Pondering the Universe as I know it

I've been through three lots of Trans* Awareness Training now. The audiences for these were, respectively: professionals, volunteers and service users. I've learnt a lot, and I have started getting my head around the issues and the behaviours and language expected of me in each of those roles.

It's been a quite revelatory experience for me, mostly because a change of self-perception has occurred alongside all of this learning. It's going to be complex to try and explain here, mostly because I suspect people will say my experiences are new and related to the teaching I've been given. I do want to assert most strongly though that my recent 'Eureka's' have come along as part of a very long-term evolution of self and self-perception.


A few weeks ago I had a very male, quite challenging, persona appear as a part of my psyche.  He declared his name, told me he was gay and generally made a pest of himself. He's younger and much more assertive than I usually am and has made it clear he doesn't like our body because it doesn't match his perception of himself.

It's taken me a while to get used to this persona. He's quite a bit 'not me'. When I take a longer view of myself, though, he starts to make sense. . .


I have experienced male personas a lot in the past. Generally they come and go, but a couple have stuck around long-term and pop up when something relevant to them is going on. I have a few female personas that chip in from time to time too, on top of my 'residing' persona. I want to stress, at this point, that this is not a mental illness -- the personas are aspects of the whole person that I am and are completely aware of one another.

Historically, too, as I have said to my partners at times, some days the best way I can describe myself is "I've got a cock on today". By this, I mean that I am both experiencing a 'phantom cock' and am generally in a headspace that is not female or feminine in any way. My drives, tastes and moods are other than I usually experience as a woman.

So, not too surprised to meet this guy in my head, except he's quite rude to me!


Contemplating this latest development at the same time as learning new words and new definitions of the gender identities people manifest, I have now come to the conclusion that I am 'genderfluid', and have been for a very long time.

I'm also having to deal with my 'new*' persona's body dysphoria. It'\s nothing new to me not liking my own body -- I've struggled with my weight all my life -- but wanting to change it or feeling serious distaste for it has never been a place I've been at. It's quite perturbing suddenly realising that inside of me is a persona who has serious issues with our presentation, shape and gender, and he's not afraid of moaning about it!

I also have a feeling of 'obligation' to this persona, which is another new development. I feel that he needs to be taken into consideration as I live my life, unlike other personas who have expressed themselves previously.


My partner hasn't expressed too much surprise at all of this, which has astounded me, because I am struggling to get my head round it and thought she would too! To my great surprise, she's actually accepted the persona and told him to shut the f*ck up and stop being a bitch to me! I have a truly wonderful, amazing and talented partner!


So, to update my 'profile', I now consider myself a genderfluid, humanosexual ( / bisexual / pansexual), panromantic polyamorous person. I present as female most of the time, but some days I am not travelling through my life with a female's head, heart or sensibilities.

Too, I now have a better understanding of my anger management issues, my mood swings, my inclination to depression, my relationship with my body and the long-standing sense of not knowing who I am or what I am here for. Win!



*new  --  I don't think this persona is 'new', so much as he has chosen now to express himself very strongly.
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Working within my Community

Regular readers will be aware that I am Bisexual. I've started volunteering at Manchester's Lesbian and Gay Federation. I am loving it.

I have never been as involved in 'gay life' and 'the scene' before and it is quite a novelty to me as a result. There's so much going on, too!


First weekend in March there is 'Sugar and Spice', a celebration of International Women's Day. I plan to be there, with bells on (possibly quite literally).


Earlier this week I attended 'Stepping Stones' and learnt a lot as part of Gay History Month.
Bisexual history can be found here.



I also gave thought this week to who amongst the lesbian and female bisexual icons might have inspired me. It took me a while to come up with some names, but here's my list:

• Josephine Baker, a fabulous dancer from our earlier history
• Frida Kahlo, a talented Mexican artist whose works I am fascinated by, who was married to Diego Rivera, but numbered Josephine Baker amongst her female lovers
• Jodie Foster, a very talented actress
• Alice Walker, author of 'The Color Purple'
• Sarah Waters, author of 'Tipping the Velvet', 'Fingersmith' and a number of other fabulous period novels
• Jessie Blackwood, author of 'Per Ardua', 'Life Begins at Forty' and more; also my Best Friend!
• Margarethe Cammermeyer, the highest ranking US military official to come out while in the service and campaigner for gay rights in the military
• Angeline Jolie, actress and celebrity and very beautiful woman

Why John Isn't Gay

Thanks go today to TSylvestris for writing a story with purpose, in the form of the short fanfic  'Why John Isn't Gay', and writing it so well.

The author TSylvestris is right; realising that love isn't neatly sortable by gender - not your own nor that of your soulmate(s) - is a tough journey, and can be a lengthy and challenging one. Personally I concluded most recently that I am simply 'humano-sexual'. I love people for their souls, not for the flesh-clothing they are wearing or for how they accessorise or label that flesh. It's taken over half a lifetime to work it out, though. I guess the next bit is learning to love myself for the soul I have, too, regardless of my own flesh-clothing, labels and accessories...

I'd like to sign-post people to the ''You Will Rise Project' as well as to the Trevor Project and to It Gets Better. I don't want to just support young people who are struggling to come to terms with the idea that sexuality isn't a binary thing. Older people run into the same sorts of issues when suddenly they realise they are not who they thought they were and that love just got more complex than they ever expected. I'm proud (in all senses of the word) to say that my own city is trying to address this, through the LGF. I want to also urge people who happen to be feeling the age barrier in their journey to their authentic selves to stick with the trip, too.

It's also worth thinking about the idea that sometimes the journey matters, too, not just the destination. My own evolution has been lengthy and complex and not always nice to have to live through. Living through it means you get to feel the elation of coming out the other side, though. You also get to be with the people your life is truly about meeting, including your 'authentic self*'.

And there is an end to every tunnel, even if it's night outside of it and so you can't see the light at the end right now; just please give yourself the chance to keep on walking down the tracks 'til you get there, cos if you give up while you are still in the dark you will be leaving the person who is waiting for you at the end of the tunnel alone, to always wonder where you went and why you never met up with them.



*My interpretation of 'authentic self' is 'the core being (person) you were before other people's values and agendas messed with your head; the person we are all travelling back towards being'.


This entry is dedicated to 'Silver', to 'Daniel' and to Jessie, with gratitude and eternal love and hope.
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P.S. I'd like also to recommend the story 'Seems so Easy for Everyone Else', by etothepii, where similar but different issues are addressed. The recommendation for this story is dedicated to MistressHeather, Scrimshaw and Luvbnd.
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