Labels, labels everywhere...

I just learnt that some people born with female genitalia refer to themselves as 'Male to Male', "in recognition of the fact that they had not ever felt female in their lives" (Feinberg, 1998:43). I don't know why this came as a surprise to me, it makes sense in context.

Other words you might see used when looking into the concept of gender identity include: tomboy, butch, femme, female cross-dresser, male cross-dresser, transexual, transgender, male-to-male, female-to-male, male-to-female, transman, transwoman, drag queen, drag king, F2M, M2F, third sex, twin spirited, intersexual...

Words are very powerful--they can include or they can exclude, they can praise or they can condemn, they can comfort or crush. The words we choose to apply to ourselves and to others are the most important of all. Think of the language of 'personal ads'--each term paints a picture of who we are and what we want and expect of our lives and of those we opt to share them with.

My own self-definition has proven quite fluid. I have gone from 'wiccan' to 'pagan' to 'witch'. I have gone from 'bisexual' to 'pansexual' to 'humano-sexual/humano-romantic'. My gender identity is unresolved. I am content to live in a female body, but I know that is not the entire sum of my being. I fairly often express my 'inner gay male' as well as my 'inner bisexual female' and my 'inner gender-neutral pansexual'. I would presently consider myself to be 'pangendered'. I am not wrongly identified as female, I am just not completely accurately described by that term alone.

There are days when I very definitely see men with 'gay man's eyes' rather than with 'bisexual female's eyes'. It is fascinating to me to observe that my inner gay male appreciates a completely different set of men to those my female bisexual self. (He likes and craves muscle men; she finds muscular men vulgar and unappealing. He likes moderately hairy men; she likes men without body hair. He likes men who sport 'buzz cuts'; she likes long haired men). This 'split vision' has occurred with increasing frequency since I began writing M/M Romances. It's also interesting to me to note that my inner male is gay rather than bisexual or pansexual; when I lust after a woman it is my female aspect that is involved, never my male aspect.

Do our labels serve any real purpose? Only if you subscribe to the idea that a lover or a soulmate can be located by giving a proscriptive list of ideal qualities for the person you think you 'WLTM' and discarding all other applicants. Personally I am open to all sorts of relationships, I don't want to exclude someone from my radar who might just prove that addage of 'opposites attract', for example. 'Close fits' are definitely welcome to apply.

Contemplating the Wisdom of Others #1

I've been reading up... I want to understand myself better, and think that reading what others have written about their experiences of being Bisexual and Polyamorous will help me with that process. I believe in the Internet and the World Wide Web's ability to improve communication and enhance our understanding of things, so I incline to share what my research reveals to me.

Something that comes across strongly in what I have read so far is the Bisexuals experience some difficulties from the Gay and Lesbian communities as well as the Heterosexuals. It's not something I have experienced myaelf, since I have never been a part of the Lesbian community and therefore cannot be perceived of as 'switching sides' or 'betraying' my 'true' identity.

Let's be straight, I AM PANSEXUAL, or bisexual, if you prefer that more familiar term. I'm not on my way to becoming a Lesbian. This isn't a journey, it's a destination reached.

I used to think, when I first romantic love and sexual attraction for another woman, that I perhaps was a Lesbian. It bothered me, though, because I didn't 'feel' like a Lesbian--however that was meant to feel? I liked men. My woman liked men too. We liked each other even more. That didn't gel with what I imagined Lesbians would feel. That's because I never was a Lesbian; neither was my woman, but it took time to realise what we each were.

This has been said of the Bisexual experience:

"Because our society is so polarized between homosexuals and heterosexuals, the bisexual closet has two doors...

The sexologist Kinsey has created a 0-6 scale in which people are rated as to their homo/heterosexuality. I think of myself as off the scale. To me, the Kinsey scale has as much relevance as if everyone were evaluated on a spectrum of whether they were more attracted to people with brown eyes or green/blue eyes. Gender is just not what I care about or really notice in a sexual partner (pp4-5).

"I can barely imagine what it's like to be a lesbian or a straight woman, to be attracted to women because they are female--and that is sexy--or to men because they are male."

Jane Litwoman

The assertion, (reportedly especially popular amongst homosexuals), that bisexuality , and by implication bisexuals, do not exist is patently faulty--I am stood here before you and I am neither heterosexual nor homosexual. Or am I both?

I actually define myself as humano-sexual or pansexual, but your word for me would probably be bisexual. I am an impossible thing according to some of you. I am a mythological being--a unicorn, a dragon, an angel.

In truth, sexuality isn't the standard I apply to myself. I LIKE sex. I fucking love to fuck! I am an eleven on a scale of one to ten when it comes to my desire for sexual activity. If I want sex I am not thinking about gender. I can foind sexual pleasure and fulfilment with a man, a woman or a piece of plastic (and most other materials).

I am humano-connective, or humano-romantic. I LOVE humans, the persons inside the bodies everyone else seems to be obsessed with. I am pan-romantic. I am beyond labelling.

"Sexuality is also based on clan and tribal customs, and sometimes that tribal opinion has changed as a result of generations of governmentally approved and financed missionary activity. (p37)

"I acknowledge my openness to express affection with someone I love. I will not prevent an honest friendship to manifest itself sexually, no matter what sex the person is. (p38)

Joe Rios

I am finding that several of the authors were near to my own present age at the point when they came out. Is there something to this, or do people my age simply understand and express themselves more easily than other age groups? It would be interesting to discover if hetero- and homosexuals blossom around the same age. Is it a 'Croning' thing, perhaps?

"...I am coming to expand my consciousness far beyond genital sex and straight romantic love and to feel the ways in which eroticism energises and empowers my life. I am now validating my bonding with women more, and as I love women more, I love men in a new and better way. I can love them as human beings rather than as superior beings from whom I am to derive my existence. (pp40-41)

"Although life would be easier if all women lived in a lesbian utopia and all men were villains, as a bisexual I perceive people as individuals rather than as ,e,bers of a group. I will not reject a good man just because he is a man, and I will not tolerate mistreatment from a woman just because she is a woman." (p42)

Laura Johnson

Bibliography

Hutchins, L. (Ed) and Kaahumanu, L. (Ed.), (1995), Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out, Alyson Publications Inc.
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