Fond Thoughts of Old Friends

It's a long time since I posted. Really this is just to show the blog is still in use.

I remain with my single vanilla partner. He is a blessing and I love him very much.

In my head and heart I am still polyamorous and kinky, just a bit 'lapsed' these days. I'd love to hear from old friends, so if you know me drop me a note. I'd especially love to hear how my dear Scrimshaw, Luvbnd and TinyOne are getting along, if any of you happen across this blog.

Pub Signs

I was musing during a bus ride this week, as you do... I wondered what pub name I'd choose if I owned a pub. I concluded I liked the name 'Horse and Honey Bee'. Why ? Well it's a little jest, a play on words... Colloquial baby talk for a horse is 'gee-gee', so from the title you get GGB... Girl, Girl, Boy, you see ;-)

Still Here

I'm really busy with Life and work at the minute, but I will get back to my various blogs shortly.

Different Cultural Perspectives - an example

I had an intersting conversation yesterday. One of my colleagues is a devout Christian, a minister in fact, and she was talking to a young Asian woman about sex and marriage and living together.

Anyway, she was busy trying to convince this young woman that she should not have sex before marriage. In turn this young woman was saying she wanted to live with her boyfriend to see what he was really like and that she didn't want to get married at all, ever. Too, she was talking about wanting children, and how really a man would just be a means to that end and she wouldn't be worried to sling him out at a later date. Pluse there would not be the same costs as if a divorce was involved...


I was very amused by the dynamic of this conversation.

For a start, there was an assumption prevailing that this girl's father would be deeply disapproving of her ideas on the subject because she is from an Asian family. There we go with a bit of subliminal racism, for a start (on my part as well as from my Christian colleague)...

Then there was the assumption that 'living together' was a euphemism for having sex as well as being a description of an accomodation arrangement.

Then there was the young woman's (generational culture) belief that sex is no big deal and her being completely flummoxed by the idea that sex or children outside of marriage was to be frowned upon.

Then there was the voice of experience coming from myself and my colleague that living with someone is far different from being married to them. And the young woman being even more assertive that living together is better then, because that whole slouhghing off of the niceties thing won't be there.

Too, the topic of my having had several boyfriends 'on the go' all at once came up, and there was the young Asian woman being totally stunned by the idea that there was not an issue for me there of 'having to be lots of different ways with them' - an idea I found quite intriguing, that she would 'be' a particular way with one boyfriend and another way with another boyfriend. She was flummoxed when I said 'well no, I was just myself with all of them and that worked fine'.

Of course it's not entirely true that I was always 'just myself' with each of my partners... I was myself, plus a slant to whatever BDSM dynamic existed between us. With my present partner I am 'just myself' most of the time, but I have to conceed that probably we each of us adjust the emphasis when we are with someone we care about. For example, I am a lot more tolerant and understanding with my partner than I tend to be with strangers, if nothing else. I make the effort to see things from his perspective and to be sensitive to his needs. Of course all that is a guessing game really, and inevitably things can go awry, but fortunately we also have good communication, so we tidy our speech up to make sure clarity prevails. I guess I started learning the importance of that through my experience of being poly.

I'm damn lucky having such a terrific bloke as my boyfriend :-)

Loving Wishes

I don't have much time these days to update my various blogs, but I especially want to wish my beloved boyfriend a very happy and enjoyable Christmas. I adore you, babe.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Apologies that I haven't made any fresh entries to my blogs recently. I'm experiencing a busy time in my life and can't fit everything in that I'd like to. Since blogging is a hobby and not an essential, it's suffering. Back on board as soon as I can. Thinking of you.

Why 'Gender Irrelevant' ?

It occurs to me that I haven't as yet explained the title of this particular blog. I am very keen on words, so the titles of my blogs are supposed to be meaningful. The title for this one reflects me feeling that gender really is irrelevant when it comes to matters of the heart and soul.

I'm bi-sexual, so I know that what gender someone is doesn't affect my capacity to love them or to be in love with them. I've never been a 'girly girl', but a person with a range of interests, some of which are genderised by the society I live in most of the time.

If you are bi-sexual or bi-curious and you haven't had chance to live in a bi-sexual society, by the way, I heartily recommend BiCon ! I had some wonderful experiences there when a friend persuaded me to go a few years back. I long to go again, and will as soon as I have a bigger bank account than I do presently.

Domestic Violence

I'm not sure if this entry belongs here, or on my Bullying blog ? This blog is the one that carries the content warning, so maybe here is the right spot, since sexual behaviours are mentioned as well as emotional issues.

There was a thing on television yesterday about the effect witnessing domestic violence has on children. All of a sudden someone has realised it has an effect. Woohoo for them ! (*sarcasm*) Shouldn't that have been d*mn obvious to people ? What I experienced as a child still effects my relationships and interactions with others now, in adulthood

I am presently seeing a counsellor. Part of what I have been discovering is the effect on me of witnessing and experiencing domestic violence as a child. If you don't feel safe around your parents, your primary carers, you are going to struggle feeling safe around anyone else too. Not feeling safe makes you do and feel odd things about other people and about yourself.

There's a theory that says people who are abused as children (that happened to me too) often end up involved in the BDSM scene, which I did. A number of people I met on the BDSM scene had experienced similar things in childhood. I don't know if there really is a link, though.

So, good thing that someone 'official' has realised that children can suffer from domestic violence, not only directly but also indirectly. Bl**dy obvious to those of us who've been there.

Bi = Invisible ?

Fair warning - this is a hobby horse of mine. I feel that bi-sexuals are very poorly served, not only by the media, but also by what should be their own community. Effectively, in the West, bi-sexuality is inclined to be socially and culturally 'invisible'.

What prompts me to say this ? Let's take a look at just one media example, for a start - Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Who's bi there, you may well ask ? Well actually it's Willow. No, she isn't 'gay', she's bi-sexual, despite how her relationship with her female partner is portrayed. Yet the character even refers to herself as 'gay' ! Before she took up with a woman, though, she had a relationship with Oz... you know, the werewolf bloke, yet Willow seems to have amnesia about that time in her emotional life. Grrrr.

What annoys me about this is not only that bi-sexuality isn't given an airing, but that the character inaccurately portrays being gay as some sort of lifestyle choice too !

This cultural amnesia seems to extend to some real life bi-sexuals as well. I have some theories why this is, not least of which is that the poor visibility of bi-sexuality is perpetuated through our social associations. Socially, we tend to cling to the gay / lesbian movements like they are a life raft. This isn't helpful, though, because these two groups aren't interested in adopting us. We aren't 'them' any more than we are 'hetro', no matter how much you might choose to subsume your reality in order to fit in.

Wake up, people ! If you are in the wonderful state of consciousness and being which allows you to love and be sexual with all genders, please be bold enough to own being bi-sexual, not a homosexual or a hetrosexual who occasionally strays ! Admit and own your position firmly on that fence !

Polyamoury 1 - Myths and Truths

Recently I watched a programme on Channel 4 about polyamoury, entitled "I Love You. And You. And You. And You". It was better than I'd expected, knowing how biased C4 can be sometimes.

For those of you who haven't heard the term before, polyamoury is defined differently by pretty much everyone who gets involved in it. I used to be in a polyamorous relationship, but I'm not nowadays. When I was, I defined polyamoury as loving more than one person and being honest about it and about what goes on because of that multiplicity of affection. The show last night did use one of the phrases that best explains the 'Why?' of polyamoury - "Love isn't Finite".

It is possible to love more than one person at the same time. In fact pretty much everyone does it, especially if they happen to have kids. Note that the key word is Love, not lust of sex or f*ck. We love our relatives (usually), our partners, our children, our best friends. Sometimes love has a sexual aspect and sometimes it is non-sexual. Even in polyamorous situations it's not beneficial for the observer to assume that everyone is having sex with everyone, since that usually is not the case.

Managing the situation of loving more than one person at a time, when that love is or wants to be sexual, is usually the tricky part. The non-Poly solution is usually to have an 'affair', or to 'cheat'. In a stable poly relationship the concepts of cheating or having an affair are rendered meaningless, because in order for those terms to apply something must be being kept secret and hidden from the person not involved in the additional sex acts. Poly folks don't do sexual secrets. They don't do 'sneaking around'.

There is an assumption that Poly people are promiscuous. That's usually not true. Of course some poly people are 'swingers' in the same way that some mono people are 'swingers'. If you think about it, though, how promiscuous are you going to get when taking on an extra sex pal involves a frank conversation beforehand with all the people you are already in a relationship with and the acquisition of their permission and blessings ? Just run it through your mind - "Honey, I'd like to start seeing X..." In the current relationship you are in, would you be able to say it easily ? Or at all ?

Genuinely poly people don't keep their relationships secret from their partners. Sadly, though, they usually have to keep their relationships secret from society. In the tv show I mentioned, one man spoke quite movingly about the fear that he might lose his kids if his poly status became known to society. He and his partners had chosen to hide their relationship from their kids, and the additional female in the group was only known to the kids as 'the babysitter'. I actually had very mixed emotions about this deception and felt very sorry for the fact that that family felt they needed to maintain that facade.

Poly people are no more likely to be sexual predators than non-poly people. There is no reason to assume that poly people will involve their children in their sexual activities or expose them to a moral climate which will be injurious to them. The reverse is usually the case, in fact. Poly people have to be honest with each other for poly to work. They also have to be very supportive of each other, empathetic and caring. If they are parents, poly people are going to share those qualities with their children as well as their partners. A child who is raised in an atmosphere of honesty, mutual supportiveness, empathy and care has to benefit from that experience, right ?

You have to be grown up to be successfully poly. Poly people aren't angels. They still have feelings of jealous, envy, anger, tetchiness... but the climate of a poly relationship lends itself to talking about those things rather than letting things fester. You'd drive each other crazy otherwise.

I am no longer a practising polyamourist. I have a very loving sexual relationship with just one person. I adore that person. I like to think that my having been poly, and my partner knowing about that before we got together, has benefitted our situation. Because of societal issues it's not easy to say "Actually, I used to have multiple partners (and may want that again)". It's not easy to accept that about someone, either. It takes consideration and rationalisation before you can move past the 'Ulp' feelings. My personal take on it is that poly breeds honesty, and honesty breeds trust. It takes a lot of mutual trust to survive being mono.