I have four lots of 'OUT'-ness to deal with. I am Pansexual. I am Polyamorous. I am Pagan. I experience some Mental Health difficulties (damn shame that condition of being can't be made to start with a P too, isn't it?). You might think I have a fifth and maybe even a sixth 'OUT'-ness to deal with, as I am also an avid science fiction and fantasy fangirl and gamer-geek.
The other week I accidentally 'Outed' myself as Bi / Pansexual to some of those people I know on FaceBook whilst talking about my excitement about the approach of PRIDE. No-one has reacted at all. I experienced a few minutes of “Oh my God!” about it, then realised that people I've Friended on FB probably either already know, have guessed, or don't care.
In truth, I couldn't be sure who I am 'out' to and who I am not 'out' to, and about what. I've stopped being too precious about things. If a moment comes in a social situation where I can react as my true self or I can react in a closeted way I now usually speak as Trueself. Occasionally I even challenge bigotted or ignorant behaviours or talk in public, if I feel safe in the environment in question.
Readers of my fiction and fanfiction should know of my sexuality, assuming they pay attention to my Biography setion, since my writing blog and my fanfiction blog both mention that I am Pansexual / Bi-sexual and Polyamorous. Anyone familiar with this blog will be aware of it too, now if not before...
The place I am mostly not 'out' in is at work. Having said that though, I am 'out' as polyamorous to immediate colleagues (okay, I get a certain frisson of amusement and naughtiness from outing myself in regard to being Poly), and 'out' as Bi (because Pansexual usually means nothing to the lay person and I don't especially want to have to explain the intimate truths of my sexual orientation to people, not even those I trust and / or love) to one person at work, only very recently, though. I am 'out' as Pagan / Wiccan to a number of my students, who have recognised the pentagram I wear for what it is and have asked me about it because they think of themselves as either Pagan or Wiccan.
The other place I am not 'out' as is with my blood relatives. This isn't to say they don't know, just that I never confirmed their 'worst suspicions / fears'. If he was paying attention, one of my nephews knows now, because I have him on FaceBook.
My siblings have gone through various stages of suspicion, mainly I think guessing me to be a lesbian (I can't blame them for guessing wrong, since I thought that myself once long ago). I confused their assumptions when I (publically) got myself a boyfriend, though. Of course, I suspect, they never considered I might be Bi, but assumed their earlier guess had simply been wrong, since they'd never known me to come home with a girlfriend and now I had come home with a boyfriend.
My sister has already repeatedly expressed her disappointment in me as a relative, so I doubt she would take any direct confirmation of my orientation and outlook well, especially since her partner is 'Christian', with a capital C, and they already think I need 'saving' because I am out to them as Pagan. (Gods help me if the 'W' word were ever to come up!). That 'outing' I did myself; my sister asked what the necklace I wear all the time meant – it's a pentagram and I explained it's meaning to her, which led to a fun hour or so. (I hadn't known they were 'Christian' until that day – they hadn't 'outed' themselves as that until then).
My brother seemed less phased than my sister when I told them both (in an indirect way) I am Polyamorous. (I suspect my sister didn't actually believe my story of having had multiple partners at the same time, who all knew about each other – after all, I am too fat and ugly and geeky for anyone to be interested in me sexually, right? Wrong).
I've started 'outing' myself on various levels to a handful of 'mundane' friends recently too. So far it's not proven too traumatic. Of course I can't hear their thoughts when I tell them, or when they go away and have time to think about it. I'm at a relatively early stage in regard to deliberately and specifically 'outing' myself, so maybe I just haven't experienced all of the associated fallout yet.
So why am I proceeding down this path? I'm not exactly sure, except that I want more freedom to be Trueself. I also, frankly, want to expend less energy on thinking about who knows what about me and what their consequent opinions of me might be. If people leave my life because they can't be comfortable around that person maybe that's okay? Maybe it's best for both them and me? Other people will come into my life because they meet Trueself. The best people will stay in my life because they are happy to know Trueself, or have known her longer than those who choose to run away from her and actually Love her.
Anyway, those are my thoughts for today on the topic. If you have a reaction or an opinion (other than feeling I need 'saving' – which I promise you I don't) leave me a message.
