better. I don't want to just support young people who are struggling to come to terms with the idea that sexuality isn't a binary thing. Older people run into the same sorts of issues when suddenly they realise they are not who they thought they were and that love just got more complex than they ever expected. I'm proud (in all senses of the word) to say that my own city is trying to address this, through the LGF. I want to also urge people who happen to be feeling the age barrier in their journey to their authentic selves to stick with the trip, too.
It's also worth thinking about the idea that sometimes the journey matters, too, not just the destination. My own evolution has been lengthy and complex and not always nice to have to live through. Living through it means you get to feel the elation of coming out the other side, though. You also get to be with the people your life is truly about meeting, including your 'authentic self*'.
And there is an end to every tunnel, even if it's night outside of it and so you can't see the light at the end right now; just please give yourself the chance to keep on walking down the tracks 'til you get there, cos if you give up while you are still in the dark you will be leaving the person who is waiting for you at the end of the tunnel alone, to always wonder where you went and why you never met up with them.
*My interpretation of 'authentic self' is 'the core being (person) you were before other people's values and agendas messed with your head; the person we are all travelling back towards being'.
This entry is dedicated to 'Silver', to 'Daniel' and to Jessie, with gratitude and eternal love and hope.
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P.S. I'd like also to recommend the story 'Seems so Easy for Everyone Else', by etothepii, where similar but different issues are addressed. The recommendation for this story is dedicated to MistressHeather, Scrimshaw and Luvbnd.
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Monday, July 09, 2012
'Adult' content in fan fiction and other genres
I understand that one of the sites I have, in the past, published on, recently made the decision to start removing some of the 'MA' rated fiction from their site. I vehemently disagree with this action.
I also don't understand why the site in question has allowed authors, recently, to class their writing as 'MA' and publish it as such when they claim they haven't accepted MA stories since 2002.
Other sites recently started removing NC-17 material as well, including some mainstream publishers of e-books. One such move was prompted by the demands of certain banks, inflicted upon PayPal and thence onto their service users.
"Fiction M can contain adult language, themes and suggestions. Detailed descriptions of physical interaction of sexual or violent nature is considered Fiction MA."
http://www.fictionratings.com/
I also don't understand why the site in question has allowed authors, recently, to class their writing as 'MA' and publish it as such when they claim they haven't accepted MA stories since 2002.
Other sites recently started removing NC-17 material as well, including some mainstream publishers of e-books. One such move was prompted by the demands of certain banks, inflicted upon PayPal and thence onto their service users.
NC-17 is a rating used for some films in America:
"No one under the age of 17 is permitted in a theater to watch a film with this rating. The MPAA gives a film an NC-17 rating based on "violence, sex, aberrational behavior, drug abuse or any other element that most parents would consider too strong and therefore off-limits for viewing by their children.
http://movies.about.com/od/miscellanous/f/film-ratings.htm
(In the UK the rating equivalent to NC-17 would be an '18' (over 18s only). There is no drect equivalent of 'MA', since it is 15+ OR under 15 if accompanied by an adult, so it falls somewhere between our '12' rating and out '15' rating).
I cannot state vehemently enough how opposed I am to the suppression or censorship of creative works by corporate, financial, religious, political and governmental bodies. If humans do it, we should be able to write, paint, draw or perform works about it.
As a sexual abuse survivor I have a vested interest in this situation, because what happened to me, in real life, involved "violence, sex [and] aberrational behavior" . If I cannot express my experiences and my views on such issues, whether that be in fiction or factual writing or artwork, then the door is left open for those who would seek to inflict the same behavior on new victims. Abuse happens behind closed doors. The victims of abuse are told not to tell. We MUST tell in order to stop the abuse!
As a pansexual / bisexual / humanosexual / Queer I need to be able to speak of myself and my tribe(s). I need to be able to express my views, describe my practices and expose the lies people tell about who I am and what I get up to. I need to be able to tell the stories of my tribe(s), so that our history may be preserved and those who need to find and join us may do so.
As a pagan I need to be able to discuss my faith, my belief, my hopes, fears, concepts and understanding of this life. Some members of my faith feel that the practices of the faith should not be disclosed to the uninitiated; having lived past lives that ended in torture and fire I understand their concerns, but wonder what impression the stance gives to outsiders in the present time.
As an artist, and as a sufferer of mental ill-health, I need to speak of my personal vision, my insights, experiments, nightmares and explorations. I cannot allow all that accumulates in my head to go unexpressed, because it would, quite literally, kill me to remain silent.
Silence allows those who would eradicate our tribe(s)--or disenfranchise or gag the members thereof--the opportunity to promote wildly inaccurate fantasies about what we may or may not get up to behind our own 'closed doors'. Silence can cause those moderates who might otherwise support us to wonder and to doubt, and thus our causes are weakened,
I am fortunate enough to be able to say, without serious fear of death, or imprisonment (though not violence, even here in the 'enlightened' West), that I will not allow my voice and the voices of others to be censored or silenced whilst any means of self-expression remains open to me. I support wholeheartedly those who live in regimes where such freedom is unobtainable and will work to gain them the same freedoms, where it is in my abilities to do so.
*****
If you believe that it is your RIGHT to be able to publish overtly sexual content (NC-17(+)) so long as it has a warning on it, PLEASE copy and post this on your own blog.
If it is your intent to fight corporate, financial, religious, political and governmental attempts to censor and suppress the creative works of yourself and others please copy and paste
*****
Despite their stance on NC-17 literature, the site I refer to above has a very good, user friendly system in operation. I can quickly find my own works and those of others which I have especially enjoyed. It will notify me when favourite stories are added to and it will tell me when my favourite authors have published something new (provided of course the works sought are not NC-17 and have not been removed). I have yet to find a site which offers as much easily accessed interactivity. I will not, therefore, remove my existing works from the site, but in future I will be publishing on sites which do not censor their content to exclude NC-17 works, even though I rarely write such works myself.
You will find my newer work, presently, on my own (writer's) blog, on the Redemption Reef blog and 'coming soon' at Archive Of Our Own (AO3) and A Teaspoon and an Open Mind
I hope that in time those publishers and other institutions who currently feel they need to bow to the demands of those who support censorship of the Arts will 'grow a pair' and say 'NO'. I praise those who already actively resist censorship of the Arts and I remember those Artists, Writers and Performers who in the past had their work removed from galleries, theatres or presses, whose perseverance has proven that resistance is never futile! Blessed Be!
.This post was originally made to my writing blog, Mistress Moreish.
Sunday, April 01, 2012
Revelations and Revolutions
I am currently reading one of Jack Rinella's books, 'Philosophy in the Dungeon: The Magic of Sex and Spirit'.
I have been an admirer of Jack Rinella's writing for a long time now. Jack is mainly known for his involvement in the BDSM ad Leather lifestyles. He's lived with his slave, Patrick, 24/7 for a long time now. He speaks at conventions and other cultural events and his style is very much 'no frills, tell it how it is'. It was a small surprise to me, then, to learn that Jack is also travelling a path to enlightment and has written about it so well and so elegantly in this marvellous volume. I should have known of course, because Jack has always been a rabid pursuer of the truth and the meaning behind things.
Sex magic is a much whispered about but rarely elaborated-upon aspect of Magic. In this book Jack Rinella has brought light to the topic. He's also brought his humility (a rare thing amongst authors who write about Magic), his experiences, his life, his trials and tribulations and his joys and transformations.
Whilst the word 'Philosophy' in the title might make it sound daunting and dry-dusty, this book is far from that. There is warmth, there is humour, their is strength and pride and there is a very real desire to share learning.
I highly recommend this book not only to the Leather, BDSM and LGBTQ communities, but also to the Pagan, Wiccan and Witch communities as well as to the rest of humanity. On the other hand, if you are easily shocked, prudish, afraid of sex, close-minded, bigoted or stupid this is probably not the book for you, though, because it might dangerously alter your understanding of the world and of sex and love, including the love of the Divine and our reasons for being in this life.
I have been an admirer of Jack Rinella's writing for a long time now. Jack is mainly known for his involvement in the BDSM ad Leather lifestyles. He's lived with his slave, Patrick, 24/7 for a long time now. He speaks at conventions and other cultural events and his style is very much 'no frills, tell it how it is'. It was a small surprise to me, then, to learn that Jack is also travelling a path to enlightment and has written about it so well and so elegantly in this marvellous volume. I should have known of course, because Jack has always been a rabid pursuer of the truth and the meaning behind things.
Sex magic is a much whispered about but rarely elaborated-upon aspect of Magic. In this book Jack Rinella has brought light to the topic. He's also brought his humility (a rare thing amongst authors who write about Magic), his experiences, his life, his trials and tribulations and his joys and transformations.
Whilst the word 'Philosophy' in the title might make it sound daunting and dry-dusty, this book is far from that. There is warmth, there is humour, their is strength and pride and there is a very real desire to share learning.
I highly recommend this book not only to the Leather, BDSM and LGBTQ communities, but also to the Pagan, Wiccan and Witch communities as well as to the rest of humanity. On the other hand, if you are easily shocked, prudish, afraid of sex, close-minded, bigoted or stupid this is probably not the book for you, though, because it might dangerously alter your understanding of the world and of sex and love, including the love of the Divine and our reasons for being in this life.
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Riding the range on my hobby-horse
I read a lot, as those who follow my blog will know. Lately I've been reading cowboy stories. Now, I admit, cowboys don't completely flip my switches, unlike cops and bodyguards, but I've been seriously enjoying the works of J.R.Loveless, Zahra Owens and R.J.Scott. It's been frustrating too, though, to read about men who, to maintain the 'macho het' mask they feel socially obliged to wear, sleep with women as well as men but who never even contemplate whether this might mean they are bisexual rather than gay.
I suppose in the end I am going to have to write the book myself that tackles this subject properly. I am sick, though, to see that even good 'Gay Romantica' authors are just as blind to the possibility of bisexuality as many people who identify as gay in 'real' life seem to be.
I am on my hobby-horse, yes. I do resent bisexuality being seen as either a convenient smoke screen for 'what's really going on' or as a stepping stone to accepting 'the truth' that you are actually gay, in fiction as well as in 'real' life.
I will continue riding the range aboard my cute little pinto hobby-horse, because I am NOT confused, in denial, hiding from the 'truth' of my gay-ness, sitting on the fence or exploiting the supposed social 'acceptance' being bisexual gives!
Writers, please wake up and accept that if you find your character telling you they can love a woman as well as they love a man, or vice versa, they very probably are telling you they are bisexual rather than being a 'conflicted' gay.
I suppose in the end I am going to have to write the book myself that tackles this subject properly. I am sick, though, to see that even good 'Gay Romantica' authors are just as blind to the possibility of bisexuality as many people who identify as gay in 'real' life seem to be.
I am on my hobby-horse, yes. I do resent bisexuality being seen as either a convenient smoke screen for 'what's really going on' or as a stepping stone to accepting 'the truth' that you are actually gay, in fiction as well as in 'real' life.
I will continue riding the range aboard my cute little pinto hobby-horse, because I am NOT confused, in denial, hiding from the 'truth' of my gay-ness, sitting on the fence or exploiting the supposed social 'acceptance' being bisexual gives!
Writers, please wake up and accept that if you find your character telling you they can love a woman as well as they love a man, or vice versa, they very probably are telling you they are bisexual rather than being a 'conflicted' gay.
Riding the range on my hobby-horse
I read a lot, as those who follow my blog will know. Lately I've been reading cowboy stories. Now, I admit, cowboys don't completely flip my switches, unlike cops and bodyguards, but I've been seriously enjoying the works of J.R.Loveless, Zahra Owens and R.J.Scott. It's been frustrating too, though, to read about men who, to maintain the 'macho het' mask they feel socially obliged to wear, sleep with women as well as men but who never even contemplate whether this might mean they are bisexual rather than gay.
I suppose in the end I am going to have to write the book myself that tackles this subject properly. I am sick, though, to see that even good 'Gay Romantica' authors are just as blind to the possibility of bisexuality as many people who identify as gay in 'real' life seem to be.
I am on my hobby-horse, yes. I do resent bisexuality being seen as either a convenient smoke screen for 'what's really going on' or as a stepping stone to accepting 'the truth' that you are actually gay, in fiction as well as in 'real' life.
I will continue riding the range aboard my cute little pinto hobby-horse, because I am NOT confused, in denial, hiding from the 'truth' of my gay-ness, sitting on the fence or exploiting the supposed social 'acceptance' being bisexual gives! (It is actually less socially acceptable and more socially awkward to be bisexual than to be gay, because you frequently find yourself rejected by both 'camps' rather than just the one)!
Writers, please wake up and accept that if you find your character telling you they can love a woman as well as they love a man, or vice versa, they very probably are telling you they are bisexual rather than being a 'conflicted' gay.
I suppose in the end I am going to have to write the book myself that tackles this subject properly. I am sick, though, to see that even good 'Gay Romantica' authors are just as blind to the possibility of bisexuality as many people who identify as gay in 'real' life seem to be.
I am on my hobby-horse, yes. I do resent bisexuality being seen as either a convenient smoke screen for 'what's really going on' or as a stepping stone to accepting 'the truth' that you are actually gay, in fiction as well as in 'real' life.
I will continue riding the range aboard my cute little pinto hobby-horse, because I am NOT confused, in denial, hiding from the 'truth' of my gay-ness, sitting on the fence or exploiting the supposed social 'acceptance' being bisexual gives! (It is actually less socially acceptable and more socially awkward to be bisexual than to be gay, because you frequently find yourself rejected by both 'camps' rather than just the one)!
Writers, please wake up and accept that if you find your character telling you they can love a woman as well as they love a man, or vice versa, they very probably are telling you they are bisexual rather than being a 'conflicted' gay.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Bit of a Rant
I posted this on my Facebook today and decided I felt it was important enough to blog it here too.
A friend posted this link:
It's My Story: Getting Bi
Having listened to this quite interesting, though short, radio documentary I felt I wanted to respond. This is the resultant little rant I placed on Facebook:
"You know, for the record... Bisexuality is no more of a choice than being gay is. I am bisexual; I am not a lesbian who is in denial. I will have a physical relationship with anyone, regardless of gender, PROVIDED I LOVE THEM and they are up for it. Nor am greedy (despite being polyamorous). I am just aware that a) what twiddly bits someone happens to possess has no bearing on whether I can like or love them, and b) I have learnt by experience that loving someone 'with all of your heart' can be done to more than one person at a time. To quote the documentary, "some people ARE Bisexual, so get over it!" Some people are also poly, so get over that one too."
Thanks for listening :-)
.
.
A friend posted this link:
It's My Story: Getting Bi
Having listened to this quite interesting, though short, radio documentary I felt I wanted to respond. This is the resultant little rant I placed on Facebook:
"You know, for the record... Bisexuality is no more of a choice than being gay is. I am bisexual; I am not a lesbian who is in denial. I will have a physical relationship with anyone, regardless of gender, PROVIDED I LOVE THEM and they are up for it. Nor am greedy (despite being polyamorous). I am just aware that a) what twiddly bits someone happens to possess has no bearing on whether I can like or love them, and b) I have learnt by experience that loving someone 'with all of your heart' can be done to more than one person at a time. To quote the documentary, "some people ARE Bisexual, so get over it!" Some people are also poly, so get over that one too."
Thanks for listening :-)
.
.
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
HIV - Know your status
Everyone should know their HIV status, and have it updated regularly. As a polyamorous person I am very conscious of how important it is to monitor your sexual health. You have a responsibility to all your partners, but also to yourself. HIV positive is not a death sentence, unless you stay ignorant of your status. The sooner someone is diagnosed the better their chances of survival are. It's my feeling that we all should get tested regularly, even if we believe we are in a monogamous relationship.
I'd actually like to promote testing for all STIs, not just HIV. Chlamydia is a massive problem here in the UK, particularly amongst teens and twenty-somethings. The consequences of contracting an STD such as hepatitis or herpes can be horrendous, changing your life forever. Please, look after those you love, look after your 'friends with benefits', look after your one-night-stands. Above all, look after yourself.
Sexual health is a two-way street. No good knowing your own status unless you are sure about your partner(s)too. Being asked to take a test isn't a sign of a lack of faith or trust. Asking someone else to get tested is saying you care and want them to stay well.
This post is made in support of the 'Know Your HIV Status' campaign.
I'd actually like to promote testing for all STIs, not just HIV. Chlamydia is a massive problem here in the UK, particularly amongst teens and twenty-somethings. The consequences of contracting an STD such as hepatitis or herpes can be horrendous, changing your life forever. Please, look after those you love, look after your 'friends with benefits', look after your one-night-stands. Above all, look after yourself.
Sexual health is a two-way street. No good knowing your own status unless you are sure about your partner(s)too. Being asked to take a test isn't a sign of a lack of faith or trust. Asking someone else to get tested is saying you care and want them to stay well.
This post is made in support of the 'Know Your HIV Status' campaign.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Stepping Stones - Coming Out
I attended my first 'Stepping Stones' meeting this week. This is a 'women only' discussion group which meets at the LGF in Manchester. (There are equivalent meetings and groups for men). The topic under discussion was 'Coming Out'. These are the notes I made about the topic, based on the observations and experiences related by those in attendance:
Coming out is an ongoing thing... You are always coming out.
Learning this was both a relief and a terror for me. A relief, because I am now reassured that I am, apparently, 'doing it right'; a terror because I was thinking that you come out and then it's done and you can get on with your life. Not so, though.
I hadn't thought about it, but every time you start a new job, make a new friend or join a new social circle you face the debate of whether to come out to these relative strangers.
It's important to choose carefully who you come out to and when. Consider the 'why' too.
Speaking personally, I have some issues with the concept of 'Coming Out'. Heterosexual people don't feel obliged to announce their orientation to all and sunder. It's not ever their opening gambit to say "Oh, by the way, you know I am straight, right?". Some attendees expressed similar feelings. I was prompted to ponder whether we might someday have no need to announce ourselves? I truly hope we are headed for that day.
There may be people you don't need to come out to.
For example, one person explained that she is out to her work colleagues, but doesn't feel the need to be out to her clients. Someone did disclose that they had experienced difficulties when they came out at work; there was a debate amongst managers as to whether she could be allowed to continue working in the area she was in once she disclosed her orientation. I feel it's important to note that this attendee still felt that coming out at work was the right thing for her to do and that in the long run it was beneficial in her particular circumstances.
Collect your allies
Be aware of who you can enlist to help you or back you up when you come out. Maybe you have a relative who is gay and out, so you can slip in comments such as "I'm so like Aunt Alice you know..." Or have your sibling or friend, or someone else influential with the person(s) you are about to come out to at hand when you broach the subject.
You have to realise that your partner, if you have one, may not be able to be out.
They might lose not only their relatives but also their whole social and cultural network if they come out. Ostracisation is a very horrible thing to be faced with. This leads me to the question, though, of how you respond to the fact of one of you being out and the other not? Is it a viable situation in the long term? Will 'guilt by association' out your closeted partner eventually anyway, and if it does how will you respond to that as a couple?
There are lots of ways to come out
You can go for the formal bit of sitting your audience down and discussing everything with them. Alternatively you might get a friend who knows drunk and let them tell all your other friends. Or maybe you could wait until your kids out you - it's inevitable that they will. If you like taking risks you could just bring your partner home with you or take them to a family gathering, or disclose to your colleagues that the mysterious 'Ryan' or 'Kevin' you've been talking about, your supposed partner, is actually this person, and her real name is Jenny.
Signs of 'being gay'
You are probably giving yourself away in a variety of subtle ways anyway; the people you are considering telling may have worked it pout for themselves already.
Your close relatives or friends might even be hinting that they know, or fishing to see how you respond to things like "She's pretty, isn't she?".
Too, a few people did mention that they seem somehow to be wearing a neon signs above their heads declaring them to be gay. Other gay people, even strangers, approach them with 'a nod and a wink', indicating they are recognised to be part of the tribe. I've experienced this myself, not as being part of the 'gay tribe', but as being part of the 'witchy tribe'. Numerous pagans have 'given me the nod', spoken about our faith unprompted or invited me to participate in tribal events without me saying anything about my being a witch. This has prompted me to wonder whether those who approach us in this way could somehow be reading our proclivities in our auras? An interesting thought!
Lots of gay people used to be in a heterosexual marriage
Lots of people also use this fact to question whether you are gay once you come out to them. People get married for all sorts of reasons: peer pressure, family pressure, a desire to have children, the thought that maybe they can 'get over' their feelings for others of the same sex... the list is probably endless.
When divorce happens the reasons given for break down of the marriage include: "irreconsilable differences", and even "associating with unsuitable parties".
Gay parents--like many parents in general--may feel isolated.
In Manchester and its environs at least, there is an informal network that can be accessed, where families can join up to enjoy social activities like visiting a theme park in a group or kicking a ball around in the park together.
There's more protection in schools for gays nowadays.
This was, as an educator, a perception that surprised me, knowing how many teen suicides still occur as a result of orientation-related bullying. What people seemed to be saying, though, was that things are much easier for youngsters now than they were when they were teens.
One of the attendees revealed that a ten year old had recently come out to her son at school. Another attendee spoke about her child's friends expressing that: "Your Mum's great". Personally, I also wondered what reactions people get when they attend 'parents evening' with their same-gender partners.
Being out to your neighbours
It seems that if you are out in your local community you suddenly become 'representative' of the whole tribe; how you are perceived reflects on the rest of us. No-one mentioned that you may also be stereotyped until people around you learn better, but I'm guessing this is also true. A couple of people did mention that they had experienced straight people keeping their kids away from them...
So you're out now...What next?
Mix! Get out and about. You can't meet someone if you are not going to the right places. Find out where people gather and get in there. The 'scene' can be daunting, so maybe joining one of the many smaller social groups that are sponsored by the LGF (or similar organisations in your area) will be a good first step if you are shy or nervous. (The Manchester 'hotspots' for meeting gay women are 'Vanilla' and 'Coyotes', apparently. I believe Taurus is popular with the bisexual community, but that one needs confirming as yet).
The general theme of the meeting seemed to be:
"Work out what you want and pursue it".
Coming out is different for everyone
Sometimes it's easier than you expected. Sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes you do lose people from your life when you come out. Other people will surprise you with their positive and supportive responses. If you already have allies and friends it's easier then to bear those times when someone does reject you because you came out to them. There is a 'tribe' and it probably pays to get to know them by joining the groups you feel are appropriate to your circumstances. The tribe is less scary than you might think and far more willing to embrace and support you than you might be imagining.
Queer or Gay?
The majority of the women present at the meeting identified as being 'gay'. The term was used in preference to the word 'lesbian', which seemed to be a disapproved of term, rather un-PC. It was mentioned that a friend of one of the attendees had expressed that they were 'omni' or 'queer', because these terms were more inclusive of various orientations. I was disappointed to realise, though, that the term 'Omni' was not really familiar or properly understood by some who were present.Following my experience of attending the Stepping Stones meeting I realise that my choice to identify as 'Omnisexual' is right, and I can also claim the term 'Queer' when describing myself to others in the various tribes that fall under this over-arching umbrella term.
Stepping Stones on Facebook
The following is the description the group gives of themselves on Facebook:
I did find the group very welcoming. If you are nervous or shy you can arrange to meet a representative in advance of the meeting to help you settle in, as I did. The meeting space used was very informal and extremely comfortable. Tea and coffee was available and the kitchen area was very clean and tidy. There was a good range of ages present, though I was quietly made aware that there is another similar group for older women too... The majority of the discussion was carried by a small subgroup of attendees, but it was very easy to contribute if you chose to. Lots of people simply listened, you don't have to speak if you prefer not to. I am really glad I decided to take a step onto my first Stepping Stone and I look forward to meeting people there again soon.
.
.
Coming out is an ongoing thing... You are always coming out.
Learning this was both a relief and a terror for me. A relief, because I am now reassured that I am, apparently, 'doing it right'; a terror because I was thinking that you come out and then it's done and you can get on with your life. Not so, though.
I hadn't thought about it, but every time you start a new job, make a new friend or join a new social circle you face the debate of whether to come out to these relative strangers.
It's important to choose carefully who you come out to and when. Consider the 'why' too.
Speaking personally, I have some issues with the concept of 'Coming Out'. Heterosexual people don't feel obliged to announce their orientation to all and sunder. It's not ever their opening gambit to say "Oh, by the way, you know I am straight, right?". Some attendees expressed similar feelings. I was prompted to ponder whether we might someday have no need to announce ourselves? I truly hope we are headed for that day.
There may be people you don't need to come out to.
For example, one person explained that she is out to her work colleagues, but doesn't feel the need to be out to her clients. Someone did disclose that they had experienced difficulties when they came out at work; there was a debate amongst managers as to whether she could be allowed to continue working in the area she was in once she disclosed her orientation. I feel it's important to note that this attendee still felt that coming out at work was the right thing for her to do and that in the long run it was beneficial in her particular circumstances.
Collect your allies
Be aware of who you can enlist to help you or back you up when you come out. Maybe you have a relative who is gay and out, so you can slip in comments such as "I'm so like Aunt Alice you know..." Or have your sibling or friend, or someone else influential with the person(s) you are about to come out to at hand when you broach the subject.
You have to realise that your partner, if you have one, may not be able to be out.
They might lose not only their relatives but also their whole social and cultural network if they come out. Ostracisation is a very horrible thing to be faced with. This leads me to the question, though, of how you respond to the fact of one of you being out and the other not? Is it a viable situation in the long term? Will 'guilt by association' out your closeted partner eventually anyway, and if it does how will you respond to that as a couple?
There are lots of ways to come out
You can go for the formal bit of sitting your audience down and discussing everything with them. Alternatively you might get a friend who knows drunk and let them tell all your other friends. Or maybe you could wait until your kids out you - it's inevitable that they will. If you like taking risks you could just bring your partner home with you or take them to a family gathering, or disclose to your colleagues that the mysterious 'Ryan' or 'Kevin' you've been talking about, your supposed partner, is actually this person, and her real name is Jenny.
Signs of 'being gay'
You are probably giving yourself away in a variety of subtle ways anyway; the people you are considering telling may have worked it pout for themselves already.
Your close relatives or friends might even be hinting that they know, or fishing to see how you respond to things like "She's pretty, isn't she?".
Too, a few people did mention that they seem somehow to be wearing a neon signs above their heads declaring them to be gay. Other gay people, even strangers, approach them with 'a nod and a wink', indicating they are recognised to be part of the tribe. I've experienced this myself, not as being part of the 'gay tribe', but as being part of the 'witchy tribe'. Numerous pagans have 'given me the nod', spoken about our faith unprompted or invited me to participate in tribal events without me saying anything about my being a witch. This has prompted me to wonder whether those who approach us in this way could somehow be reading our proclivities in our auras? An interesting thought!
Lots of gay people used to be in a heterosexual marriage
Lots of people also use this fact to question whether you are gay once you come out to them. People get married for all sorts of reasons: peer pressure, family pressure, a desire to have children, the thought that maybe they can 'get over' their feelings for others of the same sex... the list is probably endless.
When divorce happens the reasons given for break down of the marriage include: "irreconsilable differences", and even "associating with unsuitable parties".
Gay parents--like many parents in general--may feel isolated.
In Manchester and its environs at least, there is an informal network that can be accessed, where families can join up to enjoy social activities like visiting a theme park in a group or kicking a ball around in the park together.
There's more protection in schools for gays nowadays.
This was, as an educator, a perception that surprised me, knowing how many teen suicides still occur as a result of orientation-related bullying. What people seemed to be saying, though, was that things are much easier for youngsters now than they were when they were teens.
One of the attendees revealed that a ten year old had recently come out to her son at school. Another attendee spoke about her child's friends expressing that: "Your Mum's great". Personally, I also wondered what reactions people get when they attend 'parents evening' with their same-gender partners.
Being out to your neighbours
It seems that if you are out in your local community you suddenly become 'representative' of the whole tribe; how you are perceived reflects on the rest of us. No-one mentioned that you may also be stereotyped until people around you learn better, but I'm guessing this is also true. A couple of people did mention that they had experienced straight people keeping their kids away from them...
So you're out now...What next?
Mix! Get out and about. You can't meet someone if you are not going to the right places. Find out where people gather and get in there. The 'scene' can be daunting, so maybe joining one of the many smaller social groups that are sponsored by the LGF (or similar organisations in your area) will be a good first step if you are shy or nervous. (The Manchester 'hotspots' for meeting gay women are 'Vanilla' and 'Coyotes', apparently. I believe Taurus is popular with the bisexual community, but that one needs confirming as yet).
The general theme of the meeting seemed to be:
"Work out what you want and pursue it".
Coming out is different for everyone
Sometimes it's easier than you expected. Sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes you do lose people from your life when you come out. Other people will surprise you with their positive and supportive responses. If you already have allies and friends it's easier then to bear those times when someone does reject you because you came out to them. There is a 'tribe' and it probably pays to get to know them by joining the groups you feel are appropriate to your circumstances. The tribe is less scary than you might think and far more willing to embrace and support you than you might be imagining.
Queer or Gay?
The majority of the women present at the meeting identified as being 'gay'. The term was used in preference to the word 'lesbian', which seemed to be a disapproved of term, rather un-PC. It was mentioned that a friend of one of the attendees had expressed that they were 'omni' or 'queer', because these terms were more inclusive of various orientations. I was disappointed to realise, though, that the term 'Omni' was not really familiar or properly understood by some who were present.Following my experience of attending the Stepping Stones meeting I realise that my choice to identify as 'Omnisexual' is right, and I can also claim the term 'Queer' when describing myself to others in the various tribes that fall under this over-arching umbrella term.
Stepping Stones on Facebook
The following is the description the group gives of themselves on Facebook:
"Stepping Stones is an informal peer support group for women who identify as lesbian, bisexual or who are exploring their sexuality.
"The group provides a safe and welcoming space for women who are new to the area, ‘coming out', have just come out of a relationship.
"The group chooses and organises discussions around such things as sexual health, homophobia and coming out and also invites guest speakers, which have previously included legal issues and health and well being.
"The group is for women aged from 18 years old, with no upper age limit..."
I did find the group very welcoming. If you are nervous or shy you can arrange to meet a representative in advance of the meeting to help you settle in, as I did. The meeting space used was very informal and extremely comfortable. Tea and coffee was available and the kitchen area was very clean and tidy. There was a good range of ages present, though I was quietly made aware that there is another similar group for older women too... The majority of the discussion was carried by a small subgroup of attendees, but it was very easy to contribute if you chose to. Lots of people simply listened, you don't have to speak if you prefer not to. I am really glad I decided to take a step onto my first Stepping Stone and I look forward to meeting people there again soon.
.
.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
What not to ask a gay guy (or a bisexual person)
Thanks to Davey Wavey for this wonderful video. What he says goes for what not to ask a Bisexual Babe Woman like me too...
Not really! I love answering dumb questions from even dumber questioners, especially when I am using MIRC. Ask away peeps, but remember I have a most evil sense of humour. You have been warned.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
More stuff Haydn has said
Haydn, in the same post I blogged about earlier, says:
I've been there. I still am there sometimes. I control people by how and when I disclose things. I like to shock, to shake up their happy little pictures of who I am. I don't make things up, though. I don't have to. I really have dated five people at once/ I really am a witch. I really am bisexual. My manipulations involve who I disclose what to, and at which moment I do so.
I've come to realise lately how important 'control' is to me, mainly because my life has been taken out of my hands so much lately. Maybe that is why D/s relationships interest me.
Haydn's wish to "put people off me" rings true too. It's a defense mechanism, I believe. If you've been abused you don't really want people to touch you, either physically or emotionally, and most definitely you don't want to risk being hurt by their touch. So we develop ways of making ourselves revolting to others, either through looks or mannerisms, by what we say or what we do, by making ourselves seem eccentric or plain old crazy. Been there and still doing that.
If you recignuse the kind of person Haydn speaks about, ask them some day if they have been abused in the past. We can't be other than we are, but I will tell you that if you try, if you look past the front and make contact with the interior person, you will find a friend--or maybe even a partner--so loyal and loving that you may never get rid of them.
The more sexually vulgar I could be the better. I loved to shock, be controversial and say things to put people off me. I had an almost obsessive need to have sex with any man I could find. I just wanted to have sex with someone who had not had to force me, hold me down, make me cry and cause me pain. I wanted to be in charge for a change.
I've been there. I still am there sometimes. I control people by how and when I disclose things. I like to shock, to shake up their happy little pictures of who I am. I don't make things up, though. I don't have to. I really have dated five people at once/ I really am a witch. I really am bisexual. My manipulations involve who I disclose what to, and at which moment I do so.
I've come to realise lately how important 'control' is to me, mainly because my life has been taken out of my hands so much lately. Maybe that is why D/s relationships interest me.
Haydn's wish to "put people off me" rings true too. It's a defense mechanism, I believe. If you've been abused you don't really want people to touch you, either physically or emotionally, and most definitely you don't want to risk being hurt by their touch. So we develop ways of making ourselves revolting to others, either through looks or mannerisms, by what we say or what we do, by making ourselves seem eccentric or plain old crazy. Been there and still doing that.
If you recignuse the kind of person Haydn speaks about, ask them some day if they have been abused in the past. We can't be other than we are, but I will tell you that if you try, if you look past the front and make contact with the interior person, you will find a friend--or maybe even a partner--so loyal and loving that you may never get rid of them.
Cabbages and Kings
A friend has been running some blog entries past me by a guy called Hadyn. Hadyn was abused as a child, as I was. He gives a very personal account of his life and his feelings.
In this episode, 'Sexually Abused to Death', Haydn talks about the ghost of the child he was before the abuse began. I recognise this concept in myself. Effectively I stopped growing my persona at the age I started being abused. Someone else came along to fill what should have been her shoes. The low self-confidence and bitterly low self-esteem I experience when I enter what I term 'a downslide' belong to who she became, not who she was meant to become.
Person Centred Counselling (which I have accessed a number of times) attempts to help us be who we were meant to be, stripped of the rubbish other people (significant people like parents, teachers and abusers) have caused us to pick up since we were born - our 'authentic self'. I am reminded of a kids show I used to watch (Crackerjack) when I think of this...they had a game every show where the kids won a prize every time they got a question right and a cabbage every time they got one wrong. They got to keep answering questions for as long as they could hold the pile of prizes and cabbages. The art of being our 'authentic selves' is learning keep the prizes and lose the cabbages. PCC is an attempt at a 'reset'.
I'm not my authentic self, in PCC terms. I may never get to be that person. You see, you can discard the cabbages, but their smell hangs around.
So yes, I too am haunted by the child I was before the abuse. I catch tiny glimpses of her. Occasionally she comes along and stamps her feet and acts up, too. As a little girl it's all she knows how to do, or has the strength to do, when faced with injustice and cruelty and wrongness. She's dead but she doesn't know it, and she won't lie down like a good little corpse.
Haydn says:
I disagree. I believe abusers know exactly how great an impact they are making. I believe that's a part of what gets them off. It is that which makes the act of abuse so unforgiveable as far as I am concerned.
It's interesting that my friend directed me to this particular part of Haydn's blog today, because there was an episode of 'Doctors' on this afternoon which posited that it was 'so sad' that a one-time abuser was rejected by his wife when the truth came out. The character committed assault on a girl of 12 when he was 20. His wife gets pregnant when he is 45 and he explains to her why her proposing to keep the baby is distressing him so much. When she turns away from him he commits suicide. Good riddance, imho. The writer clearly wanted us to empathise with the man, who had 'paid his dues' by going to prison for what he did. Only problem is, in the real world, his victim would never get to exhume her child-self from the grave his act of perversion put her into. So if your bleeding heart feels abuse and assault is can be absolved by a period of jail time and /or chemical castration, shove it up your a*s*!
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In this episode, 'Sexually Abused to Death', Haydn talks about the ghost of the child he was before the abuse began. I recognise this concept in myself. Effectively I stopped growing my persona at the age I started being abused. Someone else came along to fill what should have been her shoes. The low self-confidence and bitterly low self-esteem I experience when I enter what I term 'a downslide' belong to who she became, not who she was meant to become.
Person Centred Counselling (which I have accessed a number of times) attempts to help us be who we were meant to be, stripped of the rubbish other people (significant people like parents, teachers and abusers) have caused us to pick up since we were born - our 'authentic self'. I am reminded of a kids show I used to watch (Crackerjack) when I think of this...they had a game every show where the kids won a prize every time they got a question right and a cabbage every time they got one wrong. They got to keep answering questions for as long as they could hold the pile of prizes and cabbages. The art of being our 'authentic selves' is learning keep the prizes and lose the cabbages. PCC is an attempt at a 'reset'.
I'm not my authentic self, in PCC terms. I may never get to be that person. You see, you can discard the cabbages, but their smell hangs around.
So yes, I too am haunted by the child I was before the abuse. I catch tiny glimpses of her. Occasionally she comes along and stamps her feet and acts up, too. As a little girl it's all she knows how to do, or has the strength to do, when faced with injustice and cruelty and wrongness. She's dead but she doesn't know it, and she won't lie down like a good little corpse.
Haydn says:
I am sure abusers and those who have never been abused fail to realise that the abuse lives with the abused for the rest of their life.
For an abuser it is an act of pulling up his pants and leaving the room but for the abused it is a lot more than that. An abuser thinks with his very little head whereas the abused has to think with the head on his or her shoulders.
I disagree. I believe abusers know exactly how great an impact they are making. I believe that's a part of what gets them off. It is that which makes the act of abuse so unforgiveable as far as I am concerned.
It's interesting that my friend directed me to this particular part of Haydn's blog today, because there was an episode of 'Doctors' on this afternoon which posited that it was 'so sad' that a one-time abuser was rejected by his wife when the truth came out. The character committed assault on a girl of 12 when he was 20. His wife gets pregnant when he is 45 and he explains to her why her proposing to keep the baby is distressing him so much. When she turns away from him he commits suicide. Good riddance, imho. The writer clearly wanted us to empathise with the man, who had 'paid his dues' by going to prison for what he did. Only problem is, in the real world, his victim would never get to exhume her child-self from the grave his act of perversion put her into. So if your bleeding heart feels abuse and assault is can be absolved by a period of jail time and /or chemical castration, shove it up your a*s*!
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