Being Both Muslim and Gay -- Fabulous Training and Further Reading (1)

A training session I attended yesterday, provided by the LGBT Foundation, was utterly amazing, with the only flaws being, in my opinion, a) that we didn't manage to fit in the whole of the planned agenda in the time allowed and b) there wasn't enough of a range of LGBT* Muslim thought presented.

To have a gay Muslim speak of their very difficult history with their community was invaluable. To see that man also have so much pride and belief in Islam and understand that he was striving to be 'a GOOD Muslim' was truly inspirational. I found it invaluable to hear his views on what that, on a very personal level, entails. I feel both honoured and better-educated as a result of witnessing this man's courage and faith.

I learnt a heck of a lot about Islam yesterday. I was also shown that the religion is not the community, and vice versa, which was utterly revalational for me. I learnt that 'bad' Muslims are as commonplace as 'bad' Christians and 'bad' Pagans and that the same can be said for 'Good' people too. I also learnt how much more vulnerable non-heterosexuals are within Muslim communities. They are in a position very similar to that experienced by homosexual men whilst being homosexual was still illegal in Britain - open to abuse and blackmail, and subject to ostracism and becoming hoimeless, shamed and disgraced if 'outed' or if they decide to 'come out'.

How I interact with Mulsim people, both straight and otherwise, cannot help but be changed by the training received yesterday, for the better. Understanding others is apparently one of the prime reasons for our existence, according to Islam, and that principle was certainly at play yesterday.

In the wake of this fabulous training I went to a book store to browse, and (especially as a Pagan) find it suspiciously 'coincidental that I came across a book on exactly the topic I had just received some basic training in. As a result, I am currently reading 'Homosexuality in Islam' by Scott Siraj al-Haqq Kugle. I recommend this text to anyone who was inspired to learn more following the training.

Now though, the thunder of hobby-horse hooves and the battle-cries of a Strong Womyn about to partake in a Rant are heard . . .

My great sadness about this book is that I see the author as ignoring 'dispositional bisexuality' because Scott feels it could weaken the arguments for the acceptance of gay, lesbian and Trans* people amongst Muslims.

I wish I had known yesterday to ask the speakers how they feel about 'dispositional bisexuality' in relation to Islam. I had not heard that term applied to 'my sort' until today, though, through my reading.

When I see the word 'Bisexual' I automatically think 'Dispositional Bisexual' and I see now why some lesbian and gay people see Bisexuals as a 'threat to our cause', because (apparently) they see 'Behavioural Bisexual' - 'Non-gay' people who have same-sex encounters 'because it's on offer' and straight sex is not so easy to access at the time.

It hurts me to have to accept that the author of 'Homosexuality in Islam' feels addressing Bisexuality is outside their remit. They say that to do so could weaken their arguments for acceptance because Dispositional Bisexuality is (apparently) not referred to in the Qur'an, only the lewdness of the Tribe of Lot, which they purport included Behavioural Bisexuals. It reads as if the author is in denial of the existence / veracity of the Dispositional Bisexual. Worsse yet, the female Bisexual (Dispositional or Behavioural) isn't even mentioned in passing.

I understand that the author has tried to present the best case possible for tolerance of gay, lesbian and Trans* people in Muslim communities. I am also now aware how invisible my Bisexual Muslim peers must feel.

Just in case anyone has any doubts, people who have sex with both/all genders BECAUSE IT IS WHO AND HOW WE ARE, not some life choice we have made EXIST.

I find great sadness in the fact that some homosexual and Trans* people, who have gained some ground in the battle to prove they are acting on their nature, not against Nature (or God) rather than being homosexual by choice, cannot see that Bisexuality is not necessarily a 'Choice' either. I am a Dispositional Bisexual and this has been my rant for the week.

Working within my Community

Regular readers will be aware that I am Bisexual. I've started volunteering at Manchester's Lesbian and Gay Federation. I am loving it.

I have never been as involved in 'gay life' and 'the scene' before and it is quite a novelty to me as a result. There's so much going on, too!


First weekend in March there is 'Sugar and Spice', a celebration of International Women's Day. I plan to be there, with bells on (possibly quite literally).


Earlier this week I attended 'Stepping Stones' and learnt a lot as part of Gay History Month.
Bisexual history can be found here.



I also gave thought this week to who amongst the lesbian and female bisexual icons might have inspired me. It took me a while to come up with some names, but here's my list:

• Josephine Baker, a fabulous dancer from our earlier history
• Frida Kahlo, a talented Mexican artist whose works I am fascinated by, who was married to Diego Rivera, but numbered Josephine Baker amongst her female lovers
• Jodie Foster, a very talented actress
• Alice Walker, author of 'The Color Purple'
• Sarah Waters, author of 'Tipping the Velvet', 'Fingersmith' and a number of other fabulous period novels
• Jessie Blackwood, author of 'Per Ardua', 'Life Begins at Forty' and more; also my Best Friend!
• Margarethe Cammermeyer, the highest ranking US military official to come out while in the service and campaigner for gay rights in the military
• Angeline Jolie, actress and celebrity and very beautiful woman

Bit of a Rant

I posted this on my Facebook today and decided I felt it was important enough to blog it here too.

A friend posted this link:

It's My Story: Getting Bi

Having listened to this quite interesting, though short, radio documentary I felt I wanted to respond. This is the resultant little rant I placed on Facebook:

"You know, for the record... Bisexuality is no more of a choice than being gay is. I am bisexual; I am not a lesbian who is in denial. I will have a physical relationship with anyone, regardless of gender, PROVIDED I LOVE THEM and they are up for it. Nor am greedy (despite being polyamorous). I am just aware that a) what twiddly bits someone happens to possess has no bearing on whether I can like or love them, and b) I have learnt by experience that loving someone 'with all of your heart' can be done to more than one person at a time. To quote the documentary, "some people ARE Bisexual, so get over it!" Some people are also poly, so get over that one too."

Thanks for listening :-)
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Stepping Stones - Coming Out

I attended my first 'Stepping Stones' meeting this week. This is a 'women only' discussion group which meets at the LGF in Manchester. (There are equivalent meetings and groups for men). The topic under discussion was 'Coming Out'. These are the notes I made about the topic, based on the observations and experiences related by those in attendance:


Coming out is an ongoing thing... You are always coming out.
Learning this was both a relief and a terror for me. A relief, because I am now reassured that I am, apparently, 'doing it right'; a terror because I was thinking that you come out and then it's done and you can get on with your life. Not so, though.
I hadn't thought about it, but every time you start a new job, make a new friend or join a new social circle you face the debate of whether to come out to these relative strangers.


It's important to choose carefully who you come out to and when. Consider the 'why' too.
Speaking personally, I have some issues with the concept of 'Coming Out'. Heterosexual people don't feel obliged to announce their orientation to all and sunder. It's not ever their opening gambit to say "Oh, by the way, you know I am straight, right?". Some attendees expressed similar feelings. I was prompted to ponder whether we might someday have no need to announce ourselves? I truly hope we are headed for that day.


There may be people you don't need to come out to.
For example, one person explained that she is out to her work colleagues, but doesn't feel the need to be out to her clients. Someone did disclose that they had experienced difficulties when they came out at work; there was a debate amongst managers as to whether she could be allowed to continue working in the area she was in once she disclosed her orientation. I feel it's important to note that this attendee still felt that coming out at work was the right thing for her to do and that in the long run it was beneficial in her particular circumstances.


Collect your allies
Be aware of who you can enlist to help you or back you up when you come out. Maybe you have a relative who is gay and out, so you can slip in comments such as "I'm so like Aunt Alice you know..." Or have your sibling or friend, or someone else influential with the person(s) you are about to come out to at hand when you broach the subject.


You have to realise that your partner, if you have one, may not be able to be out.
They might lose not only their relatives but also their whole social and cultural network if they come out. Ostracisation is a very horrible thing to be faced with. This leads me to the question, though, of how you respond to the fact of one of you being out and the other not? Is it a viable situation in the long term? Will 'guilt by association' out your closeted partner eventually anyway, and if it does how will you respond to that as a couple?


There are lots of ways to come out
You can go for the formal bit of sitting your audience down and discussing everything with them. Alternatively you might get a friend who knows drunk and let them tell all your other friends. Or maybe you could wait until your kids out you - it's inevitable that they will. If you like taking risks you could just bring your partner home with you or take them to a family gathering, or disclose to your colleagues that the mysterious 'Ryan' or 'Kevin' you've been talking about, your supposed partner, is actually this person, and her real name is Jenny.


Signs of 'being gay'
You are probably giving yourself away in a variety of subtle ways anyway; the people you are considering telling may have worked it pout for themselves already.
Your close relatives or friends might even be hinting that they know, or fishing to see how you respond to things like "She's pretty, isn't she?".

Too, a few people did mention that they seem somehow to be wearing a neon signs above their heads declaring them to be gay. Other gay people, even strangers, approach them with 'a nod and a wink', indicating they are recognised to be part of the tribe. I've experienced this myself, not as being part of the 'gay tribe', but as being part of the 'witchy tribe'. Numerous pagans have 'given me the nod', spoken about our faith unprompted or invited me to participate in tribal events without me saying anything about my being a witch. This has prompted me to wonder whether those who approach us in this way could somehow be reading our proclivities in our auras? An interesting thought!


Lots of gay people used to be in a heterosexual marriage
Lots of people also use this fact to question whether you are gay once you come out to them. People get married for all sorts of reasons: peer pressure, family pressure, a desire to have children, the thought that maybe they can 'get over' their feelings for others of the same sex... the list is probably endless.

When divorce happens the reasons given for break down of the marriage include: "irreconsilable differences", and even "associating with unsuitable parties".


Gay parents--like many parents in general--may feel isolated.
In Manchester and its environs at least, there is an informal network that can be accessed, where families can join up to enjoy social activities like visiting a theme park in a group or kicking a ball around in the park together.


There's more protection in schools for gays nowadays.
This was, as an educator, a perception that surprised me, knowing how many teen suicides still occur as a result of orientation-related bullying. What people seemed to be saying, though, was that things are much easier for youngsters now than they were when they were teens.

One of the attendees revealed that a ten year old had recently come out to her son at school. Another attendee spoke about her child's friends expressing that: "Your Mum's great". Personally, I also wondered what reactions people get when they attend 'parents evening' with their same-gender partners.


Being out to your neighbours
It seems that if you are out in your local community you suddenly become 'representative' of the whole tribe; how you are perceived reflects on the rest of us. No-one mentioned that you may also be stereotyped until people around you learn better, but I'm guessing this is also true. A couple of people did mention that they had experienced straight people keeping their kids away from them...


So you're out now...What next?
Mix! Get out and about. You can't meet someone if you are not going to the right places. Find out where people gather and get in there. The 'scene' can be daunting, so maybe joining one of the many smaller social groups that are sponsored by the LGF (or similar organisations in your area) will be a good first step if you are shy or nervous. (The Manchester 'hotspots' for meeting gay women are 'Vanilla' and 'Coyotes', apparently. I believe Taurus is popular with the bisexual community, but that one needs confirming as yet).

The general theme of the meeting seemed to be:
"Work out what you want and pursue it".


Coming out is different for everyone
Sometimes it's easier than you expected. Sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes you do lose people from your life when you come out. Other people will surprise you with their positive and supportive responses. If you already have allies and friends it's easier then to bear those times when someone does reject you because you came out to them. There is a 'tribe' and it probably pays to get to know them by joining the groups you feel are appropriate to your circumstances. The tribe is less scary than you might think and far more willing to embrace and support you than you might be imagining.


Queer or Gay?
The majority of the women present at the meeting identified as being 'gay'. The term was used in preference to the word 'lesbian', which seemed to be a disapproved of term, rather un-PC. It was mentioned that a friend of one of the attendees had expressed that they were 'omni' or 'queer', because these terms were more inclusive of various orientations. I was disappointed to realise, though, that the term 'Omni' was not really familiar or properly understood by some who were present.Following my experience of attending the Stepping Stones meeting I realise that my choice to identify as 'Omnisexual' is right, and I can also claim the term 'Queer' when describing myself to others in the various tribes that fall under this over-arching umbrella term.


Stepping Stones on Facebook


The following is the description the group gives of themselves on Facebook:

"Stepping Stones is an informal peer support group for women who identify as lesbian, bisexual or who are exploring their sexuality.

"The group provides a safe and welcoming space for women who are new to the area, ‘coming out', have just come out of a relationship.

"The group chooses and organises discussions around such things as sexual health, homophobia and coming out and also invites guest speakers, which have previously included legal issues and health and well being.

"The group is for women aged from 18 years old, with no upper age limit..."

I did find the group very welcoming. If you are nervous or shy you can arrange to meet a representative in advance of the meeting to help you settle in, as I did. The meeting space used was very informal and extremely comfortable. Tea and coffee was available and the kitchen area was very clean and tidy. There was a good range of ages present, though I was quietly made aware that there is another similar group for older women too... The majority of the discussion was carried by a small subgroup of attendees, but it was very easy to contribute if you chose to. Lots of people simply listened, you don't have to speak if you prefer not to. I am really glad I decided to take a step onto my first Stepping Stone and I look forward to meeting people there again soon.
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How Do I Know I am Bisexual (or Humanosexual, Omnisexual, Pansexual or anything the hell else you want to call it) ?

This entry was sparked by a conversation I had with a fellow Romance Author. I commented how I realised I was Bisexual and not gay, and it made me think to share it with you, my reader(s), here.

My first (consensual) sex was with another woman. I was utterly in love with her (still am). I had never, previously to this, found a guy who I liked or loved enough to want to be sexual with him. I wondered, then, if I was a lesbian? I decided to wait a while before trying to answer that for myself.

A little time passed and I realised that actually, whilst I adored my woman and was completely happy to be monogamous with her, I also had interest in and fantasies about various men (mostly actors). I concluded I must, therefore, be bisexual rather than 'simply' gay. More time passed and I fell in love with a man, then another... then other people... One day I wake up and realise I have five 'significant others' of various sexual orientations and gender identities. That's when I learnt about polyamoury, from the inside.

I can and often do feel romantic towards/Love/fuck more than one person at a time, with the same intensity and 'gaga' blissfulness that other people love their one 'true' love. I count myself very lucky.

Contemplating the Wisdom of Others #2 - Am I a Tranny?

Okay, not PC... I'm an ignorant tart who isn't sure what PC term might best be applied to myself. Sorry about that.

It's a serious question, though, prompted by reading Leslie Feinberg's book, Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink and Blue.

Does the fact that I, on occasion, deliberately sport 'masculine' attire make me Trans? I wear the clothes...

1. to amuse myself and because I like how I look in them
2. to turn someone else on
3. to try and identify myself to and with others in the GBLT community
4. as a form of Cosplay, connecting with a fictional bisexual character I admire (Ianto Jones from Torchwood).

I used to have two cross-dressing partners. One was heterosexual, and may or may not have been 'bi-gendered', as Feinberg terms it. The other was Bi-sexual and gender ambivalent (he wanted to partially transition, to become a shemale). So I have been the partner of TransPersons too.

Labels, everything seems to be labels! I'm with Captain Jack Harkness (or Harkness-Jones, as he is in my own fanfiction Alternate Universe), we're too hung up on labels. But as humans we inevitably(?)use labels to socialise ourselves, and to separate ourselves from others socially too. We make judgements on which people we identify with and which people we, linguistically at least, vilify.

Leslie Feinberg comments on all of this in Trans Liberation, and I want to share some of the thoughts and ideas Leslie presents here (The following constitutes excerpts from a speech given by Leslie to the Ninth Annual Texas 'T' Party, which I understand is a convention for heterosexual cross-dressers and their partners):

"Misconceptions have been a barrier between our communities. In order to have any real dialogue, it means we must all listen carefully to each other... Many of us have been taught to identify ourselves by what we are not. But it's not a satisfying definition and almost always hurts the people we are defining away from. I believe we should strive for positive self-definition and also defend each other's self-identification as we do our own." (p22)

"We, as cross-dressers--gay, bisexual, lesbian and straight--and our partners, have a stake in challenging restrictive attitudes towards human behaviour and self-expression. And I believe that combating every form of prejudice against lesbian, gay and bisexual love has an importance for us here, as well." (p25)

"...cross-dressing has always been socially synonymous with gayness. I think this misconception is based on the fact that uni-gender lesbian and gay cross-dressers were socially visible and organized at a times when most bi-gender, heterosexual cross-dressers were isolated or members of 'underground' organizations." (p26)

"I understand the rage you must feel when someone claims that your identity is an expression of shame--that you are gay and won't admit it. And I have thought a lot lately about what it must feel like to have one person in the world who loves you. Who you yearn for sexually. And who you fear will spurn you and leave you if they mistakenly think that your sexuality has changed--that you must be gay." (p26)

I find this passage especially interesting. Feinberg is speaking to heterosexual cross-dressers, but the same understanding should likewise be extended to those of us who identify as bisexual, I feel. It is quite common for gays and lesbians to hold the same misconception about us, too.

"...you are revealing twin aspects of your gender expression...your sexuality has not changed." (P27)

Perhaps we bisexuals are revealing twin aspects of our sexual expression...our gender has not changed?

"We have all been wounded in the ways we negotiate sex and intimacy; we fear communicating our needs and desires. Greater freedom to conceive the limitless potential of human sexuality, without shame, is an important and necessary contribution to all of humanity." (p28)

Well yeah, I'd agree with that, except that 'gender' and 'sexuality' seem to have become interchangeable terms in this last passage, which they are NOT. My body is Female, my gender is under consideration, my sexual orientation is humano-sexual (pansexual), my emotional identity is humano-romantic ...and sometimes I cross-dress / cosplay...

Am I Trans? I am HUMAN. That's my biggest subset and I'm sticking with it. Though I don't mean to put barriers between myself and non-humans or hurt their feelings by defining myself away from them, okay? LOL.


Bibliography
Leslie Feinberg, (1998), Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink and Blue, Boston: Beacon Press.
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