I've been through three lots of Trans* Awareness Training now. The audiences for these were, respectively: professionals, volunteers and service users. I've learnt a lot, and I have started getting my head around the issues and the behaviours and language expected of me in each of those roles.
It's been a quite revelatory experience for me, mostly because a change of self-perception has occurred alongside all of this learning. It's going to be complex to try and explain here, mostly because I suspect people will say my experiences are new and related to the teaching I've been given. I do want to assert most strongly though that my recent 'Eureka's' have come along as part of a very long-term evolution of self and self-perception.
A few weeks ago I had a very male, quite challenging, persona appear as a part of my psyche. He declared his name, told me he was gay and generally made a pest of himself. He's younger and much more assertive than I usually am and has made it clear he doesn't like our body because it doesn't match his perception of himself.
It's taken me a while to get used to this persona. He's quite a bit 'not me'. When I take a longer view of myself, though, he starts to make sense. . .
I have experienced male personas a lot in the past. Generally they come and go, but a couple have stuck around long-term and pop up when something relevant to them is going on. I have a few female personas that chip in from time to time too, on top of my 'residing' persona. I want to stress, at this point, that this is not a mental illness -- the personas are
aspects of the whole person that I am and are completely aware of one another.
Historically, too, as I have said to my partners at times, some days the best way I can describe myself is "I've got a cock on today". By this, I mean that I am both experiencing a 'phantom cock' and am generally in a headspace that is not female or feminine in any way. My drives, tastes and moods are other than I usually experience as a woman.
So, not too surprised to meet this guy in my head, except he's quite rude to me!
Contemplating this latest development at the same time as learning new words and new definitions of the gender identities people manifest, I have now come to the conclusion that I am 'genderfluid', and have been for a very long time.
I'm also having to deal with my 'new*' persona's body dysphoria. It'\s nothing new to me not liking my own body -- I've struggled with my weight all my life -- but wanting to change it or feeling serious distaste for it has never been a place I've been at. It's quite perturbing suddenly realising that inside of me is a persona who has serious issues with our presentation, shape
and gender, and he's not afraid of moaning about it!
I also have a feeling of 'obligation' to this persona, which is another new development. I feel that he needs to be taken into consideration as I live my life, unlike other personas who have expressed themselves previously.
My partner hasn't expressed too much surprise at all of this, which has astounded me, because I am struggling to get my head round it and thought she would too! To my great surprise, she's actually accepted the persona and told him to shut the f*ck up and stop being a bitch to me! I have a truly wonderful, amazing and talented partner!
So, to update my 'profile', I now consider myself a genderfluid, humanosexual ( / bisexual / pansexual), panromantic polyamorous person. I present as female most of the time, but some days I am not travelling through my life with a female's head, heart or sensibilities.
Too, I now have a better understanding of my anger management issues, my mood swings, my inclination to depression, my relationship with my body and the long-standing sense of not knowing who I am or what I am here for. Win!
*new -- I don't think this persona is 'new', so much as he has chosen now to express himself very strongly.
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