I posted this on my Facebook today and decided I felt it was important enough to blog it here too.
A friend posted this link:
It's My Story: Getting Bi
Having listened to this quite interesting, though short, radio documentary I felt I wanted to respond. This is the resultant little rant I placed on Facebook:
"You know, for the record... Bisexuality is no more of a choice than being gay is. I am bisexual; I am not a lesbian who is in denial. I will have a physical relationship with anyone, regardless of gender, PROVIDED I LOVE THEM and they are up for it. Nor am greedy (despite being polyamorous). I am just aware that a) what twiddly bits someone happens to possess has no bearing on whether I can like or love them, and b) I have learnt by experience that loving someone 'with all of your heart' can be done to more than one person at a time. To quote the documentary, "some people ARE Bisexual, so get over it!" Some people are also poly, so get over that one too."
Thanks for listening :-)
.
.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
HIV - Know your status
Everyone should know their HIV status, and have it updated regularly. As a polyamorous person I am very conscious of how important it is to monitor your sexual health. You have a responsibility to all your partners, but also to yourself. HIV positive is not a death sentence, unless you stay ignorant of your status. The sooner someone is diagnosed the better their chances of survival are. It's my feeling that we all should get tested regularly, even if we believe we are in a monogamous relationship.
I'd actually like to promote testing for all STIs, not just HIV. Chlamydia is a massive problem here in the UK, particularly amongst teens and twenty-somethings. The consequences of contracting an STD such as hepatitis or herpes can be horrendous, changing your life forever. Please, look after those you love, look after your 'friends with benefits', look after your one-night-stands. Above all, look after yourself.
Sexual health is a two-way street. No good knowing your own status unless you are sure about your partner(s)too. Being asked to take a test isn't a sign of a lack of faith or trust. Asking someone else to get tested is saying you care and want them to stay well.
This post is made in support of the 'Know Your HIV Status' campaign.
I'd actually like to promote testing for all STIs, not just HIV. Chlamydia is a massive problem here in the UK, particularly amongst teens and twenty-somethings. The consequences of contracting an STD such as hepatitis or herpes can be horrendous, changing your life forever. Please, look after those you love, look after your 'friends with benefits', look after your one-night-stands. Above all, look after yourself.
Sexual health is a two-way street. No good knowing your own status unless you are sure about your partner(s)too. Being asked to take a test isn't a sign of a lack of faith or trust. Asking someone else to get tested is saying you care and want them to stay well.
This post is made in support of the 'Know Your HIV Status' campaign.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Stepping Stones - Coming Out
I attended my first 'Stepping Stones' meeting this week. This is a 'women only' discussion group which meets at the LGF in Manchester. (There are equivalent meetings and groups for men). The topic under discussion was 'Coming Out'. These are the notes I made about the topic, based on the observations and experiences related by those in attendance:
Coming out is an ongoing thing... You are always coming out.
Learning this was both a relief and a terror for me. A relief, because I am now reassured that I am, apparently, 'doing it right'; a terror because I was thinking that you come out and then it's done and you can get on with your life. Not so, though.
I hadn't thought about it, but every time you start a new job, make a new friend or join a new social circle you face the debate of whether to come out to these relative strangers.
It's important to choose carefully who you come out to and when. Consider the 'why' too.
Speaking personally, I have some issues with the concept of 'Coming Out'. Heterosexual people don't feel obliged to announce their orientation to all and sunder. It's not ever their opening gambit to say "Oh, by the way, you know I am straight, right?". Some attendees expressed similar feelings. I was prompted to ponder whether we might someday have no need to announce ourselves? I truly hope we are headed for that day.
There may be people you don't need to come out to.
For example, one person explained that she is out to her work colleagues, but doesn't feel the need to be out to her clients. Someone did disclose that they had experienced difficulties when they came out at work; there was a debate amongst managers as to whether she could be allowed to continue working in the area she was in once she disclosed her orientation. I feel it's important to note that this attendee still felt that coming out at work was the right thing for her to do and that in the long run it was beneficial in her particular circumstances.
Collect your allies
Be aware of who you can enlist to help you or back you up when you come out. Maybe you have a relative who is gay and out, so you can slip in comments such as "I'm so like Aunt Alice you know..." Or have your sibling or friend, or someone else influential with the person(s) you are about to come out to at hand when you broach the subject.
You have to realise that your partner, if you have one, may not be able to be out.
They might lose not only their relatives but also their whole social and cultural network if they come out. Ostracisation is a very horrible thing to be faced with. This leads me to the question, though, of how you respond to the fact of one of you being out and the other not? Is it a viable situation in the long term? Will 'guilt by association' out your closeted partner eventually anyway, and if it does how will you respond to that as a couple?
There are lots of ways to come out
You can go for the formal bit of sitting your audience down and discussing everything with them. Alternatively you might get a friend who knows drunk and let them tell all your other friends. Or maybe you could wait until your kids out you - it's inevitable that they will. If you like taking risks you could just bring your partner home with you or take them to a family gathering, or disclose to your colleagues that the mysterious 'Ryan' or 'Kevin' you've been talking about, your supposed partner, is actually this person, and her real name is Jenny.
Signs of 'being gay'
You are probably giving yourself away in a variety of subtle ways anyway; the people you are considering telling may have worked it pout for themselves already.
Your close relatives or friends might even be hinting that they know, or fishing to see how you respond to things like "She's pretty, isn't she?".
Too, a few people did mention that they seem somehow to be wearing a neon signs above their heads declaring them to be gay. Other gay people, even strangers, approach them with 'a nod and a wink', indicating they are recognised to be part of the tribe. I've experienced this myself, not as being part of the 'gay tribe', but as being part of the 'witchy tribe'. Numerous pagans have 'given me the nod', spoken about our faith unprompted or invited me to participate in tribal events without me saying anything about my being a witch. This has prompted me to wonder whether those who approach us in this way could somehow be reading our proclivities in our auras? An interesting thought!
Lots of gay people used to be in a heterosexual marriage
Lots of people also use this fact to question whether you are gay once you come out to them. People get married for all sorts of reasons: peer pressure, family pressure, a desire to have children, the thought that maybe they can 'get over' their feelings for others of the same sex... the list is probably endless.
When divorce happens the reasons given for break down of the marriage include: "irreconsilable differences", and even "associating with unsuitable parties".
Gay parents--like many parents in general--may feel isolated.
In Manchester and its environs at least, there is an informal network that can be accessed, where families can join up to enjoy social activities like visiting a theme park in a group or kicking a ball around in the park together.
There's more protection in schools for gays nowadays.
This was, as an educator, a perception that surprised me, knowing how many teen suicides still occur as a result of orientation-related bullying. What people seemed to be saying, though, was that things are much easier for youngsters now than they were when they were teens.
One of the attendees revealed that a ten year old had recently come out to her son at school. Another attendee spoke about her child's friends expressing that: "Your Mum's great". Personally, I also wondered what reactions people get when they attend 'parents evening' with their same-gender partners.
Being out to your neighbours
It seems that if you are out in your local community you suddenly become 'representative' of the whole tribe; how you are perceived reflects on the rest of us. No-one mentioned that you may also be stereotyped until people around you learn better, but I'm guessing this is also true. A couple of people did mention that they had experienced straight people keeping their kids away from them...
So you're out now...What next?
Mix! Get out and about. You can't meet someone if you are not going to the right places. Find out where people gather and get in there. The 'scene' can be daunting, so maybe joining one of the many smaller social groups that are sponsored by the LGF (or similar organisations in your area) will be a good first step if you are shy or nervous. (The Manchester 'hotspots' for meeting gay women are 'Vanilla' and 'Coyotes', apparently. I believe Taurus is popular with the bisexual community, but that one needs confirming as yet).
The general theme of the meeting seemed to be:
"Work out what you want and pursue it".
Coming out is different for everyone
Sometimes it's easier than you expected. Sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes you do lose people from your life when you come out. Other people will surprise you with their positive and supportive responses. If you already have allies and friends it's easier then to bear those times when someone does reject you because you came out to them. There is a 'tribe' and it probably pays to get to know them by joining the groups you feel are appropriate to your circumstances. The tribe is less scary than you might think and far more willing to embrace and support you than you might be imagining.
Queer or Gay?
The majority of the women present at the meeting identified as being 'gay'. The term was used in preference to the word 'lesbian', which seemed to be a disapproved of term, rather un-PC. It was mentioned that a friend of one of the attendees had expressed that they were 'omni' or 'queer', because these terms were more inclusive of various orientations. I was disappointed to realise, though, that the term 'Omni' was not really familiar or properly understood by some who were present.Following my experience of attending the Stepping Stones meeting I realise that my choice to identify as 'Omnisexual' is right, and I can also claim the term 'Queer' when describing myself to others in the various tribes that fall under this over-arching umbrella term.
Stepping Stones on Facebook
The following is the description the group gives of themselves on Facebook:
I did find the group very welcoming. If you are nervous or shy you can arrange to meet a representative in advance of the meeting to help you settle in, as I did. The meeting space used was very informal and extremely comfortable. Tea and coffee was available and the kitchen area was very clean and tidy. There was a good range of ages present, though I was quietly made aware that there is another similar group for older women too... The majority of the discussion was carried by a small subgroup of attendees, but it was very easy to contribute if you chose to. Lots of people simply listened, you don't have to speak if you prefer not to. I am really glad I decided to take a step onto my first Stepping Stone and I look forward to meeting people there again soon.
.
.
Coming out is an ongoing thing... You are always coming out.
Learning this was both a relief and a terror for me. A relief, because I am now reassured that I am, apparently, 'doing it right'; a terror because I was thinking that you come out and then it's done and you can get on with your life. Not so, though.
I hadn't thought about it, but every time you start a new job, make a new friend or join a new social circle you face the debate of whether to come out to these relative strangers.
It's important to choose carefully who you come out to and when. Consider the 'why' too.
Speaking personally, I have some issues with the concept of 'Coming Out'. Heterosexual people don't feel obliged to announce their orientation to all and sunder. It's not ever their opening gambit to say "Oh, by the way, you know I am straight, right?". Some attendees expressed similar feelings. I was prompted to ponder whether we might someday have no need to announce ourselves? I truly hope we are headed for that day.
There may be people you don't need to come out to.
For example, one person explained that she is out to her work colleagues, but doesn't feel the need to be out to her clients. Someone did disclose that they had experienced difficulties when they came out at work; there was a debate amongst managers as to whether she could be allowed to continue working in the area she was in once she disclosed her orientation. I feel it's important to note that this attendee still felt that coming out at work was the right thing for her to do and that in the long run it was beneficial in her particular circumstances.
Collect your allies
Be aware of who you can enlist to help you or back you up when you come out. Maybe you have a relative who is gay and out, so you can slip in comments such as "I'm so like Aunt Alice you know..." Or have your sibling or friend, or someone else influential with the person(s) you are about to come out to at hand when you broach the subject.
You have to realise that your partner, if you have one, may not be able to be out.
They might lose not only their relatives but also their whole social and cultural network if they come out. Ostracisation is a very horrible thing to be faced with. This leads me to the question, though, of how you respond to the fact of one of you being out and the other not? Is it a viable situation in the long term? Will 'guilt by association' out your closeted partner eventually anyway, and if it does how will you respond to that as a couple?
There are lots of ways to come out
You can go for the formal bit of sitting your audience down and discussing everything with them. Alternatively you might get a friend who knows drunk and let them tell all your other friends. Or maybe you could wait until your kids out you - it's inevitable that they will. If you like taking risks you could just bring your partner home with you or take them to a family gathering, or disclose to your colleagues that the mysterious 'Ryan' or 'Kevin' you've been talking about, your supposed partner, is actually this person, and her real name is Jenny.
Signs of 'being gay'
You are probably giving yourself away in a variety of subtle ways anyway; the people you are considering telling may have worked it pout for themselves already.
Your close relatives or friends might even be hinting that they know, or fishing to see how you respond to things like "She's pretty, isn't she?".
Too, a few people did mention that they seem somehow to be wearing a neon signs above their heads declaring them to be gay. Other gay people, even strangers, approach them with 'a nod and a wink', indicating they are recognised to be part of the tribe. I've experienced this myself, not as being part of the 'gay tribe', but as being part of the 'witchy tribe'. Numerous pagans have 'given me the nod', spoken about our faith unprompted or invited me to participate in tribal events without me saying anything about my being a witch. This has prompted me to wonder whether those who approach us in this way could somehow be reading our proclivities in our auras? An interesting thought!
Lots of gay people used to be in a heterosexual marriage
Lots of people also use this fact to question whether you are gay once you come out to them. People get married for all sorts of reasons: peer pressure, family pressure, a desire to have children, the thought that maybe they can 'get over' their feelings for others of the same sex... the list is probably endless.
When divorce happens the reasons given for break down of the marriage include: "irreconsilable differences", and even "associating with unsuitable parties".
Gay parents--like many parents in general--may feel isolated.
In Manchester and its environs at least, there is an informal network that can be accessed, where families can join up to enjoy social activities like visiting a theme park in a group or kicking a ball around in the park together.
There's more protection in schools for gays nowadays.
This was, as an educator, a perception that surprised me, knowing how many teen suicides still occur as a result of orientation-related bullying. What people seemed to be saying, though, was that things are much easier for youngsters now than they were when they were teens.
One of the attendees revealed that a ten year old had recently come out to her son at school. Another attendee spoke about her child's friends expressing that: "Your Mum's great". Personally, I also wondered what reactions people get when they attend 'parents evening' with their same-gender partners.
Being out to your neighbours
It seems that if you are out in your local community you suddenly become 'representative' of the whole tribe; how you are perceived reflects on the rest of us. No-one mentioned that you may also be stereotyped until people around you learn better, but I'm guessing this is also true. A couple of people did mention that they had experienced straight people keeping their kids away from them...
So you're out now...What next?
Mix! Get out and about. You can't meet someone if you are not going to the right places. Find out where people gather and get in there. The 'scene' can be daunting, so maybe joining one of the many smaller social groups that are sponsored by the LGF (or similar organisations in your area) will be a good first step if you are shy or nervous. (The Manchester 'hotspots' for meeting gay women are 'Vanilla' and 'Coyotes', apparently. I believe Taurus is popular with the bisexual community, but that one needs confirming as yet).
The general theme of the meeting seemed to be:
"Work out what you want and pursue it".
Coming out is different for everyone
Sometimes it's easier than you expected. Sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes you do lose people from your life when you come out. Other people will surprise you with their positive and supportive responses. If you already have allies and friends it's easier then to bear those times when someone does reject you because you came out to them. There is a 'tribe' and it probably pays to get to know them by joining the groups you feel are appropriate to your circumstances. The tribe is less scary than you might think and far more willing to embrace and support you than you might be imagining.
Queer or Gay?
The majority of the women present at the meeting identified as being 'gay'. The term was used in preference to the word 'lesbian', which seemed to be a disapproved of term, rather un-PC. It was mentioned that a friend of one of the attendees had expressed that they were 'omni' or 'queer', because these terms were more inclusive of various orientations. I was disappointed to realise, though, that the term 'Omni' was not really familiar or properly understood by some who were present.Following my experience of attending the Stepping Stones meeting I realise that my choice to identify as 'Omnisexual' is right, and I can also claim the term 'Queer' when describing myself to others in the various tribes that fall under this over-arching umbrella term.
Stepping Stones on Facebook
The following is the description the group gives of themselves on Facebook:
"Stepping Stones is an informal peer support group for women who identify as lesbian, bisexual or who are exploring their sexuality.
"The group provides a safe and welcoming space for women who are new to the area, ‘coming out', have just come out of a relationship.
"The group chooses and organises discussions around such things as sexual health, homophobia and coming out and also invites guest speakers, which have previously included legal issues and health and well being.
"The group is for women aged from 18 years old, with no upper age limit..."
I did find the group very welcoming. If you are nervous or shy you can arrange to meet a representative in advance of the meeting to help you settle in, as I did. The meeting space used was very informal and extremely comfortable. Tea and coffee was available and the kitchen area was very clean and tidy. There was a good range of ages present, though I was quietly made aware that there is another similar group for older women too... The majority of the discussion was carried by a small subgroup of attendees, but it was very easy to contribute if you chose to. Lots of people simply listened, you don't have to speak if you prefer not to. I am really glad I decided to take a step onto my first Stepping Stone and I look forward to meeting people there again soon.
.
.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
What not to ask a gay guy (or a bisexual person)
Thanks to Davey Wavey for this wonderful video. What he says goes for what not to ask a Bisexual Babe Woman like me too...
Not really! I love answering dumb questions from even dumber questioners, especially when I am using MIRC. Ask away peeps, but remember I have a most evil sense of humour. You have been warned.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
More stuff Haydn has said
Haydn, in the same post I blogged about earlier, says:
I've been there. I still am there sometimes. I control people by how and when I disclose things. I like to shock, to shake up their happy little pictures of who I am. I don't make things up, though. I don't have to. I really have dated five people at once/ I really am a witch. I really am bisexual. My manipulations involve who I disclose what to, and at which moment I do so.
I've come to realise lately how important 'control' is to me, mainly because my life has been taken out of my hands so much lately. Maybe that is why D/s relationships interest me.
Haydn's wish to "put people off me" rings true too. It's a defense mechanism, I believe. If you've been abused you don't really want people to touch you, either physically or emotionally, and most definitely you don't want to risk being hurt by their touch. So we develop ways of making ourselves revolting to others, either through looks or mannerisms, by what we say or what we do, by making ourselves seem eccentric or plain old crazy. Been there and still doing that.
If you recignuse the kind of person Haydn speaks about, ask them some day if they have been abused in the past. We can't be other than we are, but I will tell you that if you try, if you look past the front and make contact with the interior person, you will find a friend--or maybe even a partner--so loyal and loving that you may never get rid of them.
The more sexually vulgar I could be the better. I loved to shock, be controversial and say things to put people off me. I had an almost obsessive need to have sex with any man I could find. I just wanted to have sex with someone who had not had to force me, hold me down, make me cry and cause me pain. I wanted to be in charge for a change.
I've been there. I still am there sometimes. I control people by how and when I disclose things. I like to shock, to shake up their happy little pictures of who I am. I don't make things up, though. I don't have to. I really have dated five people at once/ I really am a witch. I really am bisexual. My manipulations involve who I disclose what to, and at which moment I do so.
I've come to realise lately how important 'control' is to me, mainly because my life has been taken out of my hands so much lately. Maybe that is why D/s relationships interest me.
Haydn's wish to "put people off me" rings true too. It's a defense mechanism, I believe. If you've been abused you don't really want people to touch you, either physically or emotionally, and most definitely you don't want to risk being hurt by their touch. So we develop ways of making ourselves revolting to others, either through looks or mannerisms, by what we say or what we do, by making ourselves seem eccentric or plain old crazy. Been there and still doing that.
If you recignuse the kind of person Haydn speaks about, ask them some day if they have been abused in the past. We can't be other than we are, but I will tell you that if you try, if you look past the front and make contact with the interior person, you will find a friend--or maybe even a partner--so loyal and loving that you may never get rid of them.
Cabbages and Kings
A friend has been running some blog entries past me by a guy called Hadyn. Hadyn was abused as a child, as I was. He gives a very personal account of his life and his feelings.
In this episode, 'Sexually Abused to Death', Haydn talks about the ghost of the child he was before the abuse began. I recognise this concept in myself. Effectively I stopped growing my persona at the age I started being abused. Someone else came along to fill what should have been her shoes. The low self-confidence and bitterly low self-esteem I experience when I enter what I term 'a downslide' belong to who she became, not who she was meant to become.
Person Centred Counselling (which I have accessed a number of times) attempts to help us be who we were meant to be, stripped of the rubbish other people (significant people like parents, teachers and abusers) have caused us to pick up since we were born - our 'authentic self'. I am reminded of a kids show I used to watch (Crackerjack) when I think of this...they had a game every show where the kids won a prize every time they got a question right and a cabbage every time they got one wrong. They got to keep answering questions for as long as they could hold the pile of prizes and cabbages. The art of being our 'authentic selves' is learning keep the prizes and lose the cabbages. PCC is an attempt at a 'reset'.
I'm not my authentic self, in PCC terms. I may never get to be that person. You see, you can discard the cabbages, but their smell hangs around.
So yes, I too am haunted by the child I was before the abuse. I catch tiny glimpses of her. Occasionally she comes along and stamps her feet and acts up, too. As a little girl it's all she knows how to do, or has the strength to do, when faced with injustice and cruelty and wrongness. She's dead but she doesn't know it, and she won't lie down like a good little corpse.
Haydn says:
I disagree. I believe abusers know exactly how great an impact they are making. I believe that's a part of what gets them off. It is that which makes the act of abuse so unforgiveable as far as I am concerned.
It's interesting that my friend directed me to this particular part of Haydn's blog today, because there was an episode of 'Doctors' on this afternoon which posited that it was 'so sad' that a one-time abuser was rejected by his wife when the truth came out. The character committed assault on a girl of 12 when he was 20. His wife gets pregnant when he is 45 and he explains to her why her proposing to keep the baby is distressing him so much. When she turns away from him he commits suicide. Good riddance, imho. The writer clearly wanted us to empathise with the man, who had 'paid his dues' by going to prison for what he did. Only problem is, in the real world, his victim would never get to exhume her child-self from the grave his act of perversion put her into. So if your bleeding heart feels abuse and assault is can be absolved by a period of jail time and /or chemical castration, shove it up your a*s*!
.
.
In this episode, 'Sexually Abused to Death', Haydn talks about the ghost of the child he was before the abuse began. I recognise this concept in myself. Effectively I stopped growing my persona at the age I started being abused. Someone else came along to fill what should have been her shoes. The low self-confidence and bitterly low self-esteem I experience when I enter what I term 'a downslide' belong to who she became, not who she was meant to become.
Person Centred Counselling (which I have accessed a number of times) attempts to help us be who we were meant to be, stripped of the rubbish other people (significant people like parents, teachers and abusers) have caused us to pick up since we were born - our 'authentic self'. I am reminded of a kids show I used to watch (Crackerjack) when I think of this...they had a game every show where the kids won a prize every time they got a question right and a cabbage every time they got one wrong. They got to keep answering questions for as long as they could hold the pile of prizes and cabbages. The art of being our 'authentic selves' is learning keep the prizes and lose the cabbages. PCC is an attempt at a 'reset'.
I'm not my authentic self, in PCC terms. I may never get to be that person. You see, you can discard the cabbages, but their smell hangs around.
So yes, I too am haunted by the child I was before the abuse. I catch tiny glimpses of her. Occasionally she comes along and stamps her feet and acts up, too. As a little girl it's all she knows how to do, or has the strength to do, when faced with injustice and cruelty and wrongness. She's dead but she doesn't know it, and she won't lie down like a good little corpse.
Haydn says:
I am sure abusers and those who have never been abused fail to realise that the abuse lives with the abused for the rest of their life.
For an abuser it is an act of pulling up his pants and leaving the room but for the abused it is a lot more than that. An abuser thinks with his very little head whereas the abused has to think with the head on his or her shoulders.
I disagree. I believe abusers know exactly how great an impact they are making. I believe that's a part of what gets them off. It is that which makes the act of abuse so unforgiveable as far as I am concerned.
It's interesting that my friend directed me to this particular part of Haydn's blog today, because there was an episode of 'Doctors' on this afternoon which posited that it was 'so sad' that a one-time abuser was rejected by his wife when the truth came out. The character committed assault on a girl of 12 when he was 20. His wife gets pregnant when he is 45 and he explains to her why her proposing to keep the baby is distressing him so much. When she turns away from him he commits suicide. Good riddance, imho. The writer clearly wanted us to empathise with the man, who had 'paid his dues' by going to prison for what he did. Only problem is, in the real world, his victim would never get to exhume her child-self from the grave his act of perversion put her into. So if your bleeding heart feels abuse and assault is can be absolved by a period of jail time and /or chemical castration, shove it up your a*s*!
.
.
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