What is Polyamoury?

I often mention that I am polyamorous. Someone just asked me what that means, so I decided to say here.

This is what polyamoury is for me, there are lots of other versions though.

It means I have learnt by experience that I can be utterly devoted to and in love with not just one person at a time, but several. I am also willing to put in the considerable effort needed to keep more than one partner a time happy and content and in love with me in return, and to give them opportunities to do the same for me.

It also means I am honest with people -- sometimes painfully so -- and expect them to be brave and truthful and willing to try new things. For me, 'good' polyamoury requires that everyone you are having a relationship with knows about everyone else you are having a relationship with. Sometimes they love the people you love too, and that's when it really gets great.

It's not 'cheating' the way I do it, because everyone knows what's happening and has agreed to be involved. Everyone is faithful to the 'tribe of hearts' and supports everyone as best they can, both practically and emotionally.

Having said all that, I am semi-single at the moment and always willing to consider having new people come into my life in a romantic and sexual context.

Why John Isn't Gay

Thanks go today to TSylvestris for writing a story with purpose, in the form of the short fanfic  'Why John Isn't Gay', and writing it so well.

The author TSylvestris is right; realising that love isn't neatly sortable by gender - not your own nor that of your soulmate(s) - is a tough journey, and can be a lengthy and challenging one. Personally I concluded most recently that I am simply 'humano-sexual'. I love people for their souls, not for the flesh-clothing they are wearing or for how they accessorise or label that flesh. It's taken over half a lifetime to work it out, though. I guess the next bit is learning to love myself for the soul I have, too, regardless of my own flesh-clothing, labels and accessories...

I'd like to sign-post people to the ''You Will Rise Project' as well as to the Trevor Project and to It Gets Better. I don't want to just support young people who are struggling to come to terms with the idea that sexuality isn't a binary thing. Older people run into the same sorts of issues when suddenly they realise they are not who they thought they were and that love just got more complex than they ever expected. I'm proud (in all senses of the word) to say that my own city is trying to address this, through the LGF. I want to also urge people who happen to be feeling the age barrier in their journey to their authentic selves to stick with the trip, too.

It's also worth thinking about the idea that sometimes the journey matters, too, not just the destination. My own evolution has been lengthy and complex and not always nice to have to live through. Living through it means you get to feel the elation of coming out the other side, though. You also get to be with the people your life is truly about meeting, including your 'authentic self*'.

And there is an end to every tunnel, even if it's night outside of it and so you can't see the light at the end right now; just please give yourself the chance to keep on walking down the tracks 'til you get there, cos if you give up while you are still in the dark you will be leaving the person who is waiting for you at the end of the tunnel alone, to always wonder where you went and why you never met up with them.



*My interpretation of 'authentic self' is 'the core being (person) you were before other people's values and agendas messed with your head; the person we are all travelling back towards being'.


This entry is dedicated to 'Silver', to 'Daniel' and to Jessie, with gratitude and eternal love and hope.
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P.S. I'd like also to recommend the story 'Seems so Easy for Everyone Else', by etothepii, where similar but different issues are addressed. The recommendation for this story is dedicated to MistressHeather, Scrimshaw and Luvbnd.
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How Do I Know I am Bisexual (or Humanosexual, Omnisexual, Pansexual or anything the hell else you want to call it) ?

This entry was sparked by a conversation I had with a fellow Romance Author. I commented how I realised I was Bisexual and not gay, and it made me think to share it with you, my reader(s), here.

My first (consensual) sex was with another woman. I was utterly in love with her (still am). I had never, previously to this, found a guy who I liked or loved enough to want to be sexual with him. I wondered, then, if I was a lesbian? I decided to wait a while before trying to answer that for myself.

A little time passed and I realised that actually, whilst I adored my woman and was completely happy to be monogamous with her, I also had interest in and fantasies about various men (mostly actors). I concluded I must, therefore, be bisexual rather than 'simply' gay. More time passed and I fell in love with a man, then another... then other people... One day I wake up and realise I have five 'significant others' of various sexual orientations and gender identities. That's when I learnt about polyamoury, from the inside.

I can and often do feel romantic towards/Love/fuck more than one person at a time, with the same intensity and 'gaga' blissfulness that other people love their one 'true' love. I count myself very lucky.

The Wisdom of Others - Loving and Supportive Relationships

Regular readers will know that recently I have bveen reading 'Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue', edited by Leslie Feinberg. Much of what Feinberg and his fellow writers in this volume have written speaks to me, so I am sharing here via a number of entries.

Cynthia Phillips has this to tell to us:

"She was so matter-of-fact telling me that I was not shocked or upset about it; I just accepted it as a part of someone I was in love with. I felt that Linda was such a fine person that anything she did could not be a bad thing. I always have looked inside a person and have not been concerned about appearance. So when I looked into Linda's (Jim's) soul I saw someone who had the qualities I desired in a person I planned on spending my life with." (p41)

Feinberg adds:

"Our significant others are not observers of 'our' oppression. They are not 'related' to our movement. All our significant others are partners in the life-changing experience of trans-consciousness and struggle." (p46)

For my own part, whilst I have not been blind to appearances, how someone looks is no longer the primary factor in deciding who I chose to sleep with and care about. It has never been a factor in who I 'choose' to love -- when I love I do so instinctively, without rationalising or being able to consciously select the objects of my affection.

I am eternally grateful for the support I have received from all of my allies -- my partners and friends, lovers and loved ones. Your willingness to let me be and to help me be the person I am is the greatest of treasures.
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Contemplating the Wisdom of Others #1

I've been reading up... I want to understand myself better, and think that reading what others have written about their experiences of being Bisexual and Polyamorous will help me with that process. I believe in the Internet and the World Wide Web's ability to improve communication and enhance our understanding of things, so I incline to share what my research reveals to me.

Something that comes across strongly in what I have read so far is the Bisexuals experience some difficulties from the Gay and Lesbian communities as well as the Heterosexuals. It's not something I have experienced myaelf, since I have never been a part of the Lesbian community and therefore cannot be perceived of as 'switching sides' or 'betraying' my 'true' identity.

Let's be straight, I AM PANSEXUAL, or bisexual, if you prefer that more familiar term. I'm not on my way to becoming a Lesbian. This isn't a journey, it's a destination reached.

I used to think, when I first romantic love and sexual attraction for another woman, that I perhaps was a Lesbian. It bothered me, though, because I didn't 'feel' like a Lesbian--however that was meant to feel? I liked men. My woman liked men too. We liked each other even more. That didn't gel with what I imagined Lesbians would feel. That's because I never was a Lesbian; neither was my woman, but it took time to realise what we each were.

This has been said of the Bisexual experience:

"Because our society is so polarized between homosexuals and heterosexuals, the bisexual closet has two doors...

The sexologist Kinsey has created a 0-6 scale in which people are rated as to their homo/heterosexuality. I think of myself as off the scale. To me, the Kinsey scale has as much relevance as if everyone were evaluated on a spectrum of whether they were more attracted to people with brown eyes or green/blue eyes. Gender is just not what I care about or really notice in a sexual partner (pp4-5).

"I can barely imagine what it's like to be a lesbian or a straight woman, to be attracted to women because they are female--and that is sexy--or to men because they are male."

Jane Litwoman

The assertion, (reportedly especially popular amongst homosexuals), that bisexuality , and by implication bisexuals, do not exist is patently faulty--I am stood here before you and I am neither heterosexual nor homosexual. Or am I both?

I actually define myself as humano-sexual or pansexual, but your word for me would probably be bisexual. I am an impossible thing according to some of you. I am a mythological being--a unicorn, a dragon, an angel.

In truth, sexuality isn't the standard I apply to myself. I LIKE sex. I fucking love to fuck! I am an eleven on a scale of one to ten when it comes to my desire for sexual activity. If I want sex I am not thinking about gender. I can foind sexual pleasure and fulfilment with a man, a woman or a piece of plastic (and most other materials).

I am humano-connective, or humano-romantic. I LOVE humans, the persons inside the bodies everyone else seems to be obsessed with. I am pan-romantic. I am beyond labelling.

"Sexuality is also based on clan and tribal customs, and sometimes that tribal opinion has changed as a result of generations of governmentally approved and financed missionary activity. (p37)

"I acknowledge my openness to express affection with someone I love. I will not prevent an honest friendship to manifest itself sexually, no matter what sex the person is. (p38)

Joe Rios

I am finding that several of the authors were near to my own present age at the point when they came out. Is there something to this, or do people my age simply understand and express themselves more easily than other age groups? It would be interesting to discover if hetero- and homosexuals blossom around the same age. Is it a 'Croning' thing, perhaps?

"...I am coming to expand my consciousness far beyond genital sex and straight romantic love and to feel the ways in which eroticism energises and empowers my life. I am now validating my bonding with women more, and as I love women more, I love men in a new and better way. I can love them as human beings rather than as superior beings from whom I am to derive my existence. (pp40-41)

"Although life would be easier if all women lived in a lesbian utopia and all men were villains, as a bisexual I perceive people as individuals rather than as ,e,bers of a group. I will not reject a good man just because he is a man, and I will not tolerate mistreatment from a woman just because she is a woman." (p42)

Laura Johnson

Bibliography

Hutchins, L. (Ed) and Kaahumanu, L. (Ed.), (1995), Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out, Alyson Publications Inc.
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